Debate: Is the Health Care Reform Bill Good for America?

By Glenn and Jake 

Today, President Obama signed historic health care reform legislation but that didn't end the debate about whether this is the right legislation for this great land we pseudo-affectionately call "America." Headlines in all the Monday morning papers that are still solvent celebrated (or at least acknowledged) the vote passing this bill in the House of Representatives but overlooked were the stories - documented here - of vandals throwing bricks through windows of Democratic offices nationwide in protest. Does this signify a grassroots uprising to the new mandate that we all must have health insurance or will this be just another brick in the wall on the road to social progress? Jake and Glenn take a careful, nuanced approach to discussing whether or not this health care bill will kill us all or be our salvation.

Glenn: When the first bill passed the House back in November, I wept at the sight. When the Senate passed their version on December 24th, I finally understood the meaning of Christmas and Jesus Christ's birth. When the House passed the Senate bill on Sunday, I wept the same tears Jesus Christ's parents had wept 6,000 years ago when the Earth was created and their savior son was born. Today when Barack Obama signed this into law, there were no more tears left to cry. So instead I just signed up for the federal health insurance exchange. No longer will I be denied health insurance for having the pre-existing condition of Biblical literalism. Once I get coverage, my insurance company will not be able to drop me just because I contract HIV, Herpes and the Bubonic Plague at the same time. Finally, there is now over a billion dollars dedicated to supporting the next generation of medical providers: doctors, nurses and new age spiritual gurus. These are all great things! I love this health care bill in a way I've never been able to love a woman.

Jake: While you're busy applauding this bill like you're at a Toby Keith concert and he just sang that song about murdering Islamic radicals, I'm curled up in a ball and shaking like an epileptic at a 24 hour strobe light retailer in the middle of Iowa. America is headed down the toilet faster than a Ghoulie. All you leftwing rubes think this is the greatest thing since Big Bubba Rogers joined the nWo, but it most certainly is not. I have read this bill, cover-to-cover and then listened to the book on tape just to make sure I didn't miss anything. I didn't. Did you read this bill? I don't think so, kid. You're too busy reading the Bible (a great book, but not as good as my favorite book, this bill). Instead of reading the Bible you should get down on your knees and pray that the passing of this unconstitutional bill, which is going to cost the average American over $4 billion(!!!), was just a horrible nightmare. Then you wake up, wipe the sweat from your brow and praise the lord that every woman in America is not going to be forced to get an abortion.

Glenn: Wow. I don't even know where to respond to this other than to commend you for reading the entire bill. I unfortunately cannot read it because I have astigmatism, cataracts and glaucoma. These are all diseases that you would think could be covered under a private health insurance plan, but when I was diagnosed with these "setbacks" my insurance company dropped my coverage because they found out that I was half-Jewish by birth. Can you believe that?! If that's the kind of world you and your friends at Tea Party Patriots want to live in, go for it. Maybe you could all move to upper Canada and secede to form your own country where no Jewish people can have health insurance. Canada won't stop you - they barely even stopped Quebec! Here in the United States of America, though, we - like goats - have an innate sense of justice and fairness. That's why this bill has, practically overnight, become more popular than Justin Beiber. And it will kill less people than he ever could.

Jake: This bill is going to poison the upper class more than pharmaceuticals company do to our tap water. You might all be thinking (if you even can think, you liberal idiots!) Jake, you are the poorest person I know and you don't even have health insurance. This is true. Why do I care about the upper class so much? Because I'm not a bigot or a class warrior like Glenn. I'm compassionate toward all human beings, not just the poor ones. What happens to all of the homeless people who can't even afford to buy a bottle of Absolute vodka? Will they be put into a concentration camp because they cannot afford health insurance? I would have to say yes. Is this fair? Heck no! It's not fair that I will have to personally pay out of pocket for every abortion performed from this point forward. It's not fair that I will have to pay for Al Roker's liposuction. It's not fair that I will have to pay for Heidi Montag's transformation into Dr. Frankenstein's monster. If you think this bill is good for America, then you should get ready for a swerve so big that even Vince Russo couldn't have written it for a Monday Night Raw in 1998.

Glenn: This bill isn't going to hurt anyone with the POSSIBLE exception of private health insurance companies. Even then it will only hurt them in the way that a spanking hurts your recalcitrant child. They've been bad and they need to be punished so they can learn and adjust their behavior. Homeless people, after passage of this bill, will now have better coverage than the hardest working white man, as it should be. As for your insane abortion fears, let me calm them: the US Supreme Court has pledged to REPEAL Roe v. Wade as soon as someone can convince Anthony Kennedy that women are second class citizens - therefore the whole abortion issue is moot. No matter how many times you might wish that the health care bill and myself had been aborted, it's not going to happen. This is now the law of the land and senior citizens have never been happier. Even though no one over 17 reads our site, I did just want to point out that the "doughnut hole" will start closing now. Although it sounds delicious, this is actually a gap where it's more expensive for grandmas and grandpas to get their prescription drugs. Now the only time seniors will have to eat dog food is because they have Alzheimer's and think it's for people!

Jake: It's funny that you mention donut holes, because it proves my point-- we're going to be paying (through our ever-inflating taxes) for the treatment of people who are too stupid to eat healthy. I don't want my hard earned money going to treat the heart attack of a Haystacks Calhoun-esque individual. I don't think it's fair to force me to pay for such a thing. We don't make the pacifists pay taxes to fund the bombing of our enemy nations, do we? No. We don't make homosexuals pay taxes because they aren't allowed to get married and therefore cannot receive the much needed tax breaks that come with it. If they don't have to pay taxes than I shouldn't. Wesley Snipes doesn't have to pay taxes! Henry David Thoreau didn't have to pay taxes! Now I don't have to pay taxes! You can take that to the bank, hippies!