Showing posts with label Hot Rod. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hot Rod. Show all posts

Hot Rod's Guide To The Future




By Hot Rod 


Much is unknown in the world - how tall is the Eiffel Tower; how many wives did Jesus have; how the fuck do magnets work? But no mystery is more unknowable than The Future. Today you could be sitting on your couch playing TNA Impact on Xbox as Samoa Joe doing a muscle buster on Kurt Angle, and the next day your mom could find your stash of cat and squirrel bones under your bed and it would all be over. You just never know - The Future - until it happens. Even so, with these simple tips you can face the uncertainty with the confidence of Hulk Hogan and the handsomeness of Hector Guerrero.


Tip 1. Batteries. In The Future most things will be made out of batteries, so stock up now. The more batteries you have, the less likely you will be eaten by zombies or by your mom’s friends that are dicks. You can pelt attackers with batteries or electrocute them by sticking the little nubs in each of your enemy’s ears. Make sure you are wearing rubber gloves when you do it, and also I think you have to be standing in a pool of water. I’ll write my dad in prison and ask him to make sure.

Your batteries are dead you say? Well, don’t throw ‘em out because in The Future, Robot-Jesus will bring batteries back to life for people that are awesome.


Tip 2. Be awesome. In The Future only awesome people will be allowed to do the best things - smoke cigarettes; pet cats and crippled squirrels and keep their bones when they die; vote. You’ll have to pass a test at the government Office of Awesomeness. I know you can’t read, but don’t worry - it’s multiple choice. Just make a kick-ass pattern out of the answer ovals and the cooler the picture you make, the better score you get on the test. I’m going to make an eagle being crucified on a cross made out of flying-V guitars. It’ll be hard to tell what it is though with just the answer bubbles so I’ll get a D. I‘m kind of nervous now, I hope they still let me prank call McDonalds to order a ‘McFuckYou‘…


Tip 3. Butter. You will need to get strong to protect your family and squirrels from predators so you need to bulk up. The best way to do that is with nature’s super food, “butter”. Just take a spoon and dig into that tub like it was a giant bowl of crushed up freezie-pops. It will taste gross at first, and then you will throw up, and then it will not taste any better. But an hour after you eat it your muscles will grow bigger than Rob Van Dam’s. How do you think he got so big in the first place? My dad told me it was steroids, which is just a fancy term for injecting butter into your veins with a needle.

You shouldn’t have to go that far though, needles are hard to find since you’d have to take the bus all the way over by the methadone clinic and then climb back into the dumpster behind the Sav-A-Lot next door. Remember how bad you scraped your knee the last time? Don’t bother - you can just eat it, snort it or smear it all over your body to the same effect.


Tip 4. Beanie Babies. In The Future Beanie Babies will become the universal currency. Money will no longer have value since there will be a world-wide food shortage where we are forced to eat it and it doesn’t taste very good. Beanie Babies on the other hand are surprisingly delicious, especially the pig one, the turtle one, and the knock-off chicken one you made out of chicken nuggets. People will have special belts made to carry them around that will have hooks to attach each Beanie Baby to. The richest men in the world will look like giant packs of tiny rabid animals when they walk. Feral dogs will attack and eat them. It will not be a very efficient system. But it will be all we are left with after the bloody war between Total Nonstop Action Wresting and World Wrestling Entertainment that kills 99% of the world’s population of humans and cripples 99% of the world’s squirrels. So stock up on Beanie Babies to combat the upcoming food shortage and practice getting bitten by dogs so it will hurt less when you get eaten, or it will hurt the same but you will be used to it so it wont be as big a deal.


So those are the Four Bs of the B’apocalypse - Batteries, Being Awesome, Butter, and Beanie Babies. I know you will have a hard time remembering them so you can give yourself a homemade tattoo by cutting the letters into your skin with a steak knife and then coloring them in with permanent markers. I know you can’t spell so just draw pictures. You can make a picture of Taz to represent ’Being Awesome’. Good luck, and may you bleed quickly when the feral dogs come.

Hot Rod's Guide To Primaries



By Hot Rod


It is the most exciting time of the year again for the farmers that drink coffee all morning at the donut shop – presidential election season! Since they are so old, their years are longer than ours, and equal approximately 4 human years. Primary season is the most fun part of the election season, because everyone gets to argue with everyone else, and at the end each party still has a winner. Whenever I sneak out early in the morning with my mom’s purse to buy a dozen bear claws (which I eat for medicinal purposes) I usually catch the old guys talking about the weather and how they wished divorce was still illegal, but when a presidential election is around the bend their conversations become more interesting, I assume. All I actually know about politics has to do with lizard people.

Since I live in Iowa, sometimes all the candidates come down to the donut shop to visit, but they never let me in on those days, just because my pockets are full of bottle rockets and nails. But those old guys get to meet them all and tell them they’re great candidates, and talk about how rotten things are in this horrible country that they love so much, where everyone who isn’t like them should leave because they couldn’t possibly love it they way they do, just like that rotten handsome hippie bartender that took off with their wife. The candidates make a face and shake their heads until the old men are done complaining after they trail off while staring at floor in mournful reflection. Then the next day they all congratulate each other on telling the candidates off, and console each other about their wives and the weather. Since there is a primary tonight, (in a place that was either named after a pet, or where pets are allowed to vote, I forget...) I want to share the wisdom about each of the candidates I’ve gotten from the old guys at the donut shop so that you future voters can help keep America great, or white, or however that saying goes…


The Candidates

  • One thing they all agree on is that they hate the one Muslim-socialist candidate - Mitt Romney. Romney was born in a place called Kenya which is somewhere in communist Russia. He wears magic clothes that turn people’s minds off when he gives a speech. It makes his speeches seem like boring catchphrases and stilted, awkward attempts at seeming capable of empathy, so that no one will remember all the stuff he said about how great Hitler was and how people should have access to medical care.

  • Next there is Ron Paul. He’s the one that talks like Don Knotts and says we should bury all of our money underground. While they love his ideas about burying valuables and assassinating everyone in congress, the old guys don’t care for the way he says we shouldn’t blow up every other country. If the president doesn’t keep America safe, personally – possibly with a type of magic pants - then the next thing we know we’ll all be dead, or worse, Iranian.

  • Then there is the one that looks and smells like cabbage. He says everything like he thinks you, specifically, are an asshole. He’s got beady eyes that pierce his enemies (presumably everyone) like black marbles wearing Mitt Romney’s magic clothes would pierce your mind if they, the marbles, were giving a speech. He is Newt Gingrich, and as you can tell, he’s very compelling. The old guys especially support his policy of wife hating. And they think he’s got the kind of face you could see on Mt. Rushmore, or, at least, on a patriotic scarecrow.

  • There is also Rick Santorum, the homosexual candidate. He actually won here in Iowa, which is surprising because the lonely old men that seek companionship with each other every day are very much against homosexuality. From what the internet says Santorum is covered in a gross goo that makes him look like Slimer from Ghost Busters, but brown. Despite all that the old guys liked him a lot because of how ‘clean cut’ he looked and because he promised to resegregate The South.

  • There’s another Rick. Rick something. He used to be president before Obama became president and ruined our country by doing mostly the same things that he did while president, like declaring victory in Iraq. The old guys used to like other Rick, but he reminds them too much of themselves. And they’re very self-loathing.

  • Then there’s another guy from Utah, I forget his name, but no one liked him because he was sent from China to run for president here since the Supreme Court decided to let other countries have candidates in our elections. The old guys worried that he would let China steal all the jobs we send there.

So there you have it – vote or die, dudes! Or just wait to vote in the real election. Or don’t vote at all, those are really your four options. No matter which one you choose, you should still write in a vote for “Mickey Mouse” because while it is really funny to do that, he would also make a great president.

Hot Rod's Guide To Everything


By Hot Rod

Anything exists only because of a fluke in physical laws that allows for one particle of matter to emerge from every billion particles of matter meeting every billion particles of anti-matter that come into existence and annihilates each other. Life exists because our matter is arranged in the same asymmetrical chemical makeup that apparently has the same switch flipped to reproduce that sparked that initial particle of matter to come into existence. All of our experience and consciousness is an evolutionary adaptation based in pattern recognition that increases our likelihood of proliferating life through our internal patterns of DNA. All pleasure and meaning we experience only exists to further and abet the end of procreation. All pleasurable physical experiences - sexual experiences, eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom, are adaptations that help encourage the reproduction of our DNA patterns. All pleasurable artistic experiences are a result of an evolutionary adaptation that prizes pattern recognition over most skills because of the paramount advantage it lends to the furthering of our internal patterns. Proto-humans learned to recognize how plants grew, how weather cycled; how to attract mates, and most importantly how to avoid predatory dangers. Pattern recognition is especially key in the latter skill though it plays a significant role in all, because it afforded us the skills to be able to avoid predation by anticipating it through pattern recognition.

So we have the basic physical sensations of survival - hunger, thirst, hurt, physical contact, love, sex, relieving oneself - that provide immediate reinforcement for activities that will reproduce our patterns. Then we have the more sophisticated pattern recognition rewards that make us ‘human’.

Patterns that are recognized are first enjoyed, then desensitized and then automatically recognized with no further biological incentive. It is this reason why we are not constantly bewildered by the millions of pieces of information presented to us at every given moment. It is the surprising patterns that generate positive chemical responses because they are the most valuable to recognize - you may as well have successfully predicted how the wily bear-tiger chooses its meals and avoided becoming one of those. Drugs are chastised in society because they present biological shortcuts to the reinforcement mechanisms that are in place to encourage you to do the right thing to reproduce. Drugs present similar chemical feedback as if you were succeeding in life; diminishing the likelihood you would suffer other more tedious conventions in order to experience the same reward.

Surprising patterns are recognized in art - as surprising visual patterns; in music - as surprising auditory patterns; in language - as literature, and poetry and comedy. Comedy actually incites the same electrical brain waves as having a seizure. Comedy and all arts at their best subverts patterns to such a shocking degree that it actually changes people for the better. Language itself is a series of recognized patterns of sounds that has proved evolutionarily beneficial. It has no inherent meaning, and subsequently neither do our thoughts which are comprised of language and are just one outlet of pattern recognition furthering the end of pattern reproduction. The separation between animals and humans, and plants for that matter, is merely the schema we use to recognize and utilize patterns. We have developed a very sophisticated seeming system for pattern recognition that has afforded our patterns the replication opportunities that most other DNA based creatures cannot enjoy. But at the same time, even altruism is based in the desire to replicate our internal patterns, just as grass and spores, and while its impulse is diminished every layer extended beyond the original, it still exists to such an extent that if you were left alone in a world with nothing but an eggplant plant and sand, you would be as emotionally invested in caring for that eggplant as you would your own child. Because we share a certain percentage of DNA; we share whatever that thing is that makes things alive, whatever that improbable offshoot of anti-matter meeting matter has invested in us and continued its inexplicable mission to continue to create matter out of nothing through pattern recognition and replication.

Hot Rod's Guide To Mothers Day


By Hot Rod 

Today is Mothers Day. Glenn Danzig memorialized this day in his song 'Mother'. His mother was a very hot girl, that had black hair a cut-off t-shirt and could really sing. I feel the same way about my mom - the cut off sleeve thing at least. Most of her shirts have rips in them just like Danzig's mom. Probably because they both steal their clothes from the Salvation Army donation bins. I celebrate Mother's Day by shooting fireworks at the stray cats down at the train yard. I used to celebrate it by going to Pizza Hut with my mom, but the court ordered that I can't have unsupervised visits with my mom ever since she stole my collection of Carmelo Anthony cards. I made up a story and told the court that she was helping me save them up to take to the ice cream station at the Chinese buffet to redeem for actual caramel, and that she had bought me more caramel than they even have in China, but they didn't buy it. The court said they were used in an illicit drug transaction and that she needs to be 'deterred'. My court supervisor wants to spend Mothers Day with her own kids, so the way I see it is that people with developmental disabilities are out of luck on this holiday. Luckily cats don't celebrate holidays or have developmental disabilities, so there are plenty to blow up.

My first order of business is flowers. I know what you are thinking, and no, grass does not count as a flower. I know it is green and you cut it and you can't survive by eating it alone, and it can't collapse into a free fall without a controlled dynamite explosion, and Jews were ordered to evacuate it on 9/11 before the planes hit, but despite the uncanny similarities, grass is not a flower. Lilacs are the best for this day because they are just now blooming and readily available in your back yard neighbor's bushes. Go out at three in the morning to retrieve them so as to be undetected and to avoid the ghosts that patrol at midnight. A large Burger King's Onion Rings holder makes an excellent vase. It also makes a last resort condom. But only for fisting.

Second order of business is chocolate. Moms love three things - chocolate, black guys, and my basketball card collection. Your mom resents you because you are not a black guy, and because your social worker told on her for trying to steal your basketball cards. But one thing she cannot resent you for is chocolate, if you give her some. Give her some chocolate - it is an aphrodisiac; not that you want your mother to be aphrodeified, but you want to put her under so she doesn't feel any surgeries on her special day. She usually gets her annual tube tying this weekend, but some years she will opt for the polyp removal or colon lengthening. If you afro-americanize her with chocolates she will not feel that literal pain in the colon.

Last order of business is, love her. She loves you, even if it is not totally evident. For your benefit, she did a LOT of cocaine to be able to dance in night clubs in order to afford the basketball cards that she would later steal from you. She has been pretty horrible to you by some measurements, yet you still mean more to her than any other person. She is going to continue to do terrible things, and hurt you in ways she doesn't realize she is hurting you - like when you want to watch Sesame Street and she calls you a 'baby' and makes you spit out your pacifier; but everybody does terrible things whether they mean to or not - it is a difference of kinds not degrees. Forgive her man, no matter what. Love may not conquer all, but if you die while feeling love you could not ask for more, except for more freezie pops. Happy Mothers Day, suckers!!

When A Man Meets A Woman: A One Act Play


By Hot Rod 

Action!

Scene: Railroad yard. Stray cats walking around sexily. Empty cigarette cartons littered among the discarded tires. A beautiful redhead in high heels and fur walks warily down the tracks. A man in a Dick Tracy outfit steps out from the shadows.

Man: "Hey there, baby. What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?"

Woman: Surprised, then intrigued. "Howdy, partner. How's about you light my fire?"

Man: "Sure thing, sweetheart." Takes out a lighter and tries to set the woman's fur on fire.

Woman: Steps back. "No, silly. Not literally." She takes a cigarette out of her pocket book. "I mean this." She mouths her cigarette suggestively.

Man: "Oh, sorry babe. It's just you reminded me of the last dame I set on fire." Lights her cigarette. "The name is Sargent: Sargent Penis. I'm a private eye. That means that I look through windows at ladies undressing, for a living. And sweetheart, let me tell you, I wouldn't mind working for you."

Woman: Blushing. "Oh, Sargent! How much do you charge?"

Man: "For you darling, it'd be on the house."

Woman: Unbuckles her belt and opens her dress like a trenchcoated street flasher, revealing her totally nude swimsuit.

Man: "Nice work, miss! That's grade A lasagne hamburger helper if I ever ate it three times a week. If I wasn't afraid of getting you pregnant, I'd kiss you right on the mouth!!"

Woman: "Shucks, I bet you say that to all the naked ladies."

Man: "Yes ma'am, I do. That's my job."

A train approaches and stops in front of them.

Man: "Well, I guess this is goodbye."

Woman: "Oh darling. Will I ever see you again?"

Man: "On a cool, starry night, look out of your bedroom window at the moon and think of me. I'll be there. In the bushes by your shed."

Conductor: "All aboard!"

Woman: "Here, let me give you something to remember me by." Takes off her fur boa and hands it to Sarge.

Sarge takes the boa and tips his hat. The woman sheds a single tear, turns away and boards the train. The train pulls out. Sarge, steps onto the tracks facing the train, watching it leave. He holds the fur up, takes out a lighter and sets it ablaze. Then he drops it, still burning, and walks back into the shadows.

Fade to black.

Scene!

Hot Rod's Guide To Taxes


By Hot Rod 

It's Tax Day again. It's not as exciting as Fri Day like that song because there are no cool black dudes rapping about Tax Day, even though there are literally zillions of thirteen year old girls singing about taxes. 'Boy-oh-boy' my Uncle Barney would say when had to think about grown up things like taxes or giving my mom a ride to the abortion clinic. But the thing is, you see, that without taxes neither abortions or my Uncle Barney would exist. My Uncle Barney is on disability from his pelvis accident, and all abortions are paid for by our tax dollars. Without the federal government demandating abortions, no babies would ever die. Can you even imagine that? Heaven would be such a sad place - with nothing but old people there, wishing there were still abortions so that they'd have babies to play with. I took care of a baby once for three whole days. One of my mom's boyfriends got a free baby through his business (I think he was a blacktopper or a lawyer or something) and gave it to me when hitting it wouldn't stop it from crying. I knew better. I had just the trick - freezie pops. Everybody loves freezie pops, but especially babies because they don't know any better and they think it's ice cream or cigarettes or a margarita. I fed the baby freezie pops and let it sleep in my freezie pop wrapper drawer until my mom took the baby to the zoo. It hasn't come back yet so it must be having a lot of fun. Either that or it got an abortion and went to heaven. I named the baby 'Slayer' and even gave it a Slayer tattoo by taping the cassette cover of 'Reign In Blood' to its diaper. I loved that baby the way a me loves a pet anole. Though I don't love anoles as much when they turn all brown and hollow and don't run around anymore. That's when they go into my anole drawer and I have to save up another three dollars to get a new one.

So yeah, taxes. People don't like 'em but that's only 'cuz they don't understand how money exists. Money isn't worth anything without a government saying it will arrest you if you try to take it from somebody that already owns it . Otherwise the dollar store would have accepted as payment for freezie pops all that confederate money I stole from Uncle Barney. There is nothing to enforce the value of confederate dollars so they're just as worthless as paper. Paper is worthless unless there is someone willing to buy it. And you can't buy anything without money. And money isn't worth anything unless there is a government that controls the exclusive use of legitimate violence and is willing to enforce its worth through legitimate violence via a legal system. I can already hear you asking well, 'what if I trade cigarettes for freezie pops?' and 'how do you know about 'government control of exclusive use of legitimate violence?' The answers are 'that'd be dumb because cigarettes are even better than freezie pops, but property doesn't automatically exist either - think of animals, they have no exclusive property, if they want something they just take it or they attack another animal to get it if they have to - humans have used reason to agree not to attack each other in order for some people to 'own' some 'property' so that others could own other property and everyone could live a more peaceful existence, but without a government that can put someone in jail for attacking you trying to take your property, you are just at the mercy of the wild and gold is worth much less than a very sharp stick; and I don't. Money gets its value from the violent strength of the government enforcing it - explicit strength through military power, and implicit violent power through economic prosperity. Governments can only employ a finite amount of violent strength, there is only one pie (that through globalization has expanded to include the entire global economy but as a developmentally disabled teenager I wont get into that at the moment). So governments need to collect taxes in order to perform functions in the economy. And American government performs functions because we believe that people are created equal. For that to mean anything though we can't just be equal before the law - that's just the explicit agreed-to violent threat - we need to be equal economically as well - to account for the implicit violent threat that is enforced through the law. Economics is an inexact science however, so people cannot be literally equal economically, but our job as a democracy must be to provide as large of a social safety net as possible. It may be attractive to live a rich, luxurious lifestyle, but it is necessarily done so on at the expense of those that are not. It is simply not part of the agreements that make property and money able to exist. If we are all created equal, then we are equally entitled to everything in this world - even though my hair isn't cut evenly like the rich kids' that laugh at me when I talk to myself at the swimming pool, I have the same right to exist as they do. And since I am born into a world society that has propertized, monetized and governed everything already - since I do not have the ability to decide whether or not to be a subject of this global society, I need a guarantee for the most basic aspects of survival and human freedoms. That is what human rights are. That is what taxes do. Since all money is a government creation, taxes, in reality, are a cut to the largest entitlement program in existence.

Gosh, I think I need a margarita after all that. I wish this margarita bottle I got at the dollar store made me drunk like beer does. I think I just have to drink a real lot, like 10 gallons or something. Actually, I just wish my mom would buy me some beer. But she hasn't done that since she bought me a forty ounce bottle of Icehouse and I tried to poop on the neighbor's front door as a prank. I really just pooped in the toilet and fell asleep in the bathroom with a lit cigarette that I dropped on the floor and burnt a hole in the linoleum. That actually sounds kind of fun instead. Well, I'm off to fall asleep on the bathroom floor with a lit cigarette. But YOU remember to pay your taxes. Or else you're a dick and you'll get eaten by a lion.

Tuesday Debate: Hot Rod v. Hot Rod - Is God Our President?




By Hot Rod 

Hot Rod: Many people like to debate Hot Topics. I usually just go there for my wallet chains. But I will debate a less hot but still interesting question: Is God our President? The answer is yes. It says so on our money, and in our national anthem. Plus God is President of the Bible. He is the creator of all things - from crappy things like drunk moms, to awesome things like Slayer. How could he possibly create Slayer and not be president? That just wouldn't be democratic. My uncle Barney tells me that's what our country is about - democracy. And what I've gathered from him that democracy means is that everybody has to read the Bible or leave our country. I don't want to leave our country and go somewhere like Afghanistan or Paris where they kill you if you believe in God. If you DON'T believe in God HE will kill you! So that would be a pretty sticky situation, much like my drawer full of empty freezie pop wrappers.

Hot Rod: I respect your point, sir, but I will respectually disagree. That is not what democracy is at all. Democracy is when there's a country with mostly white people and they get to tell everybody else what to do. Otherwise people would just play basketball and baseball and kung fu all day and no one would go to work at the freezie pop factory. If the country doesn't have mostly white people, then they probably don't have a freezie pop factory, and we don't really need to pay attention to it.

Hot Rod: I resent your disdain for 'people of color' and your disdain for sticking to the debate subject. Freezie pops aren't all that matter in this world. The Bible tells us so. There's a lot more stuff the Bible says to worry about, like if God will tell your dad to break out of prison and come home and murder you like he did mom's boyfriend. Also, the Bible says Jesus is love, and that he wore night gowns and flip flops all the time, and he hated gay people. There is not one mention of 'people of color' in the Bible, so they, like dinosaurs must have never existed. Or at least not to the extent that God is not President.

Hot Rod: I think you are imitating that our real president - Barack Obama - who is as you insensitively put it a 'person of color' can't be president because he doesn't exist. Even is you are born in Iraq, like President Obama, you are still a real person, and we should not bomb you or say you don't get to be our president. Sadaam Hussein was a pretty bad guy, but he had an admirable moustache. Jesus and Osama Bin Laden look IDENTICAL to me, in my hallucinations. And you know who has the best beard of them all? That's right, God. Which is why he is our president.

Hot Rod: Hold on a second, 'people of color' is not a bad thing to say. They are MUCH cooler than you or I. They make fancy music about drinking vodkas out of crystal schooners, and they have luxurious cars that make you feel bad about yourself when they drive by and call you 'fagot'. But, that's not all - they are ALSO our president, Barack Obama; our heroes, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, LeBron James, Shakira, Limp Bizkit, the list goes on. Just because none of them are in Slayer doesn't mean that your uncle is right and that racism is OK. It's not, and if God were president he would see to it that racism didn't exist, and neither should your uncle.

Hot Rod: That's a very valid point. I think I know a way to end racism and make both God & Barack Obama the president.

Hot Rod: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Hot Rod: Yea dude! Let's go to Aldi and get some freaking freezie pops!!

Hot Rod: I was thinking of killing uncle Barney.

Hot Rod: Oh. I don't know. You're always thinking that. It's probably just because he abused you all those years growing up.

Hot Rod: Yea, you're probably right, let's go to Aldi for some freezie pops!


!*!Debate!*!

Hot Rod's Guide to the County Fair


By Hot Rod 

Hi everyone! It's summer time and you know what that means - lightning bugs. You can make earrings out of them by squishing them onto your ear lobes. It's cheap and convenient, AND you get to kill something! But that's not the best part about summer - the best part is the County Fair. The County Fair is where dreams come true, especially if you have recurring dreams about NASCAR themed mirrors. It's the non-Muslim version of Mecca, where everyone is equal and there to share the same experience. Also, a lot of people wear flip flops and hate people from different religions. The last time I went to the fair I saw both the old man I stole $20 from at the gas station, and the police officer that arrested me. We were no longer adversaries - we were Men Who Consumed Funnel Cakes.

The only royalty at the fair are the Carnies. These people are old sages that have experienced life in a way most of us never will (high on PCP). If a Carnie asks you to do something, you better just do it. Don't even try to argue with them, they're too clever. You'll just end up owing them more money than what it would have cost to play their water-rifle game to begin with. And you'll go home without a giant stuffed Dino from the Flintstones.

While I'm at it, let me give you some more helpful County Fair tips:

1. The safest place to be in the bumper car rink is the corner. Preferably behind a few unoccupied cars to provide a buffer zone. As soon as they flip the power switch, make a bee line straight to the nearest corner and barricade yourself in. That way even if you get hit, due to the scientific principle of transference the impact will be absorbed by the side rails. It might not be as fun as running into the other cars, but that's not the point. This is bumper cars, dude, and you're in it to win it.

2. If you stand at the right spot near the Ferris wheel, you can see up womens' skirts. This is the closest you're going to get to the real thing, so you might as well take advantage of this while you can. You can pretend you're just looking at the fireworks. If there aren't any fireworks and someone asks why you're staring, tell them about your schizophrenia.

3. The demolition derby is the only legal place you can smash cars. I found this out the hard way. The demo derby is just so awesome it's hard to resist the impulse to smash a few car windows on the way home from the fair. Just don't do it. Or if you do, make sure it's a poor people's car.

4. Drink a bottle of cough syrup. This way you can get high even though the Carnies wont sell you any of their weed. This will really heighten the emotional suspense of the beauty pageant, and it's the only way possible to enjoy the Tilt-A-Whirl.

5. Have fun, dude! This is the only day of the year when you wont be crippled by anxiety, so make the most of it. Eat as many Elephant Ears and Corn Dogs as you possibly can. DO drink from abandoned cups in the beer tent. Go ahead and throw up if it will make you feel better - this is a safe environment that welcomes and even solicits vomit. And most important, have as many sno-cones as you can - these are the Kush equivalent of freezie pops. Primo grade, you wont find anything better north of Colombia. I heard a guy say that phrase going into a port-a-potty near the beer tent.

This is your day to shine. Pick out your best t-shirt of Calvin peeing on things, put on your starchiest pair of Dickies, and apply as much Vaseline to your hair that it can handle. It's the County Fair, baby, where the 8-Balls set THEMSELVES on fire!

Hot Rod's Guide to Surprise Parties


By Hot Rod 

From the OYIT Vault:

Surprise parties are the most fun of all parties except stripper parties. But surprise parties are free and the strippers know your mom and will rat you out for smoking cigarettes. There are five key ingredients to throwing a good surprise party. Once you have those, get them all together in one area and then this is what you do:


1. Put on the blindfold. People will really believe it’s a surprise if you’re surprised yourself. This way if you have a blindfold on you wont see the person coming into the party and they might even think you’re kidnapped, which would be even more surprising.


2. Leave the freezer pops on the kitchen table. You don’t have time to drink any juice from unfrozen freezer pops yet – you’re throwing a surprise party. Get your mind out of the gutter.


3. Buy lots of beer with the money you took. If you buy the beer with someone else’s money, you can’t get in trouble for having it by the cops. All you have to say is, “I am not in legal possession of this beverage or its container, your honor”. It’s like garlic to a vampire.


4. Turn up the White Snake as loud as the cassette player goes. It’s too hard to be quiet for a long time, especially if you’re listening to White Snake and you really want to shout “Rock and Roll!” The problem is that if you’re shouting about White Snake, and living life, then the person wont be surprised because they know how much White Snake rocks too. And they’ll know you’re there. If the music is all the way up then they will be confused – like maybe they’re walking into a scene from a horror movie. This is where the fake blood comes in.


5. You’ve already made five gallons of fake blood from ketchup and cat blood. It should be over there in the corner by the couch. When the person comes in, pour the bucket of fake blood all over the couch. This will be hard to do because you will be blind-folded, so you might want to practice beforehand with water or just cat blood. Once the couch is covered in fake blood, the surprise party has begun. At this point you can take off your blindfold, and get some unfrozen freezer pops from the kitchen.


6. If the person calls the police just tell the cops when they get there, “Surprise, your honor!” And the surprise party law goes into effect. They’ll leave you alone like holy water and vampires. My dad taught me about the law. He died in prison.


So how does it feel to have thrown a rockin’ surprise party? It’s kind of wet, I know. You can wear a garbage bag next time to keep you dry. Just make sure you empty out the garbage first because sometimes garbage is wet too. Remember kids – don’t try this at home! Unless you want to throw a surprise party, then you should do what I wrote. Surprise!

Good Morning Parents


By Bub 


I am alive. I thought I was dying. It turns out, I just ate a lot of beets. You see, beets have the capacity to change the color of just about anything it comes in contact with to the reddish purple color of beet. This contact, I now know after a frantic call to my doctor this morning, does not have to happen externally. So in honor of my still being alive and of the guy that died in the subway forcing me to get off two stops early, let's celebrate.

If you are a mother, you may think that the celebrations are over. However if you are a sexy latin mother, or a chattel sex slave to an arab sheik/mother you are in luck, because Mother's Day is celebrated on May 10 in Mexico, El Salvador, Guatemala, Saudi Arabia, Oman, Qatar, and the United Arab Emirates.

Fathers don't feel left out because you can celebrate Father's Day in Romania in 2009! (It fell on May 9th this year)

If you are not a mother or a father and have never had one then you may be a mushroom.

If you ARE a mushroom, don't panic, this type of condition usually clears itself up within 24-48 hours.

If you aren't a mushroom and ALSO do not have a child or children then enjoy this video:






And here to do our guest predictions is our friend Hot Rod:


Today's prediction/weather: 22

Today's Mento's commercial: The one where the guy gives the little kid a mentos.

Today's Robot Holocaust: scary

Today's salad is: boring

Today's salamander: died when I forgot to feed him ever

Today's music is: Puttin on the Ritz by Taco, cuz one; I like tacos, and two; whenever I am eating Ritz crackers I like to play this song and put one of the crackers over my eye like a rich person.

Today's beating: hurt my feelings more than my back

Today's club is: bumpin' bumpin'.

Today's ladies: leave your man at home.

Today's Child is: Destined.

Sorry that Destiny's Child song came on the radio in my head...

Have a good morning, and remember, remember the Alamo!!!

Hot Rod's Guide to Oil Spills




By Hot Rod 


Oil spills are mother nature's way of getting oil all over everything. 'Mother nature' is what I call British Petroleum. A couple weeks ago something happened in the sea where Sarah Palin was digging for oil and all of a sudden a big oil ghost the size of Africa came out of the Earth and flooded New Orleans just like Hurricane Katrina. That's why I always say it's not a good idea to dig if you don't call Julie and ask her where the ghosts live. I'm not sure why they didn't just drill, like when they used to say 'drill baby drill'. I loved that. I say all kinds of things that way now, by taking a word, repeating it and sticking 'baby' in the middle. Just think how much more fun it is to say 'mustard, baby, mustard', than it is to say, 'all I have to eat is mustard'.

That's the secret for getting oil - you gotta drill. You can't just blow up oil rigs and fill the ocean with petroleum. Fish don't even drive cars yet. If you drill for the oil then it comes out of the Earth calmly and orderly like in a fire drill. I usually cry during fire drills, but that's just cuz my mom used to beat me whenever she heard a loud noise. Oil is a lot tougher and had better parents, so it can just deal with it and jump into oil barrels like a man. I tried to jump into an oil barrel once and it didn't go so well. But my cousin recorded it and we sent the video to the Jackass guys, and they liked it so much they sent back a box of poop.

So oil is getting all over stuff, that's not good. But Rush Limbaugh said that the ocean will just take care of it because it's as natural as the ocean water, I think he was talking about a tsunami. Anyway that's the good news. Once the ocean eats all the oil it will grow back all of the destroyed wetlands and bring all the animals back to life. I tried to bring a dead cat back to life down at the railyard, but I just ended up getting mustard everywhere. The dead cat lives under my bed now next to the box of poop.


Here are some easy tips to prevent oil spills in the future:


Take your meds. I know I always get shaky when I forget to take my meds, or when I don't take my meds on purpose so I'll be angry enough to mow the lawn. When you're shaky you spill things. When you spill things, things get spilled. It's that simple. Take your meds, oil rigs.


Hire Africa ladies. I saw on the Discovery channel before that some ladies in Africa carry big things of water on top of their heads. It seems like if you carry things higher the less likely it is that they will spill. Also the Africa ladies have really good balance because they have to walk carefully so they don't get AIDS. Just have all the Africa ladies carry the oil barrels on their heads. That way everyone wins, because the oil doesn't get spilled, and there are a lot more nutrients in oil than there is in water to feed the starving Africans.


Perform an exorcist. One of the most common pitfalls in oil extraction is the ghost attack. People are too busy in this modern world with their ipads and their microwaves to worry about ghosts. Well, Mr. scientist what do you think powers all of your modern devices? That's right, oil. And you have to fight an army of ghosts to get it. Hire a team of exorcisors to combat this problem before it gets out of hand. If you don't, you'll end up with a situation like we have today where ghosts are running rampant and throwing oil on all of the seagulls.

Smoke pot. Abraham Lincoln always used to say 'Live. Laugh. Love' and he smoked pot. I think if we all smoked pot the world would be a better place because we would laugh a lot more; we would love a lot more, especially things like mustard sandwiches; and we would live a lot more because marijuana cures all of those diseases. It may not especially help us to not spill oil, but when I smoke pot the ghosts that usually harass me and tell me to commit acts of violence, chill out and go sit in the corner and read Dr. Seuss books. It makes me jealous because I wish I could read.

Use alternative energy. If we did this then we wouldn't need oil or the evil ghosts that accompany it. People use a lot of windmills and turbines and things to harness naturally occurring energy sources. One thing that I would invent is a punching bag generator. The way it would work is that you pour oil into the spout at the top and then punch the punching bag until the oil turns into wind. I know it's a little far-fetched, but we're talking about the future. We have the technology, all we need is the courage.

There you go my courageous oil spillers. Keep your gullets clean and your ghosts buried far beneath the sea. Until next time, I'll be stealing mustard packets from the Dairy Queen to feed to my pet cat, Bleedy.

Hot Rod's Guide to Earth Day


By Hot Rod 


Welcome to spring everybody! I know that God’s spring started about a month ago, but for me spring doesn’t officially start until Earth Day because God lives in outer space where it gets warm earlier, but in Iowa sometimes it still snows in April. And one time Barack Obama came to Iowa City on Earth Day and it was really nice out and the girls were nicer to me that day so that’s when I decided to start celebrating spring on Earth Day.

Now that’s out of the way we can talk about what Earth Day really means. For me Earth Day is about 5 things:

Throwing trash in the trash can – Today you’ve gotta throw all of your garbage in the trash can, even cigarette butts and freezie pop wrappers. I know you normally like to stick um in your bottom drawer because you like the smell they make together after the drawer is full, but today you’ve gotta put the Earth first. Just throw um away, sucker.

Not taking a shower – In the world there is only seven oceans' worth of water. I have read that within the next 12 weeks we may get down to three, and two of them will be Russian. We can’t let that happen so don’t take a shower today. We all know that when you take a shower the water mixes with your sweat to make oil. This oil turns into gasoline after it mixes with dinosaur bones, never to become water again. So this way you will be saving the Earth’s water and keeping America energy independent by stopping some Middle East guy’s gasoline for the day.

Playing Frisbee Golf – The Earth likes it when you’re active and respectful of life. The easiest way to be active is to play Frisbee golf, because you don’t have to move that much. It’s like taking a walk but stopping every few blocks to smoke marijuana. My mom smoked all my marijuana and sold by Frisbee golf discs to the sports resale shop, so I’ll just sit on a bench smoking cigarettes and watch you play.

Listening to hippie music – I know it is gonna be hard to resist your urge to rock, but dude you gotta do it. It’s just one day a year and it saves the Earth like a dozen goats that would otherwise be sacrificed during the song 'South of Heaven' by Slayer. Not all hippie music has to be from the Lion King, in fact a plurality of it is not. I heard the word plurality at the doctor’s office, but the doctor explained what it meant and that he actually said I had pleurisy. Some hippie bands that are good include the Grateful Dead, Bob Marley, and Candlebox. One fun fact that you might not know – George Washington our founding father himself was a hippie. He used to smoke pot with his slaves because they were cool and taller than him. After they smoked he would free-style rap with them and let them take a half hour break before he remembered to send them back to the fields.

Eating candy – People all over the world don’t have enough to eat. If we take just one day a year and eat nothing but candy, we could feed all of Russia with the real food that we save. Plus real food comes from the Earth so when we eat it we are depleting our natural resources. Candy generally comes from the Easter Bunny and you’ve still probably got some left in your basket. Come on folks! Eat that stale chocolate egg and do your part for human-and-Earth-kind.

So there you have it, celebrate Earth Day in style with five easy steps. It may not stop global warming, or it may help it, I don’t remember if it’s bad or good. Whichever thing it is, Earth Day will help that thing be more the way it should be. George Bush used to say, ‘Either you celebrate Earth Day, or you’re a terrorist.’ I like to blow stuff up but I’m scared of caves. Plus any holiday is good excuse to chase stray cats over by the railyard. Watch out kitties, it’s Earth Day!! Happy Earth Day to all and to all a good night.

Hot Rod's Guide To: Polish Jokes


By Hot Rod 

How many Polish people did it take to screw in a lightbulb? A whole bunch because they never used a light bulb before!

What did the Polish grandmother say to the Polish grandchild? I can't hear you, I'm so old!!

What did the President of Poland do with his socks? He probably wore them on another part of his body other than his feet because Polish people have those wooden shoes!

Why is it that every time an airplane flies overhead Polish people are unimpressed? Because a lot of Polish people are pilots!

Why does the Polish girl have hair that's like one of those metal scrubbers? Because she's Polish!

Several Polish penguins showed up at the ice show. The ice show manager said, what do you think this is, the Arctic? They did.

How does a Polish person make a sandwich? Polish sausage!

What's the difference between a Polish person and another person. They're black!

What is the most favorite TV show in Poland? 'Lost' in Polish!

What is the capital of Poland? Germany, I think!

What language do they speak in Poland? They talk like that girl in the movie Nell because they live in the forest!

A nun, a bar-tender and a Polish person walk into the bar. The Polish person says to the nun and the bar-tender can I buy you a beer? "And the nun said NO! I'm a nun!" And the bar-tender said "NO! I work here!" The Polish person was just trying to be nice.

A Polish grandma went sky-diving. When she jumped out of the plane, she fell up!

How many nails does it take a Polish grandma to nail in a light bulb? A whole bunch because they don't have light bulbs in the forest and she wouldn't know when the bulb was done being nailed in!

A Polish nun walked into the bar and said, 'Who's Jesus?'

My friend was Polish, then he went to the dentist!

And that is how Polish-jokes are.

Good Morning Earth People


By Hot Rod 

Greetings. That is how aliens say 'Good Morning'. Since they don't know all the different countries on Earth they say 'greetings' to cover all the different ways people of Earth say hello. It's like how you're not supposed to say 'Merry Christmas' anymore but in reverse. Also, they hold one of their hands up like an Indian when they say it because Earth people love cowboy & Indian movies. Don't get any ideas, I'm no alien. But I do know what it takes to become one. Why do you think I bought all those Pez Dispensers when I broke into my mom's Ebay account? Well, she didn't believe me either. You'll see. Good morning.


Today's alien is: Creepy

Today's Savior is: The Lord

Today's news is: Interesting


Just kidding! I don't watch the news anymore. I used to watch it when Barack Obama was on, but then they kicked Paula off of American Idol. Instead I've been working on a novel. I'm gonna make it out of the metal scraps that I found by the train-yard. I love to play over by the train-yard because you can smoke tons of cigarettes and drink margarita mix, and sometimes you can find used condoms. Whoa baby, hubba hubba! But seriously kids, you got to wear a raincoat if you get rained on. That was a metaphor. I'm using it for my novel.

Today's raincoat is: Umbrella.

Today's sinus infection is: what the doctor says.

Today's novel is: A Fridge Too Far

Haha! That was a joke, too. A Fridge Too Far isn't a novel yet. I'm still making it out of all that scrap metal. I went to the doctor because I had a pain in my head and the doctor says it's a sinus infection. He doesn't know about the toothpicks I left stuck up my nose last weekend when we ate at T.G.I. Friday's. I had the Jack Daniel's Steak and it made me a little tipsy (plus I had been drinking Margarita mix earlier at the train-yard), and the next thing I know, I got 5 tooth picks stuck all the way up my nostrils. Mom told me the last time this happened that she'd take away my Pantera "Cowboys from Hell" DVD if I did it again. So now I got a sinus infection.

Today's medicine is: Amoxicillin

Today's X-Box is: racing game.

Today's prediction is: the future.

I Hope you all had a good morning. I know I did. Remember, living in the future is better than living in the past. My mom says that all the time when I ask her where my S.S.I. is.

Hot Rod's Guide To: Surprise Parties


By Hot Rod 

Surprise parties are the most fun of all parties except stripper parties. But surprise parties are free and the strippers know your mom and will rat you out for smoking cigarettes. There are five key ingredients to throwing a good surprise party. Once you have those, get them all together in one area and then this is what you do:


1. Put on the blindfold. People will really believe it’s a surprise if you’re surprised yourself. This way if you have a blindfold on you wont see the person coming into the party and they might even think you’re kidnapped, which would be even more surprising.


2. Leave the freezer pops on the kitchen table. You don’t have time to drink any juice from unfrozen freezer pops yet – you’re throwing a surprise party. Get your mind out of the gutter.


3. Buy lots of beer with the money you took. If you buy the beer with someone else’s money, you can’t get in trouble for having it by the cops. All you have to say is, “I am not in legal possession of this beverage or its container, your honor”. It’s like garlic to a vampire.


4. Turn up the White Snake as loud as the cassette player goes. It’s too hard to be quiet for a long time, especially if you’re listening to White Snake and you really want to shout “Rock and Roll!” The problem is that if you’re shouting about White Snake, and living life, then the person wont be surprised because they know how much White Snake rocks too. And they’ll know you’re there. If the music is all the way up then they will be confused – like maybe they’re walking into a scene from a horror movie. This is where the fake blood comes in.


5. You’ve already made five gallons of fake blood from ketchup and cat blood. It should be over there in the corner by the couch. When the person comes in, pour the bucket of fake blood all over the couch. This will be hard to do because you will be blind-folded, so you might want to practice beforehand with water or just cat blood. Once the couch is covered in fake blood, the surprise party has begun. At this point you can take off your blindfold, and get some unfrozen freezer pops from the kitchen.


6. If the person calls the police just tell the cops when they get there, “Surprise, your honor!” And the surprise party law goes into effect. They’ll leave you alone like holy water and vampires. My dad taught me about the law. He died in prison.


So how does it feel to have thrown a rockin’ surprise party? It’s kind of wet, I know. You can wear a garbage bag next time to keep you dry. Just make sure you empty out the garbage first because sometimes garbage is wet too. Remember kids – don’t try this at home! Unless you want to throw a surprise party, then you should do what I wrote. Surprise!

OYIT New Year's Resolutions


Tonight is New Year's Eve, the third most magical day in December (following Christmas and Boxing Day). Part of the magic of New Year's Eve is making, and then quickly breaking, resolutions. Though there was intense debate on if you release your resolutions before the "new year," the staff decided to list the five things we wanted to do differently in 2010. If you have a New Year's resolution of your own, please post it in the comment section or write it on a piece of paper and bury it in a nearby Jewish cemetery.

Jake 

  • Get 10,000 followers on Twitter and tell them what I ate for breakfast every day.

  • Read a book.

  • Watch every episode of Who's the Boss?

  • Write a script for a sitcom about a guy who opens a computer repair shop in the heart of Amish country.

  • Buy a new pair of sunglasses.

    Mikey

  • Eat at Arby's more than 102 times (my current record).

  • Remember my anniversary for once.

  • Play a video game with my son. I don't have to win, just not embarrass myself. Maybe I should practice.

  • Listen to at least one album that comes out in 2010. Hopefully Hootie is releasing a new one.

  • Eat less omelets and more frittatas.

    Maddie

  • Lose 200 pounds

  • Take and use one of the Hollywood Tan coupons the man on 6th Ave always tries to give me

  • Read every month's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine

  • Find a husband

  • Hate even MORE people/things for irrational reasons

    Glenn

  • Convince everyone I know that the end of the decade is one year from now, not today.

  • Become a pet owner in a desperate attempt to fill an emotional void in my life.

  • Chat online less, but with more people.

  • Don't gain one more pound from eating Sour Patch Kids, unless it's muscle.

  • Start my new gender reassignment cruise business.

    Bub

  • Kill something.

  • Read every month's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

  • Start a new dance craze - the whirling phlebotomist.

  • Pee on command.

  • Start a rival TV network to Oprah's channel that broadcasts everything on Oprah's channel but instead of the actual audio, the song 'I Like To Move It' will be played on a loop.

    Hot Rod

  • Kill something.

  • Be Jesus.

  • Turn Rock 'n' Roll into a candy.

  • Make a wife out of cigarettes.

  • Buy my mom something nice.

    Nate
  • I resolve to donate $100 to every Tea Party candidate running for Congress.

  • End don't Ask Don't Tell, close Gitmo, and end the War in Iraq by the end of the year.

  • I resolve to get into shape by swimsuit season.

  • I resolve to stop writing "Happy Birthday" on Facebook walls.

  • I resolve to build a better Build-A-Bear.

  • I resolve to end my fingernail chewing habit by carrying finger nail clippers with me wherever I go.

  • I resolve to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies in the US by 0.913% by getting a vasectomy.

    • Good Morning Sometime

    By Hot Rod 


    Good Morning

    Morning is the time when the Lord whispers into the moon's ears and then sets it on fire. In a far off land it's 5 o'clock somewhere I heard in a song. That means that those people got up really early to go to the beach. Which reminds me, how much wood does a wood chuck? Get it?! Good morning.

    Today's chocolate is: candy bar.

    Today's Rock and Roll is: awesome.

    Today's tears are: sad.

    I got good Christmas gifts for the holidays. I hope you did too. If not Santa Claus must've seen you that time when we peed off the balcony. T.M.I.! T.M.I. is where you abbreviate words to letters to make it sound like you're a computer. I don't know how to use the computer so I abbreviate things to make up for it.

    Today's money is: broke.

    Today's milk is: refreshing.

    Today's Satan is: The Devil.

    I hope you have a Happy New Year today. I know New Year's is not today but what's to stop us from partying everyday? We'll smoke cigarettes and listen to Judas Priest. We can even drink the juice out of unfrozen freezer pops just like on the real New Year's. But don't tell Ma'! Or better yet, tell her and she can buy the freezer pops. I like the blue kind the best.

    Today's freezer pop: red.

    I know it's not as good as blue but that's what they said about the Lord and he showed them by setting the moon on fire. I don't think a blue freezer pop could ever do that! But that wont stop us from trying. Never give up, children. No matter what they tell you you have to persevere. That means to learn how to ride a horse. Which reminds me, orange you glad I didn't say banana? I know I am.

    Good morning.