Good Morning Ryan White

By Glenn

Good morning. Did you enjoy my April Fool's Day column from last week? There weren't many comments, so I was just wondering. Today is not April Fool's day or any other day where you play tricks on people. It's a very special day that I will address after the weather. The weather played a very special trick on me recently, giving me a sunburn on my face and legs. As the skin peels off I feel a little like a reverse Buffalo Bill, but there's one big difference between him and me: I'm not a murderer.

[There are actually a few differences, but we'll get into those later.]

Today's Weather
I'm traveling to Seattle today, which is a place known for rain, bizarrely reelecting Dave Reichert to Congress and the grunge music scene. While former Sheriff Reichert saved the area from the Green River killer, the grunge music scene saved music. The rain in Seattle is so famous for allowing both of these things to happen. I can only imagine the forecast for today in Seattle: cloudy, rainy with a 65% chance of being murdered by your wife.

Today's Anniversary

Twenty years ago today Ryan White died from complications related to AIDS (or as it used to be known in the 1980s: GRID). For those of you in the younger generation you may not remember Ryan and what he represented. He was the first child to ever contract AIDS and the only one to live through it - at least until the point he died. Before him, people thought HIV/AIDS were a curse against our nation's homosexuals. Did I say people? Because I meant homophobes and right-wing idiots. In the same way conservatives reject science that doesn't conform to their view of the world now, people in the 1980s couldn't grasp that simply going to school with Ryan White or sharing a milkshake with him wouldn't transmit AIDS. His parents had to sue their school to get him let back in but moved anyway by eighth grade. His mother stated that people on the street would yell "we know you're a queer!" to her middle school aged son.

Today should be a day to remember Ryan White, AIDS victims across the world (especially Africa) and how bigoted and ignorant the people of Indiana are. When I read the wikipedia article about Ryan before writing this, I was emotionally moved reading about his death, and furious when reading about his treatment in life. He took his condition and made himself a national spokesman for the issue. How many of us can say the same for ourselves? I know I can't, but I want to. At this moment, on this anniversary, I hereby declare a desire to contract HIV today so that I may follow in Ryan's footsteps. Call me a bug catcher, but make sure you do it in the same breath as you call me a hero. After today, I will not be dying of AIDS. I will be living of AIDS.

Today's Prediction
I will contract HIV (the virus that causes AIDS) while in Seattle. Pearl Jam will hear about it and play a benefit concert for me, including such rarely played tracks as "W.M.A." and "hey foxymophandlemama, that's me." At the concert, the Green River killer - freed from jail after key eyewitness Courtney Love recants her testimony - will announce his campaign for Congress in 2010 against Dave Reichert, trying to finish what Darcy Burner never could. On Election Day, however, he will only pull in 34% of my vote. This will be the same as my last T-cell count before I pass away in my sleep that night, knowing that Dave Reichert remains in Congress and can continue to frame Gary Ridgeway for his crimes.


  1. This caused tears of pain, joy, and excitement, all at one time. I hope you have a great time in Seattle!

  2. this actually made me tear up.

  3. You are such a martyr, Glenn.

  4. This was the most thoughtful Ryan White reference I've heard in two decades. WMA would be awesome to see, why would anyone ever listen to foxymophandlemomma.....

  5. Glenn, I found a link for a successful Bug Party in Seattle. You might want to look this person up and ask how their 4-year-old's HIV/AIDS is coming along:

  6. Yeah the Ryan White section was great. "After today, I will not be dying of AIDS. I will be living of AIDS." is such a funny line. I wish you would have done a whole Ryan White article, I could hear you talk about him all day.