Showing posts with label saved by the bell recap. Show all posts
Showing posts with label saved by the bell recap. Show all posts

Saved by the Bell: The Lisa Card

By Jake

Episode 6315: “The Lisa Card”

First of all, let us briefly discuss the title of this episode.  Is it a reference to playing the race card?  Lisa is the only African-American person that regularly appears on this program.  “The Lisa Card” could be a pun of “Visa card,” but who puts the article “the” in front of it?  Do you go to a store and the clerk says, “I’m sorry, sir/miss, but we do not accept the Visa card here”?  Maybe they did refer to it as such back in the early 90s when this episode was dreamed up by the scribe Tom Tenowich.



The Players
Lisa Turtle
Zack Morris
AC Slater
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Kelly Kapowski
Lisa Turtle
Jessica Spano
Miss Wentworth
Principal Richard Belding
Max

Screech and Slater are hanging out at The Max, as they are apt to do.  It is report card day.  Zack runs through the grades of Bayside’s favorite ladies: Jesse got all A’s, Kelly has B’s and Lisa made honor roll.  Her father gave her his credit card to go to the mall.  Zack, if you hadn’t guessed, got bad grades because he’s an underachiever.

Jesse complains about being called a “chick” by her meat-headed boy toy, Slater. She is not an animal, she is a human being.

Max does a terrible magic trick to reveal Lisa’s new ensemble.  It is quite expensive, from a early 90s point of view.  Kelly tells Lisa to add up all of her reciepts.  She spent $386!  She could have gone to see “The Three Musketeers” in the theater and got a large popcorn for that price. 

The gang tells Lisa to return her clothes, but the store will not let her return the sales items.  Lisa is going to run away, but Zack tells her to just deny it and enjoy the ride.  Sound advice. Jesse and Kelly tell her to just be honest and own up to it.  Lisa goes into a fantasy about telling her father the bad news.  He calls her the worst daughter of all and then she turns into a punk for some reason.  And Screech is the grim reaper--not in the dream sequence, just a general note.

Lisa and Zack have a scheme: they’re going to hold a raffle.  They’re in Miss Wentworth’s biology class.  Slater asks why birds aren’t attracted to horses and she says they are and she writhes around semi-erotically on her desk.  Some kid kisses Lisa for some cash.  Lisa is a whore.  The actress who plays the teacher must have been starving because she ate the ever-loving shit out of the scenery.

Mr. Belding reminds the students of the charity clothing drive.  Keep this in mind, because it plays out soon.  This show has little to no fat. Then Belding does a bad impression of Elvis Presley.  Then it’s an earthquake drill and Screech attempts to get a kiss.  Lisa is mad at Zack for turning her out.

Zack sells Lisa’s clothes out of all of the lockers.  How did he get into every locker to put the clothes there?  He has an automatic door opener, obviously.  Screech buys some lingerie.  Some twins buy some cowboy boots for $10.  Rocco buys a Tina Turner wig, no questions asked.  He’s a transgendered individual.

Slater asks Mr. Belding if he likes the dress he’s holding in order to distract him.  Belding says it’s nice and Slater tells him that he wants to wear it to school.  Belding takes Slater to his office.  Slater says he doesn’t know who he is anymore.  Belding can relate to Slater trying to attract women.  Belding went to the prom with his sister and his first real date was in the ARMY with an enemy combatant.
 Zack brings out Kelly is in a bikini, but she’s like 15 so it’s kind of creepy to me.  To the boys of Bayside it is perfectly reasonable pre-internet porn masturbation fodder. Belding says that the Viet Cong girl he was dating dumped him after the war.  Then he met his lovely wife while he was drowning.  Slater can no longer distract Mr. Belding.  He catches Zack and Screech selling off Lisa’s clothing.  He thinks they’re for the charity drive.
 They made $53 selling Lisa’s clothes.  Now Lisa is a terrible server at The Max.  She is yells at all of the customers.  Slater is going to show her how to do it, by which I mean he is throwing away the customers’ food the second they receive it.  Lisa made $37 in tips in three hours.  Jesse can’t believe it.  I’ve made triple that before in three hours waiting tables.  Jesse is an idiot.
 Zack comes clean about Lisa’s clothes.  Lisa laughs hysterically.  She has hit her rock bottom, at least until the episode where she becomes a whore--which is THIS episode!  Lisa decides to tell her father the truth finally.

Dr. Turtle quickly forgives Lisa and wants to take her to the Sizzler.  She can’t believe it!  She wants her dad to punish her, but he doesn’t want to.  So he finally decides she needs to keep her job until she pays him back.  Zack and the gang come in and give her $83 to help her pay back the debt, but she refuses it.  Then Zack does a commercial parody for the titular “The Lisa Card.”
 A terrible episode.

The End.

Saved by the Bell: Dancing to the Max

By Jake 

Episode 6318: Dancing to the Max



The Players
Zack Morris
AC Slater
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Kelly Kapowski
Lisa Turtle
Jessica Spano
Byron
Music Teacher
Principal Richard Belding

A group of kids dance at The Max. Max turns off the music, does some magic and announces a huge Casey Kasem sponsored dance contest. Zack and Kelly are a natural fit, but Slater supposedly is the best dancer. As we all know, Zack was learned how to dance in the episode "Save the Last Dance for Me" of “Good Morning, Miss Bliss.” Yet, he still does not know how to dance. I guess this episode or the episode of “Good Morning, Miss Bliss” was not canon. He challenges Slater to a dance off. Screech asks Lisa on a dance date. Danny asks Jesse out on a kissing date, but he’s too short.

In the girls locker room, Jesse is too tall. She has grown an inch since lunch. I fucking hate Jesse right now, but will love her by the end. She is embarrassed about her height. This is a feeling of which I am all too aware.

In music class, Zack teases the teacher about the status of Beethoven’s death. The teacher responds with a very droll music pun. Unfortunately, poor Mrs. Wickham got her head stuck in a tuba so he has to teach two music classes simultaneously. Slater suggests that "Fat" Tommy should blow her out of it, which the teacher thinks is a good idea. They play some Bach and the teacher leaves the room and all of a sudden the classes are really good at playing their instruments, this is like a musical version of Mannequin. This scene continues to last 100 years. The teacher leaves again and Jesse dances.

Zack goes to Jesse to learn how to dance. He is sickened by the thought of Kelly and Slater having their names on a trophy together. Zack shows his moves to Jesse and she suggests he goes with Screech.

Casey Kasem goes to Mr. Belding to discuss the dance party. Belding offers his services as a co-host and then shows off his unreal twisting abilities. Kasem wants a school banner.

Screech dances with a real doll in the halls of Bayside. He asks Lisa to the dance again, but she has a date. Kelly wants the dance off to happen immediately.

Jesse is teaching Zack how to dance and unleashes her top-secret dance move. She tells him about attending dance camp as a child. Jesse fantasizes about how tall she is--too tall to dance! Zack makes a rain joke then compares her to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Screech and Slater are hanging out in the locker room. They discuss Screech’s crush on Lisa. Slater thinks Screech is being too hard on himself and consoles him, but stops when a dude sees them because he might think they are fags (Slater’s words, not mine).

Jesse and Zack continue to dance and Zack is about the same height as Jesse. What a dumb bitch!

Lisa shows up to school in a leg brace. Byron breaks their dance date. The gang is upset. Kelly busts out a boombox and wants this dance-off to happen right now. Zack tells her to go to hell, he wants to go with Jesse instead.

Time for the dance-off. Max is working with props. He introduces Casey Kasem, who in turn introduces Mr. Belding, who presents him with a school banner. We skip to the finals. It’s Kelly and Slater (they get a 95) vs. Zack and Jesse (a 90) vs. Screech and Lisa (a 100!!! ). It’s very convenient that all of our favorite Bayside students are the finalists, isn’t it? I think the voting was rigged. Screech and Lisa win and Byron probably feels like a piece of shit, because he is a piece of shit!

THE END

Saved by the Bell: The Gift

By Jake

Episode 6314: The Gift

The Players
Zack Morris
AC Slater
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Kelly Kapowski
Lisa Turtle
Jessica Spano
Principal Richard Belding
George "Terrible" Testaverde

As always, the hallways of Bayside High are filled with very late 80s surfer types. Zack enters, sliding down the railing for the stairs. This is a very dangerous stunt that could have potentially ended horrifically, but thankfully did not. He slides safely to the floor. He gestures us over to his locker. He gives us his list of the three worst things that could happen to a kid: measels, mumps and midterms. What about getting molested by a priest? Too topical, Zack?

It is midterm time at Bayside. Zack pulls a prank on the students, which also serves as a demonstration to us. Every time he says the name "Terrible Testaverde," the entire student body shrieks in horror.

Due to the test, Lisa is a stress eater. Jessie is nervous about getting a grade lower than an "A." Slater challenges Zack to a game of water balloon target practise, but Screech is the target. Zack is unable to throw the balloon at his best male friend--Jessie is his best friend--and loses his watch. Then they switch the game to "Guess Who is Coming Down the Steps Next," which is an old-time favorite beloved by all. Slater wagers his bomber jacket against Zack's radio that it will be Kelly Kapowski. Slater wins, but he rigged the contest by stealing Kelly's shoes and making her late for volleyball practise. Slater is a fair low-stakes grifter.

At Zack's house, Zack is putting on a pirate radio show as the beloved singer Elvis Presley. While Screech is disconnecting the antennae, he is struck by lightning. He then shows glimmers of clairvoyance. We then see several more instancesof this the next day at school. Zack is excited. I mean, he is really excited--to nearly an uncomfortable degree. I don't know if he is hard, but I would not be surprised and the ladies would love it.

In Mr. Testaverde's class. He is lecturing and speaks incredibly fast, like Krazie Bone from Bone Thugs n Harmony. He is played by John Moschitta, the "Micro-Machines Guy."

In the girls locker room, Kelly, Lisa and Jessie are the only ones getting ready for gym class. I guess they are in one of those special gym classes for only three people. I was in that one semester in high school, but it was held in the gym teacher's van not in a gymnasium.

Zack and Slater play another game of "Guess Who's Coming Down the Steps Next," and Zack wins with the help of Screech. This really takes the "cheaters never win" saying to task, since only cheaters win at this game. Maybe this is why this game is so popular in Californian high schools.

Screech and Belding do a classic comedy bit in which Screech answers questions by Belding a moment earlier than he says them. The audience goes crazy.

Zack gets Screech to give him the three questions that will be on Testaverde's test. You read that correctly, the questions and not the answers. Zack only cheats at "Guess Who's Coming Down the Steps Next." He only half-cheats on tests. Zack immediately makes another bet with Slater. Whoever gets the lowest test score becomes the slave of the person who gets the better grade.

Zack invites Kelly over to study. He wants to make it with her, but Jessie and Lisa barge in (through the window, of course). They want to know what questions are on the test. He gives it to them and then kicks them out so he can study, which is a very confusing way to end the scene. He goes from horny to zero in a matter of minutes, which is sort of like a keychain I once saw at Spencer's gifts.

As Zack studies, Screech comes in and shows Zack that his predictions are turning out to be less accurate and now he is unsure about the test questions. Zack freaks out and he calls Testaverde as Mr. Belding while Screech creates a commotion in the boy's bathroom, saying school is closed due to flooding. Then Zack calls Mr. Belding as Mr. Testaverde and tells him he's sick and to give the three questions Screech told him to study.

In Mr. Testaverde's class for the midterm test: Lisa threatens Zack with vomit, Slater hands Zack a list of slave chores and Jessie threatens Zack with dog piss. Mr. Belding enters the classroom and reads the three questions that Zack gave him. As the words leave Belding's lips, Testaverde busts in. He is ready to help with the plumbing problems Zack told him about. He even goes as far as to say that "plumbing is [his] hobby." Testaverde and Belding get into an argument of who called whom, but quickly realize it was Zack who called them both when his cellphone rings. Belding gives him detention and Testaverde gives the real questions.

The grades have been posted and Slater has beaten Zack. Screech got an 'A,' Kelly a 'C-' Lisa a 'D,' and Jessie a 'B.' Zack now has to be Slater's slave, which would have been a good plot for an episode!

Saved by the Bell: Cream for a Day

By Jake

Episode 6320: Cream for a Day

The Players
Zack Morris
AC Slater
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Kelly Kapowski
Lisa Turtle
Jessica Spano
Principal Richard Belding
Mr. Bennet
Charlie Coburn
Muffin Sangria
Susie Van Fike

It's Homecoming and the halls of Bayside are swelling with school spirit. Their game is against Valley, their arch rivals. Zack jokes that last year even Valley's band scored a touchdown against them. I believe that is against the rules, not that I know that much about football. Zack is probably being facetious and painting a picture of how terrible Bayside's football team truly is. They haven't beat Valley in 23 years.

Lisa and Jessie are hocking tiger tales. Zack and Slater join them to mock Valley and their accents. Zack attempts to help the girls by putting a tail on the back of a hat and placing it upon Slater's oily dome. Slater hates it and puts it on Zack. They leave and Kelly joins Lisa and Jessie. Kelly wants to be Homecoming queen. She's worried that people will find out she's wears a retainer at night, and Lisa says it really loud to ruin her chances at being crowned.

Screech and Zack are in chemistry class. Screech has a new zit he has named Murray. Lisa joins and is appropriately disgusted. Mr. Bennet is mad that Screech is sort of flirting with Lisa and threatens to fail them. Screech mixes some chemicals, and they explode in his face in a very humorous fashion. Trust me.

The gang is hanging out at the Max, sans Screech. Kelly asks Zack and Slater which way they like her hair. She loves pitting Bayside's hottest hunks against each other. Slater and Zack trade insults. Susie and Muffin walk in, and they're also competing for Homecoming queen. The boys try to build up Kelly's confidence, but she's not buying it.

Zack and Screech are in the hall. Screech's zit is gone and he's depressed. Zack deduces that the chemistry experiment that blew up in Screech's face is the cure for acne. Ever the capitalist, Zack can see the dollar signs in this miracle cream. Screech makes a Gorbachev blemish joke that will never get old. I would have went with Noriega. They decide to test this potential product out on the notorious Charlie "Craterface" Coburn. If they can clear his acne up then they will sell a million units, they figure.

Kelly has a pimple and Lisa and Jessie are trying to persuade her out of her bathroom. They tempt her with the sexy straight hunk George Michael's new video. She takes the bait and emerges. She goes into a fantasy sequence where Mr. Belding puts her down because she has a zit. She almost cries, but isn't a good enough actress. Kelly has some serious family issues and thinks the only way to get attention from her parents is by winning the school sanctioned beauty contest. I hate her parents.

Just as they convince Kelly that nobody will notice her small blemish, Screech approaches her and offers her some of his and Zack's wonder cream. Zack is hucking this product like he's a 1930s ointment salesman. He unveils Craterface's new look and everybody is desperate for some Zit-Off. Belding nabs Craterface and Zack and takes them to his office. Zack attempts to sell Belding on becoming an investor, but he's not biting, although he does try some when Zack and the newly dubbed "Babyface" leave.

Kelly approaches Zack to score some Zit-Off. Kelly offers any price, and Zack is probably going to get a hj. Just as Kelly walks away Screech joins Zack. His face is maroon. He theorizes that when the cream homogenizes it changes color. Screech even ran through a carwash trying to remove the stain off his skin to no avail.

Zack and Screech are looking for Kelly to warn her. Screech is dressed as a tiger. Kelly has already used the cream and her face has cleared up. Screech and Zack go back to Zack's house. Screech removes the tiger head and the maroon is gone. Zack is relieved that it's not permanent and hurries to Kelly's house to warn her. She is seriously pissed. Zack says that lately she's been acting like the only thing that matters is her looks, which further enrages her. She tells him to leave.

Slater is giving a speech at the pep rally. Jessie gives the homecoming queen results. Muffin Sangria comes in third, followed by Susie Van Fike. Kelly Kapowski is your Homecoming queen and now she can finally shut up...or can she? After all her face is stained maroon. Kelly thanks everybody for crowning her queen even though her face is maroon. I don't think queens get elected, they should change it to Homecoming madam president. Slater beatboxes while Kelly, Lisa and Jessie rap. Yes, that really happens and it's as amazing as it sounds. Belding has spots on his face from the Zit-Off. Kelly apologizes to Zack for being conceited.

By the way, Bayside won the big game because Valley was so afraid of their maroon faces. True story. Slater scored the only touchdown, in case you were curious. The End.

Saved by the Bell: Screech's Woman

By Jake

Episode 6313: Screech's Woman



The Players
Zack Morris
Samuel "Screech" Powers
A.C. Slater
Lisa Turtle
Jessica Spano
Kelly Kapowski
Sally Dunsky
Richard Belding
Max, the proprieter of The Max

Slater and Kelly are sitting together at The Max, a model volcano rests upon their table. Jessie tells Slater that they make a great team and they'll surely win the science fair. Yet, when it comes down to picking a name for the volcano, these two just cannot seem agree. Mount St. Jessie or Slater's Crater? Both a pretty weak names if you ask me. Slater pours too much vinegar into the volcano and it bubbles over causing them to flee the Max with Jessie complaining about lava stains on her clothes.

Zack smoothly enters. He walks up to Screech and tells him he's not going to do any work on their science project. Screech is basically thanking Zack for it. I can see why Zack is friends with Screech, even if Screech is one of the most annoying characters ever portrayed on television. Their science project is an electromagnetic aerial hymonopha (or something of that nature) detector. It makes Screech's canary fly into the wall.

Screech pines for Lisa and Kelly encourages him to ask her out on a date. Zack brings up the point that Einstein was never seen with a "chick." As Screech approaches Lisa with arms outstretched another, blacker gentleman swoops in. Screech cannot figure out why girls don't like him. His theory: he's snake spit. My theory: he's incredibly annoying.

At Screech's house, Screech mopes in a beanbag chair. Zack is going to set Screech up and teach him how to make the ladies love him. He feeds him so corny lines and gets fed up very quickly with Screech's back talk.

Back at Bayside, Screech hits on Sally Dunsky and falls into a trash can. She's fairly angry at his come-ons. He then asks her if she knows that worms are a good source of protein and then accidentally fumbles one of Zack's lines into an insult. Way to go Samuel. For a guy with the last name Powers, he sure is a weak nerd. Screech hides in his locker and Zack says he has somebody who might be perfect for him-- Jessie. Give me a break, Jessie is the shallowest character on this show. Zack builds Screech up to her and then tells her who his friend is and she sort of pukes in her own mouth. Zack tells Screech that at 3:30 at the payphone his mystery woman will call him.

As we come back from a commercial break, we see Slater on the payphone. If he's on the phone then how will Screech receive his phone call? There is just so much intrigue in this episode. Screech threatens Slater. Slater asks why this call is so important and is shocked when he finds out it's from a girl. Slater offers some advice and leaves.

Mr. Belding enters a bathroom stall with a newspaper.

The phone rings. Screech moves like lightning to answer it. He sprays banaca into his mouth, yet it's a phone call. How hilarious. Zack enters the bathroom speaking like a lady on his cellular telephone (it's as big as a brick). He says his name is Bambi. Mr. Belding is very confused and is answering back to Zack's love talk aimed at Screech. Zack leaves as Belding goes on a diatribe about how the restroom is the one door that education shouldn't open. Slater enters. Belding continues to prattle on and is then embarrassed by Slater. The audience giggles at the toilet flushing. Belding is flummoxed and vows to never go to the bathroom again.

In class, Screech tells Zack about his chat with Bambi the previous night. Lisa enters and Screech proclaims himself taken to her, to which she rolls her eyes. Zack says that Screech cannot meet Bambi because she's having an identity crisis. He feels pretty badly about it. Screech has chained himself to a locker to demonstrate his love for Bambi. He can't eat, sleep or do science projects. The last one particularly piques the interest of young Morris.

In Belding's office, Belding has a heart-to-heart with Screech. Screech still has a pair of lockers attached to his wrist. When Screech says his lady friend is Bambi, Belding's interest is raised tenfold due to the bathroom incident. Belding calls Zack into his office. Kelly goes into Belding's office to use her locker and leaves. Belding demands that he presents Bambi to Screech at The Max this afternoon or else.

At the Morris household, Zack is pacing as Lisa and Jessie enter his room. They're going to make Zack look like a lady. This is the sort of logic one jumps to in a sitcom or because they're having issues with their sexual or gender identity. Jessie wants Zack to shave his legs, which he obliges.

At The Max, Screech goes to his table and Max does some truly terrible magic (as usual). Lisa and Jessie take a pair of seats to watch. Some homosexual hits on Zack as he enters. He walks over to Screech's table and is presented with some fake flowers (a gift from Max). Screech introduces Slater to Bambi. Screech goes to get Kelly to introduce her and Slater tells "Bambi" that Screech has good taste. Zack slaps him lightly and calls him fresh (in a bad way, somehow). Slater instantly recognizes that it's Zack and tells him that he has nice legs. Kelly recognizes Bambi from somewhere, perhaps Brownies. Slater wants Screech to kiss Bambi to show Lisa how over her he is. Zack/Bambi lays down his rules for dating instead: shave his birds, straighten his hair and dye it blond and get rid of that no good Zack Morris. Screech thinks it over, but politely declines and leaves to finish their science project. Kelly invites Bambi to the ladies room, as Zack is getting up to go Jessie grabs him and tells him to freeze. Classic. The End.

Saved by the Bell: Fatal Distraction

By Jake

Episode 6312: Fatal Distraction

Now that Slater has settled into Bayside, let's see what Zack, Kelly and the rest of the gang are up to. This is the second episode if you go by production code, which, of coure, I do.

The Players:
Zack Morris
Kelly Kapowski
Lisa Turtle
A.C. Slater
Jessie Spano
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Richard Belding
Rhonda Robistelli
Max

The halls of Bayside are littered with bustling California teens. A banner hangs above their heads, "Girls Choice Dance," it reads. Zack walks over to his locker dressed as-- in an attempt to stir up controversy with the Middle East-- a shiek. He is incognito due to the big Girls Choice Dance. He doesn't want any girls asking him until Kelly gets a chance. He may want to go with Kelly, but so does Slater. The choice is up to Kelly! Rhonda Robistelli, the holder of the school shot-put record, also gets a choice and she's after Zackie.

Zack brings a stack of magazines to Lisa as a trade for her knowledge of who Kelly is going to the dance with. She reads a poll she took, which is hardly scientific. She should have just asked Kelly. Zack offers Lisa his Bon Jovi tickets and she tells him that Kelly is going with Zack...or Slater. Zack takes his tickets off the table.

At the Max, Lisa, Jessie, Slater and Zack are chewing the fat over some Max-burgers. We find out about Jessie's big slumber party, which Kelly will be attending. Zack wonders if a slumber party is a place where girls spill their guts. It is! Lisa and Jessie say they will not tell Slater and Zack who Kelly is taking to the dance because it would be an invasion of her privacy. I wonder if Kelly would even care. Max brings Zack a shake and does a couple of awful magic tricks. Rhonda is still chasing Zack. Rhonda is at least more attractive than Jessie, plus I bet she likes rough sex.

Zack and Screech are in Jessie's bedroom hiding a bug. Let's call it Slumbergate. Jessie is heading to her room, so Zack and Screech hide under her bed. Luckily she leaves before she can see Zack emerge from under her bed with stockings on his head. Zack and Screech are back at Zack's house listening to the girls gossip. They're eating pizza and Lisa says something about pepperoni, which triggers a fantasy sequence for Screech. One girl wonders why God created boys, and Jessie says it was so they could have something to talk about at slumber parties. Jessie's view of Christianity is a bit askew, don't you think? Kelly says she's going to take Zack to the dance. Zack cheers and the girls hear him. He tries to cover it up by acting like he's watching the Lakers, but Kelly is a huge fan of James Worthy and knows there is no game that night. This leads to Jessie finding the bug.

Zack and Screech are trying to fix the tape machine. Lisa finds the violation of their privacy romantic. Kelly wants to get back. They pretend to play a game where they take turns telling their darkest secret. I don't know what it's called, maybe Secret Roullette. Lisa's is shoplifting. Kelly's is that she's abusive to her boyfriends. Jessie is the worst actor in all of Bayside. She keeps saying stuff like "Whoa really?" in a very exagerated way. Regardless, Zack is completely freaked out. Screech then references GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling).

Back in the halls of Bayside, Screech is dressed like Michael Jackson because Lisa said MJ was her ideal man at the slumber party. Lisa freaks out and threatens Screech. Jessie and Zack are talking about Kelly. Jessie does some more awful acting and tells Zack that she doesn't want to see him hurt and kisses him goodbye. Slater rolls in on a wheelchair. He tells Zack that Kelly put him in the chair. Zack doesn't believe it, but Slater convinces him. He's a much better actor than Jessie, which is why Mario Lopez is still a household name.

Zack is in Belding's office looking through the school records to make sure that Kelly is crazy. He sees that Kelly was in a home for the criminally insance. Belding walks in and Zack begs for help. Mr. Belding laughs hysterically and mocks Zack at the thought of Kelly being able to hurt him. Belding tries to put Zack at ease, but instead makes him more freaked out.

A note is being passed to Zack, it's from Kelly and it says "you can run but you can't hide." The bell rings. Lisa knocks the books out of Zack's hand, leaving him alone in the classroom with Kelly. Zack asks the audience to call 911, which I did. The operator was livid. Kelly is wiedling a baseball bat. She backs Zack up against the wall. He tries to escape, but the door is locked. Kelly's pants are up to her ribs. She's getting a headache. Zack escapes and says that he already has a date.

The dance is at the Max for some reason. I'm guessing they hadn't built a gym set. Zack is dancing with Rhonda. So in the end Zack does go with Rhonda. Kelly gives Zack the bug, and Lisa and Jessie also come clean about the fake mental institution diploma. Zack asks Kelly if she was going to take him to the dance and she says "you'll never know." Rhonda invites Zack over to her house for some premarital sex. Zack says he has to get home and Rhonda lays a huge french-style kiss on him. The End.

The Bayside Gang's First Day of School

By Jake 

I'd like to take it back to the very beginning-- the first day of school. A new student emerges and turns Bayside High on its head. A.C. Slater, the all-star athlete and ARMY brat, seems to have it in for young Zack Morris. Does Zack have what it takes to remain Bayside's number one man or is Slater the new king of the 'Side?

The Players
Zack Morris
A.C. Slater
Lisa Turtle
Kelly Kapowski
Jessie Spano
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Max
Mr. Richard Belding
Mr. Dewey
Ms. Simpson

Zack rolls out of bed for the first day of school and shocks us: he doesn't mind that he has to go to school today. Why? He has a thing for Kelly Kapowski and he'll get to see her every day for the rest of the school year. He even has a life-size poster of her on his wall. Remember, this was back in the 1990s when that sort of thing wasn't as creepy.

The hallways are filled with people hugging and skateboarding. Jessie has the best teachers and Zack is bummed because he only has one lunch period. Mr. Belding immediately butts heads with Zack, calling him his nightmare. Zack sucks up to him to get him off his back.

Lisa's locker is surrounded by nerds, so she begs Zack to find her a new one. Zack barters with her and for compensation she will do his Spanish homework for a week. Zack might end up being a week behind in knowledge of the Spanish language, but his hustle is a full grade above the rest of his class.

Zack introduces himself to the new kid, and the new kid says his name Roger Rabbit (a popular movie character at the time). He's actually the legendary high school hunk A.C. Slater. Zack immediately tries to trade him his locker next to the girls bathroom, but Slater is more interested in having a locker inside the girls bathroom. He must be into the smell of women's feces and urine. Then Kelly shows up and introduces herself to Slater. Zack tells Slater that Kelly has leprosy, but he doesn't care. Slater loves the smell of a bathroom and women with leprosy. This guy is operating at a fetish level that even the internet can't handle. Zack's lifelong best friend Screech shows up. He tells Screech that he has to share his locker with him. Screech is happy and excited to do so.

In Mr. Dewey's Algebra class, Zack attempts to persuade Jessie to trade him seats so he can sit next to Kelly. She refuses so he calls Lisa over. He tells her that she has a new locker waiting for her right next to the boys bathroom and she is so excited that she says she'll do his Spanish for three weeks! Zack instead makes her give up her seat next to Kelly. Hustle Zack, hustle. Slater is stuck next to Screech. Class begins. Slater tells Mr. Dewey that he's blind in one eye and soon Zack is sitting next to Screech and Slater is next to Kapowski. Screech tells Zack that he can't share lockers with him because Slater will kill him. Slater is out hustling Zack, which is a very rare occurrence.

Lisa, Zack and Jessie are eating an off campus lunch at the Max. The restaurateur Max waits on them and does some magic tricks (making fake flowers appear, followed by the fake bunny in the coat gag). Kelly is dining there too. Max asks Zack to take a Coke over to Kelly because he's either a matchmaker or really lazy, at the very least he's an awful magician. Kelly didn't even order a Coke! Zack takes a seat at her table and Kelly tells him about her summer at volleyball camp. Just as Zack is working up the courage to ask her out, Slater sits down.

Back at Bayside Zack warns us that he's not bad, but he's about to do something very desperate. Screech starts "choking" and Kelly gives him the Heimlich maneuver. Kelly is late for class and gets detention. Zack and Lisa have a class with Ms. Simpson who is very hard of hearing. Zack is trying so desperately to get in trouble, but the teacher keeps mishearing him and thinks he's giving correct answers. Ms. Simpson finally sends Zack to Belding's office after he throws his book onto the ground in the ultimate act of disrespect to William Shakespeare.

To illustrate to us Mr. Belding's crippling Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Zack moves an object on Belding's desk only to have Belding immediately notice it. Mr. Belding is not going to give Zack detention, instead he's going to give Zack guidance, much to Zack's chagrin. Zack finds Belding's Achilles's heel, his pencils. As Zack walks around his office picking things up, Belding is losing his grip on sanity. He finally gives him detention after he knocks his Principal of the Year award on the ground.

As Zack enters detention he is stunned. Slater is there, but Kelly is not. Mr. Belding let her off after he found out she saved Screech's life. Zack pleads with Slater to not go after Kelly, but Slater could care less about what he has to say. Slater tells Zack that he has transferred schools so many times because his dad is in the ARMY. Zack asks Slater for a team-up but is turned down. Zack sharpens a pencil and addresses us, telling us this isn't quite how he wanted the day to go, as the first episode comes to a close.

Many of us can relate to being the new kid in school like A.C. Slater was in this episode. It's a very difficult situation to face, especially in high school. Slater handles it with more class and dignity than any of us could ever imagine doing ourselves. Slater is the alpha male and he proves it with spades in this episode. Zack is getting a run for his money, and I mean that only figuratively, because his family is way richer than Slater's family.

The Tragic Break-up of Zack & Kelly

By Jake



This is the story of how Zack and Kelly went from Bayside High School's hottest couple, to a mere afterthought. It's also the story of how many of us who grew up with the show lost our innocence. When Kelly left Zack, it was like when my mother left my father. When Kelly started dating Jeff Hunter it was like when my mother got remarried to a handsome college man. When Zack met Danielle Gordon, it was like when my father met a woman with a flat tire and ended up having an illegitimate child.

The players:
Jeff Hunter
Zack Morris
Kelly Kapowski
Lisa Turtle
A.C. Slater
Jessie Spano
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Richard Belding
Danielle Gordon

Season 3, Episode 1: "The Last Dance"

Zack and Kelly are planning on going to a costume ball. The problem being that Kelly is poor and can't afford to buy her Juliet costume. Zack could easily afford to pay for her costume, but I feel like Kelly might have too much pride. Pride is a deadly sin, Kelly; but Zack, so is greed. With two of the seven deadly sins being committed within the first three minutes of the episode we know that we're in for a rough, emotional ride.

On Kelly's first day of work she encounters a couple of punks on a date. She screws up their order and is even willing to pay for her mix-up with her tips. Jeff has other plans. He tells the couple that the customer is not always right (only in this case). He is clearly interested in Kelly for more than having a quality employee with seemingly good morals. He is committing the deadly sin of lust. I think most of us are committing this sin when we see Tiffani-Amber Thiessen.

Screech tries to get his supposed friend, Kelly, to buy his lunch for him. Screech, as we may or may not know, is rich like Zack. Zack forces Screech to order a milk and Screech talks up Kelly. This would be a minor detail if not for Jeff. He asks Kelly if they are her friends, to which she replies 'Yes, they are just trying to make me look good.' Jeff tells her that she doesn't need help looking good. Kelly gives a look to signify that her pussy is frothing like a dog with rabies. Besides my vulguar description of Kelly's wetness, something else should be noted: Kelly does not tell Mr. Hunter that Zack is her boyfriend.

Zack surprises Kelly with the Juliet costume. Zack was not being greedy earlier, rather he wanted to surprise her with the Shakespearean garb. She doesn't accept it. She can't ask for time off. Zack is understandably frustrated. Kelly needs to help her family out, and that is admirable. Although, I feel that she has ulterior motives. I know she does because I've seen this before, but bear with me readers.

Zack decides to ask Jeff for the night off for Kelly. A bad move, young Morris. Zack finds out that Kelly has not mentioned to the older, handsome manager that she has a boyfriend. Jeff shows flashing signs of envy, but it quickly turns to pride when Zack mentions that Kelly said he was a good guy. He's a shark, and Zack is going to be the chum(p) he eats.

At a get together with Lisa and Jessie, Kelly accidentally lets it slip that she thinks Jeff is hot. Obviously, Kelly. He is gorgeous. Lisa and Jessie remind Kelly that she has a boyfriend named Zack.

Jeff gives Kelly the night off. She asks if he will miss her, and he says of course. She tells him that he's the nicest guy she's met in a long time. They kiss. The audience 'oohs' at the sexuality of the situation. Kelly tells Jeff that she liked it. Really, Kelly? You liked kissing a handsome man? Weird. Kelly is now also experiencing lust, as defined by the (G-rated) adultery she is committing.

Kelly goes on her lunch break while the gang is there. She sits next to Zack, but is very uncomfortable when he puts his arm around her. Jessie and Lisa exchange a subtle knowing glance. Jessie is Zack's best and oldest friend. He climbs through her window like Sam on Clarissa Explains it All for Christ's sake. How dare Jessie not tell Zack. Shame on you Ms. Spano.

Meanwhile, the Zack Attack (the gang's band) are having trouble practicing for the costume ball. A.C. Slater assures Zack that he is the only guy for Kelly because she passed him over for Zack, showing signs of pride. Screech says something dumb, and then mentions that Jeff is good looking.

We cut to the ball. The Zack Attack performs.

Kelly is distracted. Zack wrote a song for her, but she can't think about anybody besides Jeff. Mr. Belding announces that Zack and Kelly are the king and queen of the ball. Zack calls her beautiful and she says, "Thanks Jeff." Uh oh. They go outside for a chat.

This is the big moment. Zack confronts Kelly about her feelings for Jeff. The relationship we all thought would last forever comes to a screaching halt. As they share a final dance and promise to be friends forever, our childhood innocence is shattered and we knew that our lives wouldn't turn out the way we wanted. Zack and Kelly's relationship is a microcosm for our dashed hopes and dreams. The notion that we could be anything we wanted to be is gone. Zack stares off into the distance as the screen fades to black. The future looks bleak for them and for us. This is an intense moment of introspection.

To Be Continued...
If only our lives had a "to be continued..." casually placed in the middle where we could take a break and try to sort out what has happened. Zack and Kelly got that, why didn't I? They got to start working at a summer resort at which Lisa got them jobs (the first episode is ham-fistedly placed between this one and the next one). No summer resort for the middle of my life, but I digress.


Season 3, Episode 3: The Aftermath

We begin the second part with random people offering silent condolences to Mr. Morris. Technically Zack shows the sin of sloth, which its original meaning is the sadness of despair. I think that's fair enough. Who woudn't be full of despair if they were tossed aside by their Juliet for a college man? Romeo would have killed himself due to a different form of despair. This is the kind of sadness only an episode of Saved by the Bell can portray.

Zack plays it cool. He acts like he's not hurt. Mark Paul Gossler is a fine actor and can show his sadness through his eyes and body language. Zack now is showing signs of wrath, which can be defined as the denial of the truth. Although we can tell he is in pain, he may not be aware. Gossler portrays his post-Kelly Zack with a great amount of delicacy.

Lisa tells the gang (minus Kelly) that there are only five (shopping) days left until her sweet 16 party. Which, of course, shows her hubris-- falling under pride, once again. Jessie and Slater go into their legendary degrade-women-call-Slater-a-pig routine. Lisa invites Kelly, who is going to bring Jeff. This is met with hesitation-- which is to be expected-- but Lisa agrees he can come.

Zack addresses us, the viewers, in an aside. He let's us know that he's miserable. This is a big moment for Zack. He trusts us, his audience, more than he trusts his own friends. Sure, we know that the gang knows Zack is upset. How could he not be upset?

The near-deaf teacher Ms. Simpson enters the room and misunderstands some things. She calls upon Zack and Kelly to recite a love poem before the class. Zack tries to hurry through it, but Ms. Simpson reminds him that this is a love poem and must be recited with passion. Zack begins the poem again, this time making direct eye contact with Kelly as "How do I love thee, let me count the ways..." escapes from his lips. We see the pain in his eyes. It tears us up inside. It makes Screech beg for them to stop and flee the classroom. Ms. Simpson thinks Mr. Powers was very moved by Zack's recitation.

Screech and Slater discuss some of Zack's classic pranks on Belding before a movie, in an attempt to cheer up Zack. Kelly and Jeff enter the theater and take a seat in the back row. Their attempt to cheer up Zack is thwarted by a scream escaping from the pouty lips of Kelly at some minor gunfire.

Back at Bayside: Zack meets up with the gang (sans Kelly and Slater) before class and tells Lisa that he can't come to her sweet 16 because he can't handle seeing Jeff and Kelly together. Zack knows that he will inevitably show up, but he is so hurt that he's grasping at straws. This is his cry for help. Kelly shows up and Zack and Screech high-tail it out of there. Jessie and Lisa confront Kelly about her movie snogging. She insists they were just cuddling and tells them to get a brain that works (it sort of works in context). Kelly throwing insults breaks my heart. She is not in the position to be angry, in my opinion.

Zack tries to distract himself from his despair. He tries TV, the radio and even homework (gasp!), but they all remind him of Kelly. This is ripped off from Better off Dead, to a degree. Luckily, Lisa, Jessie, Slater and Screech show up to let Zack know how he is wanted sexually by the fairer sex. He decides to go on some dates to try to get over Kelly.

Most of these dates are disasters. For some reason, he is set up with some duds (fat girl and annoying Daniel Steele fangirl). Finally he is set up with Screech's sexy adopted cousin, Kimberly. The gang is the Max; they are acting cold toward Kelly. Zack and Kimberly show up and get a private table, then take to the dance floor. Zack picks 'A-12' on the jukebox, which is Kelly and Zack's song. The gang begins to realize they have been unfair to snub Kelly.

Kelly confronts Zack. She calls him a jerk for playing their song. He says that it stopped being their song when she dumped him for "that jerk." She is furious. Zack doesn't even really know Jeff, and Kelly smacks him. I call this 'the smack heard 'round the world.' Zack slow danced with Kelly when he was dumped! Now all of a sudden he has a new girl and she gets to slap him. He's not even to dance with another girl to a song? This is the moment where I officially hate Kelly.

Kimberly overheard the conversation and throws the shake on Zack for "using her to get back at [his] old girlfriend." There is no justice in the world of Saved by the Bell (unless you're going against an oil company). This is so unfair to Zack. Kimberly had no right to throw a shake at him. Sure, he played a song that he and his ex-girlfriend enjoyed together so he and Kimberly could dance. That is no crime. It is definitely not milkshake worthy. Kimberly might be a hot piece, but she is definitely as annoying as Screech (okay, maybe slightly less annoying).

Lisa and Jessie appologize to Kelly back at Bayside. Jessie says she's been a "narrow-minded, judgmental and pig-headed" which is a perfect description of her character. Zack saunters in with Slater and is surprised that Jessie and Lisa are still friends with her. Which is not fair of Zack. He is a little out of line. He can't dictate friendships. They are mad at him for rubbing his date in Kelly's face. The very date they encouraged him to go on! Zack, in a fit of rage, rips Kelly's pictures out of his locker, and tosses her other shit to the floor. Then he and Belding get into a disagreement and we miss out on a (what is sure to be) classic exchange between Zack and Richard.

Screech shows up at Zack's house and tries to get Zack to go to Lisa's party. Zack really doesn't want to go. Screech leaves. This is one of the few scenes where Screech acts like a human.

We're now at Lisa's party. Kelly and Jeff show up. Kelly introduces Jeff to Jessie and Slater. They instantly accept him. Jessie brings out Lisa's cake. When the lights come back on Zack is standing there. Zack tells Kelly that he doesn't want to lose her as a friend. He also tells Jeff not to 'f' Kelly over (I'm paraphrasing). This leads us to...


Season 3, Episode 9: Fake I.D.'s

This is the episode that will make Zack's earlier proclamation that Jeff is a jerk resonate through Pacific Palisades, CA like a midi triggered church bell with the reverb turned to maximum.

Time has passed since Zack and Kelly have broken up. The gang has a big photo project due (I guess in picture class). Zack is on the hunt. The hunt is over quickly when he meets a woman from USC, Danielle Gordon. Zack tells her that he is also a student and is majoring in photojournalism. She tells Zack that she is a stranded motorist looking for a phone. So Zack gives her the biggest phone he can find.

After changing Danielle's flat tire, we find out that she has invited Zack to the Attic, an 18+ dance club. Zack is ready to make some fake I.D.'s.

Kelly's photo project is pictures of Jeff Hunter. Belding reminds us that she dumped Zack for him. Lisa tells him that's old news.

Slater, Screech and Zack sneak out of Zack's house with fake I.D.'s in tow to the Attic. They manage to get past the bouncer with their fakes. Screech meets a fat woman named Reggie who helps him get in.

Inside the Attic: Zack and Slater meet up with Danielle and her friends, whilst Screech and Reggie dance the night away. Danielle pays Zack his fee for changing her tire (a kiss!). Zack asks the girls, "How come I've never seen you girls on campus before?" The perfect cover-up, young Morris.

Slater spends the night showing off pictures of Jessie to the young ladies. Danielle and Zack make some plans, while Slater is a flop with her friends. Then it happens: they see Jeff f'n Hunter at the Attic kissing a blond girl!!!

The next day at school in picture class: Belding shows off some pictures he took. Then has Kelly show her project entitled: "Pictures of My Guy." Her project looks like the actor who played Jeff Hunter's 8X10 glossy, but does make good use of natural light.

Jessie and Lisa find out that the boys have been to the Attic the night before. Then Screech lets it slip that they saw Jeff there. Jessie convinces Zack to do something stupid: tell Kelly.

Upon hearing the news Kelly calls Zack a "maggot mouth liar" and tries to reason with herself that the girlfriend stealing, upstanding Jeff would never cheat on her. She tells Zack that Jeff was bowling last night. I think a girl was doing an anagram of 'bowling' to Jeff.

Kelly tries to get Jeff to go on a date with her on Saturday night. Jeff says that he's got to work until 11:30 and she's got to be home by 12, so it's not possible. Kelly says maybe she can get an extension on her curfew. At this point Jeff stammers and says they'll spend the next Saturday together-- the whole day. Kelly begins to take Zack's words to heart.

Zack has a phone call with Danielle where they talk about how much they love campus life. That is literally every conversation you have when you are going to college. Danielle throws a line at Zack that he once used, "Funny, I never see you on campus." They make a date for Saturday at the Attic.

We get some character development from Zack's mom and a fun fact: her favorite singing group is Peter, Paul and Mary.

The gang makes a plan to catch Jeff in the act. Screech is told to make them fake I.D.'s, and then Kelly comes in while he's making them. She asks him about Jeff and Screech blubbers and hopes to never become a man. And he never did.

At the Attic: the gang dances and Screech tries to hide from Reggie. Danielle hasn't shown up yet. We soon find Zack's mom answering a phone in his bedroom after singing 'Puff the Magic Dragon.' She talks to Danielle and we find out that she's running late. Zack's mom finds out that he's out dancing. Why would Danielle call Zack when 1)he's waiting for her at the Attic and 2)she knows he has a cell phone because she used it at the beginning of the episode to call a mechanic. This is a very obvious plot hole, but this is not as good of an episode as the two part Zack and Kelly break-up one.

Zack impatiently awaits the arrival of Danielle, while annoying the shit out of Lisa. Then they see, as Lisa now calls him. "Jeff the Jerk" dancing with a young lady. I think I've heard that name somewhere before. Then Kelly shows up and confronts Jeff. He tells her that they're not going steady or anything. He's not ready for a commitment. She doesn't even slap him. She slapped Zack for nothing.

Zack's mom shows up and breaks up the fun. Danielle shows up just as they're leaving, but she still makes another date with Zack.

THE END.

The serialized story of Zack and Kelly's demise has come to a close. Not only did Kelly ruin her relationship with Zack, but Jeff ruined his relationship with Kelly. Kelly's naïveté has cost her two relationships in the span of a few episodes.

What we can learn from this is that: Kelly is stupid, Jessie is pig-headed, Slater is charming, macho and sexist, Screech is awful in every way imaginable, Lisa is shallow, Zack is honest only toward Kelly and Jeff Hunter is a jerk. So the only thing we really learned is that Zack is the only character with any real depth and that Jeff is a jerk.

I still hate Kelly for slapping Zack. Why would she do such a thing? She catches Jeff cheating on her and she says she's sorry she started dating him. Zack dances to a song they liked and calls Jeff a jerk and gets slapped and milkshaked. The world is truly an unfair place. Still, Jeff is better than that dick that does magic. That guy is so awful.