KTz Preview Reviewz

By Katy

  • Hot Tub Time Machine (Rated R for hilarious 80's references that John Cusack stumbles over while reliving the only decade he made decent movies).

  • Synopsis: John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Clark Duke and Craig Robinson play four friends, tired of being grown-ups and desperately clinging to the glory days of the 1980's. THEN THEY GO THERE SOMEHOW I DON'T KNOW. Finding themselves in 1986, they break up Barbra Striesand and Jon Peters, help Iran conquer Fao, and award the Golden Girls with an Emmy. Finally, they head to Davenport, IA to witness the birth of a beautiful baby girl. They steal her from her mother and raise her in a hot tub where she's fed nothing but dandelion leaves and kous kous until she finds herself writing preview reviews for OYIT some odd years later.

    My Take: John Cusack's lack of comedic standing is a real deterrent to my viewing this film in the theatre. Also, my tendency to not view movies in the theatre is a deterrent to my viewing this film in the theatre. This appears to be an entire, live-action movie take-off of the Family Guy's "Meet The Quagmires" episode from 2007. This movie will probably be funnier despite John Cusack's appearance in it. At least the man is still decent eye candy. I'm certainly putting this on my Netflix queue. Some drugs could really top off this hilarity platter.

  • How to Train Your Dragon (Rated PG lest children and teenagers catch on to the double entendre).

  • Synopsis: VIKINGS! What? I said it. Vikings! After all this vampire and werewolf nonsense the kids seem to be so into, someone finally saw fit to take the inspiring tale of vikings and make it completely historically accurate to finally teach our nation's youngsters about life in harder times. We follow Hiccup, a gangling waste of teenage viking existence. Overcome with self-loathing and pity reviling only that of Twilight character Isabella (Bella) Swan. He goes to find a vampire to end his shameful existence, but instead meets a baby dragon who is soon to become his new best friend. With the aid of his new found yet beloved friend, he returns to his native land of Vikingsville to take on Gobber (Craig Ferguson) and prove once and for all that nativity and stunningly high ignorance are all you need to succeed in life.

    My Take: If the movie is anything like the synopsis I just typed out I will absolutely be staying away from the theatre and all 3D movies hereafter. **Spoiler**: It's not really like the synopsis I just wrote. It is a little. But not most of it. But still a pretty good portion of it. Either way, I'm really not that into dragons that aren't helping a little lost boy like Pete find his way in the world. Nor do I want to listen to Jonah Hill's voice falsely amplifying out of the mouth of what is probably a fat, little, CGI smartass. But at least I don't have to see him naked.

    Those are the only movies that are listed to come out today, Friday March 26, 2010. But guess what? If you just keep scrolling down you'll be lucky enough to catch a preview review of the stunningly attractive Miley Cyrus movie that's debuting in theatres March 31. Get Excited

  • The Last Song (Rated PG... cuz it's for the kidz! But parents should be there also to ensure the safety of viewing Cyrus in all her adolescent, wide-mouth glory. Srly, when is this girl going to turn eighteen, already? I just looked it up. She's going to be eighteen in November. Get ready, Glenn).

    Synopsis: Greg Kinnear, best known for his heart-breaking cinematic role in Baby Mama, plays the estranged father, Steve, to Cyrus' character, Ronnie, in this tale of betrayal and murder. Naw, that ain't right. Steve is a terrible father who gets stuck spending time with his daughter in the South. Could this girl's life get any worse? It can. Because she discovers love, and shortly after the movie ends she discovers pain more crushing than her father's ongoing reality escape wherein he ignores her eighteen hours a day to level up his character in WOW.

    My Take: I have never seen a Miley Cyrus movie and I'll probably continue to maintain that record until after I've seen Vampire Weekend in concert, which I hear you can obtain simultaneously since they play a live show with Joe Jonas in the course of this film. Unfortunately, VW is met with confusion and culturally cliched hatred from the Southern people, which is not how I'd like to introduce myself to either of these adolescent phenomenons.

    1. John Cusack made plenty of good movies in the 90s. Although your preview for Hot Tub Time Machine sounds more psychotic/interesting than any of those movies.

    2. haha. TGIF. i love your movie reviews/ hate all the movies you talk about.

    3. How do you know about al-Faw w/ all them drugz?!