The Bayside Gang's First Day of School

By Jake 

I'd like to take it back to the very beginning-- the first day of school. A new student emerges and turns Bayside High on its head. A.C. Slater, the all-star athlete and ARMY brat, seems to have it in for young Zack Morris. Does Zack have what it takes to remain Bayside's number one man or is Slater the new king of the 'Side?

The Players
Zack Morris
A.C. Slater
Lisa Turtle
Kelly Kapowski
Jessie Spano
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Mr. Richard Belding
Mr. Dewey
Ms. Simpson

Zack rolls out of bed for the first day of school and shocks us: he doesn't mind that he has to go to school today. Why? He has a thing for Kelly Kapowski and he'll get to see her every day for the rest of the school year. He even has a life-size poster of her on his wall. Remember, this was back in the 1990s when that sort of thing wasn't as creepy.

The hallways are filled with people hugging and skateboarding. Jessie has the best teachers and Zack is bummed because he only has one lunch period. Mr. Belding immediately butts heads with Zack, calling him his nightmare. Zack sucks up to him to get him off his back.

Lisa's locker is surrounded by nerds, so she begs Zack to find her a new one. Zack barters with her and for compensation she will do his Spanish homework for a week. Zack might end up being a week behind in knowledge of the Spanish language, but his hustle is a full grade above the rest of his class.

Zack introduces himself to the new kid, and the new kid says his name Roger Rabbit (a popular movie character at the time). He's actually the legendary high school hunk A.C. Slater. Zack immediately tries to trade him his locker next to the girls bathroom, but Slater is more interested in having a locker inside the girls bathroom. He must be into the smell of women's feces and urine. Then Kelly shows up and introduces herself to Slater. Zack tells Slater that Kelly has leprosy, but he doesn't care. Slater loves the smell of a bathroom and women with leprosy. This guy is operating at a fetish level that even the internet can't handle. Zack's lifelong best friend Screech shows up. He tells Screech that he has to share his locker with him. Screech is happy and excited to do so.

In Mr. Dewey's Algebra class, Zack attempts to persuade Jessie to trade him seats so he can sit next to Kelly. She refuses so he calls Lisa over. He tells her that she has a new locker waiting for her right next to the boys bathroom and she is so excited that she says she'll do his Spanish for three weeks! Zack instead makes her give up her seat next to Kelly. Hustle Zack, hustle. Slater is stuck next to Screech. Class begins. Slater tells Mr. Dewey that he's blind in one eye and soon Zack is sitting next to Screech and Slater is next to Kapowski. Screech tells Zack that he can't share lockers with him because Slater will kill him. Slater is out hustling Zack, which is a very rare occurrence.

Lisa, Zack and Jessie are eating an off campus lunch at the Max. The restaurateur Max waits on them and does some magic tricks (making fake flowers appear, followed by the fake bunny in the coat gag). Kelly is dining there too. Max asks Zack to take a Coke over to Kelly because he's either a matchmaker or really lazy, at the very least he's an awful magician. Kelly didn't even order a Coke! Zack takes a seat at her table and Kelly tells him about her summer at volleyball camp. Just as Zack is working up the courage to ask her out, Slater sits down.

Back at Bayside Zack warns us that he's not bad, but he's about to do something very desperate. Screech starts "choking" and Kelly gives him the Heimlich maneuver. Kelly is late for class and gets detention. Zack and Lisa have a class with Ms. Simpson who is very hard of hearing. Zack is trying so desperately to get in trouble, but the teacher keeps mishearing him and thinks he's giving correct answers. Ms. Simpson finally sends Zack to Belding's office after he throws his book onto the ground in the ultimate act of disrespect to William Shakespeare.

To illustrate to us Mr. Belding's crippling Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Zack moves an object on Belding's desk only to have Belding immediately notice it. Mr. Belding is not going to give Zack detention, instead he's going to give Zack guidance, much to Zack's chagrin. Zack finds Belding's Achilles's heel, his pencils. As Zack walks around his office picking things up, Belding is losing his grip on sanity. He finally gives him detention after he knocks his Principal of the Year award on the ground.

As Zack enters detention he is stunned. Slater is there, but Kelly is not. Mr. Belding let her off after he found out she saved Screech's life. Zack pleads with Slater to not go after Kelly, but Slater could care less about what he has to say. Slater tells Zack that he has transferred schools so many times because his dad is in the ARMY. Zack asks Slater for a team-up but is turned down. Zack sharpens a pencil and addresses us, telling us this isn't quite how he wanted the day to go, as the first episode comes to a close.

Many of us can relate to being the new kid in school like A.C. Slater was in this episode. It's a very difficult situation to face, especially in high school. Slater handles it with more class and dignity than any of us could ever imagine doing ourselves. Slater is the alpha male and he proves it with spades in this episode. Zack is getting a run for his money, and I mean that only figuratively, because his family is way richer than Slater's family.


  1. This is so great. I fucking love these SBTB articles.

  2. Ha! This was fantastic. Way to be, Jake!!! (I had to put the comment in that last sentence or it would have been decidedly less hip)

  3. If you like Saved by the Bell, why not read quality SBTB ebooks? Take a look what you will find on "Screech Tells All" Lisa Turtle, a beautiful African-American teen, loved good looking boys and expensive clothing, but she herself was not sure as to which one she preferred most. She was easily the wealthiest of all of her friends in Bayside High, but sometimes she did not feel as though she was reaping the rewards of her good fortune. It was Sunday afternoon, and all of her friends, although poorer than she, were at the beach soaking up some rays and drinking colas, while she was stuck in the hospital emptying foul smelling bedpans and handing out magazines. Continued


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