Debate: Is Space Exploration Beneficial?

By Glenn and Jake 

Ever since man looked up to the heavens with awe and contempt, the human race has had one singular goal: travel to space and rape the planets and stars of their precious resources. While we have barely scraped the solar system of its rich nutrients, some anti-space pundits argue that we should be focusing our money and attention to the issues plaguing planet Earth. Does outer space have enough to give that we should fund an ambitious space program to conquer it? Or is it as the evangelical Christians describe it - a big black void with no answers to give us beyond what we've already found in the Holy Land?

Glenn: The space program is probably the best thing our government has done since the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II. When John Kennedy released our Japanese brothers and sisters while at the same time announcing we would land on the moon by the end of the 1960s, it was a mixture of up and downs. Ultimately Richard Nixon made good on that promise in 1969 and his own campaign promise to end the war in Vietnam. I know making these statements will provoke Jake's conspiracy theories - he'll say the moon landing was done on a sound stage and that far from ending the war in Vietnam Nixon actually escalated the war. The moon landing happened and it was because we put in enough effort and resources. If we want to colonize the moon, the sun or Mars, we'll need even more resources and a renewed national focus on escaping our deteriorating planet. Let's do this, fellow Earthlings.

Jake: Glenn has once again underestimated me. I don't believe that the moon landing was shot on some then state-of-the-art Hollywood soundstage. It was shot in space and we have the proof is in the moon rocks. I do happen to believe that it was a tremendous waste of money with little to no benefit for our species. While we're pissing away our hard earned money on funding space programs we could be feeding homeless people hamburgers and root beer. Maybe Glenn feels that space exploration is a more pressing matter than feeding the underprivileged, maybe he thinks the moon is made of cheese (as if the cheese wouldn't be spoiled by now) and that could solve our global hunger crisis. Maybe Glenn thinks there is oil in space. We all know Glenn's mantra is "drill, baby, drill." My mantra is "feed the hungry and stay outta space."

Glenn: You can't phrase this as an either/or proposition. Of course I think money should be used to feed homeless people. Why do you think I tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981 after his first budget cut funding for these programs? But by that logic we shouldn't spend money on a lot of things that don't help the homeless, such as campaigns against childhood obesity or the FBI. Jake's dream society is one where criminals own everything and children weigh fifty pounds at birth but no one is homeless. My dream society is exactly like the one we have now but with more space exploration. Additionally, if we are able to colonize the moon we will have to send people to live there first - to "try it out" and make sure the oxygen producing machines are working. Then you have solved the problem of homelessness at the same time you've solved the problem of an underdeveloped moon. The moon is not made of cheese either. I think it's graphite.

Jake: The moon is not the only celestial body that we're here to discuss. I'm not trying to come off sounding like a moonist, but what's so great about the moon? Why do we have to inhabit it? We have oceans on our planet that we have yet to fully explore. Why not send homeless people to an underwater paradise made of glass? Why should we send a tiny remote control car with a camera to Mars when we could glue a camera to a shark and explore the depths of the ocean? I reiterate: what is so great about space? This time I will answer my own question: nothing. Nothing is great about space.

Glenn: We've already explored the depths of the ocean. Humanity has explored everything Earth has to offer! At this point our planet is like someone we've been married to for about 15 years - we still love it and care about it, but need something more. That's what space is. Additionally, people always say how the rain forests could have cures to diseases. I would argue that space probably has cures for diseases that the CIA hasn't even invented yet! We haven't even addressed the biggest reason to fund a space program: the very real likelihood that we are not the only intelligent beings in the universe. God created the earth 6,000 years ago it and it seems a bit silly that he would ONLY create humans and ONLY put them on Earth to flourish. There are probably an alien version of Jake and Glenn on some other planet at this very instant having their own debate about whether to invade and colonize Earth. I can only imagine what they decide will depend on how you conclude this debate.

Jake: There probably are alien lifeforms on other planets. I've seen ALF and I don't want them on Earth eating our cats, cracking wise and saying "no problem" until my brain is liquified and oozing out of my earholes. Traveling to space is like drawing a line in the sand and daring these aliens to step across it and annihilate every creature on Earth, even the ones that were against space travel like myself. If space exploration is so important why didn't Blossom ever have a special episode about it? Why didn't the producers of Ferngully make a similar film about space called Spacegully? Is it because going to space just isn't that important? I would have to say yes and I have the references to TV shows from the 1980s to prove it!


  1. I hope this debate will bring about the Final Solution to the Final Frontier.

  2. glenn's irrational hatred of asains once again shines through. extremely funny deb8. i know the CIA has google alerts on itself so i can't wait to read their comment.

  3. Hahah!! Fantastic. Jake is now officially a moonist, and I've written the first two acts of the script for Spacegully

  4. this is relevant:

    jake, don't watch!! it's a spoiler.

  5. John Candy's GhostFebruary 24, 2012 at 2:32 PM

    hey i'm in the in between space between our world and the spiritual plane but its kind of like space it's cold and the moon is here

  6. There is no god and the earth was created billions of years ago

  7. This ^ character has apparently never read a little science book called The Bible!!!