Glenn's 2017 New Years Resolutions

By Glenn

Making resolutions for the upcoming year is, like voting, something we do to assert control in our unstable and uncertain lives. Many times this is the right choice and things actually change for the better. I did not make substantive resolutions in 2016 and the year was a disaster. Compare this to a wonderful year like 2014 where I strongly resolved to stop eating candy and cookies, which led to Robin Williams finally killing himself. It's too late to consider reviewing the material of two years ago so let's assume it all went as planned and dive right into 2017.

Add fruit snacks and yogurt to my banned food list
Like anyone else battling an eating disorder (vegetarianism), I find control from and define my identity by what I put into my mouth. Over the last three years I have successfully cut cookies and candy, as your brain can conceive of it, out of my diet. But like a river finding a new path around a dike, my sweet tooth forced alternate methods of satiation. Have you ever snorted Stevia? Anyway, this dietary whack-a-mole has forced me to add fruit snacks (or essentially any "non-candy" hiding in the candy aisle) and frozen yogurt to the banned foods list.

Take two concrete steps to learn more Spanish
¿Hablas español? I don't, as evidenced by the fact I used the very casual tü format in that question and then incorrectly used an umlaut instead of an accent when trying to explain my mistake. I do however have a background in studying the language and a very real need to get myself back up to a level where I can at least buy drugs or explain why all JJ Abrams creations produce existential disappointment. Taking a class is also a great way to meet friends!

Have a Dave Matthews Band Renaissance
I could have put a different artists in this slot (as there will be multiple renaissances this year) but since this list is online I want to follow the standard online playbook: say something in the most controversial way you can and then slowly walk your audience through unpacking it afterward. In the pretend vision of my social world, getting unironically back into DMB is only a step or two below ironically re-joining ISIS. But I want to be one of those people who loses hang-ups and biases as I get older instead of the people whose world view and interests solidify like the stone monuments I never helped ISIS destroy. So this year I will become a "Davehead" and listen to more sweet ass jams.

No more solitary games
...And I don't just mean solitaire! (Though I certainly mean that.) Whether on the phone or computer, I find myself going through distinct and powerful phases of filling boredom/dread/whatever with games. I'm not officially a gamer, but at one point a few years ago I played Euchre on my phone for a few hours straight! Most recently, I regressed during a trip to visit my parents by getting back into early high school favorite Warcraft 2. This resolution wouldn't be needed if I could leave this shameful the activity there (like my kids) or relegate it only to weekends (like my other kids), but I don't have that level of self control.

Watch a non-TV movie once a week
You: "Glenn you watch movies all the time! Feels like every time I open my AtHome app, I see you on that couch with a cold beer staring at the screen with that dead look in your eyes. Why would you possibly need to make a resolution about watching MORE movies on TV?"
Me: "Hear me out. First of all, the movies don't have to be on TV - they could also be in the theatre. Second of all, the movies I'm watching on my very limited cable package are usually terrible Hallmark or Lifetime productions. I watch them because they're on. By setting this goal, I'll be forced to intentionally choose something hopefully more highbrow - and I can use my new Letterboxd app to track it! Third of all, I hope you enjoyed what I did on Tuesday night. It was for you."

Thanks for reading. Let's check in at the middle of the year to see how everything is going. Below are some things that might help you out as you plan your 2017 resolutions:

How to Make Friends Faster

7 Simple Rules for Getting Lean in 2017
Old habits die hard. Here's how to change your life in 2017
To Live Remarkably, Repeat This 1 Affirmation Every Single Day for the Rest of Your Life
What a Sensory Isolation Tank Taught Me About My Brain
Play Warcraft 2 Online

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Glenn's 2015 Resolutions (and 2014 reviewed)

By Glenn

As you all know, I made some incredibly brave resolutions for 2014, which I announced publicly for the same reason I do anything: a profound desire to be noticed.  Since I was the only person to make resolutions last year (and the only person in my peer group to take them seriously), I deserve my own New Years Resolutions article with a review of last year and a complete list of what's in store for 2015.

2014 Resolutions

Stop Checking Facebook so much
I wasn't able to do this on my own so I downloaded an app called SelfControl that helped me control my Facebook consumption along with many other disgusting urges that are an affront to Allah.  This was a bad resolution because it's not quantifiable unless you use a different app called RescueTime that tracks your online time.  I cannot use that app since my Salafist strain of Islam forbids it.
Verdict: Partially Completed

Switch to Paul or George
Still couldn't do this (Instant Karma is too good) but I did price out copies of the George Harrison boxed set.
Verdict: Failed

Learn Every World Capital
I neglected this until the very end, but over the last few weeks have surged like UN membership to an 88% memorization rate. Ironically those I'm having the most trouble remembering are the countries where I've spent the most time: Solomon Islands, Saint Lucia, Myanmar, et cetera.  If we go by the Russian Orthodox calendar I'll have this one complete in time.
Verdict: Mostly Completed

Use Google
Couldn't do it.  Still an Altavista guy and when I'm looking for something published after 1998 I use Duck Duck Go.
Verdict: Failed

Stop Eating Candy or Cookies
Without a doubt the hardest of the resolutions, this was one I'm most proud of completing.  Was I tempted? Sure. But this pledge was important: it dealt with a terrible behavior that was killing me and it was the only resolution I could smugly explain repeatedly around food.  It also worked because I could still eat other, lesser sweets like fruit snacks, donuts or high fat mint ice cream. 
Verdict: Success

2015 Resolutions

Read 12 books or one book per month, whichever is smaller
I read ten in 2014 (not counting anything from the Discworld series) so this should be doable. 

Sell my books 
Notice a fucked up book pattern here?  My heavy, homeless-esque usage of the library renders most of the books I do own and haven't read worthless to me, but worth anywhere from $2.49 to $10.99 to someone else, once I sell them on Half.com, the #1 site for selling your books online.

Contact my sister’s kids once a month
Part of being an uncle is living far away from your niece and nephew, but unless you want them to permanently view you as some weird version of Uncle Buck they gotta hear from you more often.  That way, they'll think o]f you as some weird version of Uncle Jesse.  Are there any famous uncles besides those from television and movies?

Maintain a budget on music purchases
I, like David Byrne, hold the crazy belief that people will eventually stop making music if they can't make a career from it.  That's why I try to financially support artists and record labels I enjoy by buying instead of stealing music.  At the same time, I have at times fallen into that consumer abyss where I attempt to spend my way out of anomie through Wilco boxed sets.  This year I will be making a small ($600) monthly budget allowable to be spent on albums in whatever form gives me the most indie cred.

Try stand up comedy
Although you wouldn't know it this article, I actually enjoy humor: both consuming and producing it.  Though I'm not funny enough for anyone to flippantly say to me "you should try stand up," I am funny enough to think I could do better than the many unfunny stand-up comedians I've seen.  OYIT's Jake's shocking rise to the top of the Midwest Comedy Scene has also inspired me since we wrote our first joke together back in 1997 (referring to a famous celebrity as 'Princess DIE-ana').  Hopefully 2015 will be the year I step onto the stage once to tell the same jokes that made me the hit at all my parents' key parties in the mid-70s. 

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2015 New Years Resolutions

By Staff

As you’ve probably noticed from your out of date 2014 commemorative North Korean calendar, the year has changed.  With a new year comes new possibilities and new promises to be made to our lord and savior Jesus Christ.  The staff here at OYIT have been down this road several times: 2010, 2011, 2011, 2012, 2012 and finally 2014.  Unfortunately since the years keep coming so will our resolutions.  Read below for a peek at what we pledge to do in the upcoming, final year.

Jake’s Resolutions

2014 was a real rollercoaster ride of a year for me, as I spent a huge chunk of it fulfilling my previous New Year's resolution of riding every rollercoaster in the contiguous United States. Also, my partner of ten years broke up with me because of my rollercoaster adventures. This year things are going to be a little different.

1. Ride every water slide in the contiguous United States. Wet and wild, yet nice and mild. Exactly what the doctor ordered, which is exactly why I go to a twelve year old doctor.

2. See a movie. This is the year that I find out what all the fuss is about. Comment and tell me what the first movie I ever watch should be.

3. Obey the comedy rule of threes. I need to keep it brief, yet give enough examples to flesh out my point. The experts (Richard Lewis, Jeff Foxworthy, Louie Anderson) all say that three is the funniest number. Who am I to argue with legends?  Nobody.  I’m just a piece of shit, obviously.  So I will just do what my heroes do.

4. Never lie to strangers. I may end up married to them now that I am single, and I do not want to start off a relationship with a lie.

5. Find out if men are different from women.  This is important.  I do stand-up comedy and “Men are Different from Women” is the thesis of that medium.

Rishika's Resolutions

Ch-ch-ch-changes. That can sum up my 2014 in a nutshell. I overcame that speech impediment and I finally found a decent change jar. And boy! that change does add up quickly! I’d like to continue the momentum of this kind of success in 2015.

1. Save up enough money to change my boyfriend to one who buys me presents.

2. Move out of my nutshell and into a studio apartment. Time to live like an adult.
3. Save up those pennies and take a damn vacation. Thailand is nice this time of year.
4. Quit trying to save money and just get a job that pays better.

5. Ask Jake if he ever did find that rollercoaster of love and see if I can’t find a suitable partner and get married. I’m tired of blaming my life mistakes on myself. In 2015, I’m going to love myself and find a handsome partner to blame for my mistakes and unaccomplishments.

Ryan's Resolutions

Oh… I didn’t see you there… What’s up? Oh not much is new with me, just sitting here thinking about 2014, which was a pretty bad year. What do you say we resolve to make the world a little better? Here’s what I’m going to do:

1. Finally settle down and get married. I think it’s time I found someone to spend the rest of my life with, no matter how short and miserable it is. I’m slouching into my late thirties, and honestly, life isn’t really worth living, decrepit and alone with my many supercomputers. Why not share my supercomputers with someone I love and can constantly argue with? Hopefully Jan from the Toyota commercials reads this...

2. Renew my passport and maybe go somewhere cool. I’ve only been putting it off for like seven or eight years. Honestly I’m probably not going to do this.

3. Get the assholes at Panera to quit calling me “The Big Bitch Who Likes Soup.” I told them it was my name ONE TIME like four years ago and they won’t stop.

4. Gain, like, 30,000 pounds. I think this is possible.

5. Maybe go “online” and “be a dickhead” to “strangers?”

6. Get divorced. This is kind of contingent on #1, but literally everyone I know got divorced in 2014 - even people who weren’t married or hadn’t been born yet. I’d like to think it’s my fault, so I will. It’s high time I try this for myself.

7. Continue the slow, inexorable creep towards the fate that awaits all mortal beings (eating alone at Applebee’s).

8. Finally learn to read. This may be pushing it, but I can dream, right?

9. Get my teeth replaced with extremely sharp shards of glass that I can use to intimidate my many powerful enemies, such as those asshole Panera employees, my future ex-wife/-wives and/or ex-husband(s).

10. I’m going to start carrying a sword around all the time. Why not.

11. Suicide by cop.

Well, that’s it. If I’m not doing those things in the new year, I’ll be silently staring at a plain white wall while an unseen clock loudly ticks off the wasted seconds and I slowly rot from the inside. All in all, it looks like 2015 is going to be great! Let’s meet back here in a year to discuss our divorces!

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New Years Resolutions 2014

By Glenn

This website has a notorious reputation for posting New Year's Resolutions and then forgetting about them like drowned hero Caylee Anthony. The staff first posted resolutions back in 2010 (the worst year on record), followed up by Glenn and Jake in 2011 and staff/Ryan in 2012. In 2013 there was no point because the world had ended on the Aztec Apocalypse® brought to you by State Farm Insurance. But now that the world is back, so is we I! Here are my 100% actual and real New Year's Resolutions® brought to you by Circuit City.

Stop Checking Facebook so much
I've opened and closed the Facebook.com website probably 20-30 times in the hour I've been attempting to write this article.  It would be more frequent but it's late at night and most of the teens I know are in bed.  I could deactivate my account but then the obsessive behavior would switch to Twitter or Snapchat, which a young person recently explained to me. This is by far the most difficult resolution and that's just the way Facebook likes it.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 5%

Stop Eating Candy and Cookies
Because I was raised by Midwesterners and have some genetic disorder, in me there is a strong inclination for junk food (similar to junk websites like Facebook).  This one sounds the hardest but I've done a similar boycott in 2012 in the period leading up the Summer Olympics (unrelated) and it's hard for me to be self righteous about other people's food choices if I make bad ones myself.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 90%

Stop Eating Old Batteries
Though it did get me on an as-of-yet-unaired episode of FXX's "My Crazy Obsession," eating batteries has otherwise produced no tangible benefits except a possible inoculation against autism.  And - not to be crude on a family site - "passing" them is not a pleasant experience, especially with the horrendous anal fissures I experienced throughout 2013.  2014 will be battery-free for me!
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 98%

Switch to Paul or George
A great internet commenter once said...

I have a favorite beatle theory....you start off loving Ringo because as a child he is the one you identify with, you then either became a Paul or John fan depending on how angry you are as a teen, now then I think if you stay with Paul you remain a Paul fan and I don't know how I feel about that..if you go with John you either become entirely insufferable or you evolve into a George fan, beware anyone who's favorite Beatle is George before they are in their 20's. You can remain a george fan for the rest of your life and be perfectly fine if not a bit smug but in an Eastern philosophy sort of smug. I started off with Ringo, went to John, then George and I am now a Paul fan because I think he is the best songwriter in the band. If you stay on the Ringo stage you don't really like the Beatles, the other three all give you different paths but your path is determined when you decided that this was your favorite Beatle. A teenager who loves Paul songs exclusively is not someone whom you would like to spend time with much as a John fan in their 30's is not someone you would want to spend a lot of time with. Also note, I do not believe there is another musical group that could inspire this type of detail. Thank you.

...and I guess he's right. But I now have the Lennon boxed set and really wanted to start going through it.  Does anyone have a used W*I*N*G* cassette I could borrow? Just borrow!  Please comment if so. 
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 30%

Learn Every World Capital
Not since battling my elementary school principle on multiplication flashcards in 3rd grade have I used what is essentially a party trick to convince myself and a few others of above average intelligence.  Unfortunately due to heavy DMT/LSD usage I've forgotten many of the capitals I used to know and let's face it: I never really KNEW Africa.  Since I love parties and hope one day to be shouting out answers to a high school geography club relentlessly quizzing me, it's time to finally learn them all for 2014 and forever.  Even Comoros.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 75%

Use Google
Surprisingly, I have never used Google to search for something on the internet but, privacy concerns aside, it does seem to be the best search engine.  I will try it one time in 2014.
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 8%

Writing more on this website
LIKELIHOOD OF SUCCESS: 100%

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Ryan's New Year's Resolutions for 2012

By Ryan

0. Learn a normal counting system

I've tried everything I can think of and cannot stop beginning numeric lists with the number zero. Learning Roman numerals didn't work. Trying to forget about the concept of "zero" didn't help at all. Drilling out the temporal and parietal lobes of my brain didn't do anything except make my insurance premiums go up. I gotta start counting at "one" though, or people are going to start thinking I drilled out part of my brain! I don't even know what the word nothing means anymore, but I can't stop counting at zero!

1. Be less judgmental

All in all, I look down my nose at a lot of people - people I think aren't up to my level, so to speak. I don't think they deserve it; I'm not better than anyone, so why should I act like it? In the new year I'm going to try to be more accepting and less judgmental. I'm going to listen to all sides of an argument - hey, maybe that racist joke IS funny, after all! Maybe it's okay to imply that you'll rape a minor on a widely-read internet forum "for the lulz;" the times sure are changing aren't they?! I just have to keep an open mind that there are different strokes for different folks, and so what if their whole thing is trying to foist a rotten, dying white male status quo up by making gay jokes! STOP BEING SO JUDGMENTAL, ME!

2. Be more positive

This kind of goes along with being less judgmental. I have a problem seeing all the good in the world when it's not served to me on a silver platter. In 2012, I want to accentuate the positive! The war in Iraq is over! There's a huge vortex of trash in the ocean so big it's named the Great Pacific Garbage Patch; maybe it'll form into a permanent island where we can grow those awesome plastic trees that are in such high demand! North Korea, Syria and myriad other nations are probably going to fall apart at some point in the near future; but so is the USA, so let's use this as a learning experience guys and gals! So what if nothing is real? Let's just keep on keepin' on and pretend!

3. Destroy the idea of 3D movies

3D movies make my head hurt. I've only seen one or two, and they may have been softcore pornography, but afterward my head and neck hurt PLUS I felt really bad about myself and every decision I'd ever made up to that point. I'm going to end this whole 3D fad for good. My plan is two-fold:

A.) Stab out my left eye (mad props to TLC's Lisa Left Eye Lopes) with a fork

B.) Go see an action-packed blockbuster 3D movie and sue the movie industry for discrimination against one-eyed people when I can't keep up with what's happening

Bang, 3D is dead and I'm rich as hell. And all it costs me is an eye! I HAVE TWO!!!

4. Read more

Seriously. I buy books all the time! Doesn't seem to matter where I'm at, on the Kindle, browsing the iBooks, at a Barnes and Noble, rooting through a burned-out Waldenbooks at a condemned mall, in the secret Borders under my apartment building, I'm always just buying books and rarely reading them. If you're anything like me you have stacks and stacks of books - classics and NEW classics alike - that you're just dying to rip into and absorb their forbidden knowledge. Make it a point, like me, to catch up on some reading starting ASAP! The new year can be your excuse to pick up Mein Kampf and finally finish it. Me, I'm going to make it a point to absolutely, completely absorb the ultimate truths in the Liber AL vel Legis and call on Nuit to put an end to all matter. It's going to be a great year for books!

5. Be more assertive

I'm what you might call an "alpha dog" at work (alpha as in alphabet, where I'm the A number one!) where I'm constantly saying things like "No, Margaret, YOU collate the copies - I'm busy and the sexy IKON guy hasn't come to fix the document station so you'll need to do it MANUALLY for Miss Johnson by 4PM!" But outside of work, well yowsers, I'm a kitten. I'd like to maybe get a girlfriend at some point, but I don't exactly put myself out there. I have a lot to offer: crippling depression, bad skin, a healthy dose of apathetic nihilism, terrible ideas about the inner workings of our clockwork earth, etc. So why not put myself out there, get back on the market? Instead of telling the cute gal at the coffee shop "Just a black coffee, thanks" I'll say "Just a black coffee, and do you know about the Illuminati that control the world?" We'll strike up a conversation, and maybe, just maybe if she can see through my tears of blood, we can go on an awkward date where I scream uncontrollably at UFC fighters pummeling each other on a big screen TV in a sports bar. Here's to hoping...

6. Die, I guess

That whole Mayan Long Count calendar thing that predicts the world/the universe/time/everything is going to end on December 21, 2012 is probably a load of malarkey. That doesn't mean some crazy fundamentalists aren't going to do everything in their power to make it happen. Trust me, I'm one of them. I'd predict that by November, 2012 we, as a civilization, will in all likelihood be reduced to living in bunkers thousands of feet beneath the surface of the irradiated, diseased Earth. The plaguewelders will of course bring forth their rotting corporeal beings into the bunkers with help from the ruling technocracy, just as the prophets predicted, and life as we know it will be extinguished when the last human dies sometime in December, 2012. Maybe the next world will be better for you? I don't know, I'll probably be with Marshall "Do" Applewhite and the Heaven's Gate crew surfing on comets by then, so good luck to you!

All in all, 2012 looks like the best year yet, or at least the most inevitable year after 2011 due to the one-way nature of time's arrow! Stay cool!

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Jake's New Year's Resolutions

By Jake 

Originally we planned on doing a group article for New Year's resolutions, but Glenn decided to make his a full article, leaving Mary and I to die. Well, I don't want my NYR list to sit in Google Docs forever, never seeing the light of day. I need this list to be public or else I may not follow through on any of them. It is motivation.

Protest the removal of the word "nigger" from Huckleberry Finn.
Huckleberry Finn is a book that many of us have been forced to read by crackers or teachers (or both). It contains more than 200 instances of the word "nigger," a word so offensive that even Lil' Wayne only says it 30 times per song. Huckelberry Finn is a classic novel written by Mark Twain. Changing the words in this classic book would be like adding record scratches to early Bob Dylan albums--it might make it more accessible to modern sensibilities, but it completely alters the work. Starting 2011 off with this level of censorship casts a dark shadow over the last year of our lives.

Mourn the death of Richard Jewel.
We all pointed fingers--all of us. Even Eric Robert Rudolph pointed at him, although he was trying to make himself look innocent since he actually committed the Olympic Park bombing. Richard Jewel was innocent, but I feel like we never properly acquitted him in the court of public opinion. This year, I will light a candle every day in memory of the deceased hero, Richard Jewel.

Buy a gun.
We are heading back to the shoot 'em up days of the early 1990s, where everybody was "packing heat." Owning a gun will become a necessity for survival. By the end of the year, you will not even be able to buy salvia at the local record shop without somebody holding a gun to your head and asking you if you believe in God. Just remember, that is the most important question anybody will ever ask you.

See a 3D movie.
I think I should see a 3D movie this year. I do a weekly movie article on this site and I don't think I can accurately tell my readers to see Yogi the Bear 3D without having seen a single 3D movie. It costs a lot of money to see a 3D movie, but it might be worth it. I wouldn't know because I haven't seen one yet.

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New Year's Resolutions 2011

By Glenn 

If you were reading this website a year ago, you no doubt remember this. By laying out our resolutions for 2010, our readers had the tools to hold us accountable for what we did and didn't do in the previous year. Unfortunately they chose not to do that and none of our resolutions came true. I'm taking extreme precautions to make sure this year will be different.


Here are my New Year's Resolutions for the year of 2011 in the year of our lord.

#1 - Find the real DC Snipers

This has always bugged me. There is no way John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo, driving a blue 1990 Chevrolet Caprice sedan, could have committed all those murders. Much in the way OJ Simpson offered a reward for help in finding the "real killers," I will give my entire VHS collection to whoever comes forward and admits to the shootings. I know too many people in DC to let the real snipers roam free. Justice cannot go unserved any longer.

#2 - Get rid of all my VHS tapes

VHS tapes used to be great, but now they're just weighing me down - LITERALLY! I carry them everywhere I go just in case I find someone with a VCR, allowing me to watch Being John Malkovich, Lawrence of Arabia or Nick of Time starring Johnny Depp. I'm sick of carrying these tapes and if I can find some useful way to get rid of them I gladly will. Then my 2012 resolution can be to get rid of the hundreds of High Definition DVDs I bought before Toshiba went out of business.

#3 - Quit telling lies about Toshiba


The lies I began telling about Toshiba came from a righteous place: my new year's resolutions of 2004. The previous year a friend of mine got a Toshiba computer that turned out to be crap! Also, I had a Toshiba DVD player that wouldn't play any of the HD DVDs that a future self came back in time to deliver to me. Thus I started a campaign to discredit Toshiba in every way possible, from sarcastic tumblrs (then known as "tumblers") to protests outside Best Buy stores to frivolous lawsuits claiming the Toshiba DVD player had started recording video from my living room and sending it to Toshiba headquarters in Tokyo. I cooled my vendetta a bit after they agreed to stop recording me but started it again after Obama was elected President. No more lies, though, Toshiba. I promise.

#4 - Stop Shopping at Best Buy

There are many reasons to boycott Best Buy: their treatment of slaves during the 1700s, the pejorative term "Geek Squad" and their refusal to let people protesting their stores use their public bathrooms. We all have a collective, Japanese-style shame for our role in causing Circuit City to go out of business. We did it by shopping at Best Buy. The best way to get Circuit City BACK in business is by refusing to shop at Best Buy. This will not be hard for me to do as I have not been allowed in a Best Buy since March 31st, 2006, but I frequently use their website to purchase "Our Gang" HD DVDs.

#5 - Kill My Future Self When He Comes Back to Visit Me

There is a website called Future Me where normal people like you can write emails to be read by the site's owners while a team of interns search for your real name and the ability to blackmail you. I don't need to use this site to talk to my future self, as he visits me once or twice a year. He usually travels from roughly five years in the future, but I'm not going to give up any of the information he told me. It's better to be surprised, which is why I plan to kill him the next time he comes to see me. It'll be a surprise to him, but not to me. This will ensure I start valuing my life more than I have been because there will be a known end date. If no one is going to keep me accountable for this year's resolutions I'll do it myself. This is the only realistic way I see how.


Happy New Year!

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OYIT New Year's Resolutions

Tonight is New Year's Eve, the third most magical day in December (following Christmas and Boxing Day). Part of the magic of New Year's Eve is making, and then quickly breaking, resolutions. Though there was intense debate on if you release your resolutions before the "new year," the staff decided to list the five things we wanted to do differently in 2010. If you have a New Year's resolution of your own, please post it in the comment section or write it on a piece of paper and bury it in a nearby Jewish cemetery.

Jake 

Get 10,000 followers on Twitter and tell them what I ate for breakfast every day.

Read a book.

Watch every episode of Who's the Boss?

Write a script for a sitcom about a guy who opens a computer repair shop in the heart of Amish country.

Buy a new pair of sunglasses.

Mikey

Eat at Arby's more than 102 times (my current record).

Remember my anniversary for once.

Play a video game with my son. I don't have to win, just not embarrass myself. Maybe I should practice.

Listen to at least one album that comes out in 2010. Hopefully Hootie is releasing a new one.

Eat less omelets and more frittatas.

Maddie

Lose 200 pounds

Take and use one of the Hollywood Tan coupons the man on 6th Ave always tries to give me

Read every month's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine

Find a husband

Hate even MORE people/things for irrational reasons

Glenn

Convince everyone I know that the end of the decade is one year from now, not today.

Become a pet owner in a desperate attempt to fill an emotional void in my life.

Chat online less, but with more people.

Don't gain one more pound from eating Sour Patch Kids, unless it's muscle.

Start my new gender reassignment cruise business.

Bub

Kill something.

Read every month's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Start a new dance craze - the whirling phlebotomist.

Pee on command.

Start a rival TV network to Oprah's channel that broadcasts everything on Oprah's channel but instead of the actual audio, the song 'I Like To Move It' will be played on a loop.

Hot Rod

Kill something.

Be Jesus.

Turn Rock 'n' Roll into a candy.

Make a wife out of cigarettes.

Buy my mom something nice.

Nate

I resolve to donate $100 to every Tea Party candidate running for Congress.

End don't Ask Don't Tell, close Gitmo, and end the War in Iraq by the end of the year.

I resolve to get into shape by swimsuit season.

I resolve to stop writing "Happy Birthday" on Facebook walls.

I resolve to build a better Build-A-Bear.

I resolve to end my fingernail chewing habit by carrying finger nail clippers with me wherever I go.

I resolve to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies in the US by 0.913% by getting a vasectomy.

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