Good Morning Grief

By Keelin 

Good morning. It's a bright and sunny morning here in real America. I started my day the usual way: watched some American Idol clips, checked to see if any new killing fields had sprung up in the world, called up my pet psychic to pass on the good news about both these things.

It wasn't all unmitigated joy, though. Example! A few weeks ago I met a feral rooster on the Pacific coast. Now I've learned this bird, in the prime of his life, has been struck down by the cruel hands of fate and avian disease. Is this right, I ask you? No, the only thing that can justify the death of a rooster is if he is patient zero in the spread of some kind of disgusting epidemic against which Jenny McCarthy will tell us not to get immunized. Even then, it'd probably be OK if he just lived out the remainder of his days in isolation.

Today's Scientology Fact

Wait, before I tell you this, have you taken our personality test? Trust me, you're going to learn a lot about yourself. No pressure! [Please bring a major credit card. No personal checks.]

Today's History Lesson

On this day in 1945, Adolf Hitler committed suicide. He remains a touchstone of meaningless political comparison even in our own time!

Today's Prediction

The ghosts of Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson and Grace Kelly will haunt you until you start a grunge-pop fusion band and become better looking. Your band will enjoy moderate success until the drummer commits a gaffe on Twitter. You will be shunned by Ashton Kutcher and the world.


  1. Haha! The best part is that Keelin really has a pet psychic!! I got my credit card out, where's the personality test!!!

    Great GM - ")

  2. This was great Keelin. I would like to start a grunge fusion band and to become better looking!

  3. Why does Hunter S. Thompson hate Obama so much?

  4. Ha! And why does the ugliest one-room school teacher in the world not know where her birth certificate is?!

  5. I thought I was your pet psychic. And I hope the American Idol thing was a joke but I know it wasn't.

  6. We should kill all feral animals and children.

    and hey! My grandmother was a one-room school teacher!

  7. haha. the only thing i can think of that is worse than being shunned by ashton kutcher is contracting HIV. unfortunately, glenn has dealt with both of those things :(