Congressman Bub's Resignation Letter

By Bub 

It is with great regret I announce that I am resigning from the U.S. House of Representatives, as well as resigning as the Republican nominee for Congress in this fall’s election.

I believe it is the best decision for my family, my mistress, the girls of ‘The Leather Room’, the gentlemen of ‘The Leather Room’, the people of our state, our country, Mexico, most of the Balkan states, and planets yet to be discovered. Not to mention all of the poor people and gays I have worked so hard to marginalize.

I can never fully thank all those who have worked so hard, given so much and supported me through many contested primaries and general elections, several purposeful ATV crashes, two tragic hunting accidents, my experimental leather phase, what was dubbed in the press the ‘Alta Dena Incident’, and that time I got tricked into buying a slave. You are free now Maputo, and so now am I.

It has been all consuming for me to do this job well, especially in a district with costly, competitive elections every two years. I have had to mortgage three of my houses, poison one of my servants, and stop feeding my cats fresh Chilean sea bass. Those poor felines have had to subsist on salmon tartar, and (chokes up) it’s not even Alaskan.

I have sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a member of my staff. But as God would say, at least it was a mutual relationship. I wasn’t whacking off into someone else’s Coke can like a certain sitting member of the Supreme Court. I didn’t rape and murder anyone like Gary Condit or Glenn Beck. I simply used my power to sexually exploit a member of my staff at the expense of my family.

But in the poisonous environment of Washington D.C., any personal failing is seized upon, often twisted, for political gain. I would be called a hypocrite because I preach the sanctity of marriage. They would say I have personally demonstrated why my opposition to gay marriage is so abhorrent. My fellow citizens, if I were to stay in office the Democrats would take to the streets yelling racist slurs and accuse me of trying to turn our nation into some kind of socialist-communist-terrorist-islamist-mexicosyndicalist wasteland with all of the nation’s energy fueled by the burning bodies of thought criminals.

I am resigning rather than to put my family through that painful, drawn-out process.

My wife and my family were more than willing to stand here with me, regardless of the sad, uncomfortable looks on their faces.

We are a committed family. But the error is mine and I should bear the responsibility. I tried to blame it on my staff, Democrats, the rain, but no one seemed to buy it. So go ahead blame me for my actions if it makes you feel better about yourself. I’m not the type of person that gets off on that kind of thing, but, whatever.

Not only am I thankful for a loving family but for a loving God. My comfort is that God is a gracious and forgiving God to those who sincerely seek his forgiveness as I do. But I am so ashamed to have hurt those I love. Especially God. I don’t know how He’s going to take it. He seems to have been in a funk for some time now. I’m afraid this might just wreck Him. I guess I’ll make an appointment with a counselor and I should probably hide His Clonazepam and Tylenol PM before I tell Him. I hope He doesn’t react the way He did the last time He had a breakdown – playing Morrissey records for weeks on end alone, drunk, in His unlit bedroom sitting in pee-soaked pants crying silently, thinking up new diseases to scourge mankind with so that they will feel the depth of His pain. But, this isn’t about Him.

I am so sorry to have let so many friends down, people who have fought so hard for me. The ideas we advocate are still just and right, even if they are only just and right for other people, mostly minorities, and some gays. America will survive and thrive when anchored in those values. But it will turn into some kind of socialist-communist-terrorist-islamist-mexicosyndicalist wasteland with all of the nation’s energy fueled by the burning bodies of thought criminals, if they are not followed exactly.

Our values are based upon eternal truths. By stepping aside, my mistake cannot be used as a political football in a partisan attempt to undermine the notion that dinosaurs were homophobic, racist, bigots and were also adept free market capitalists.

As I leave public office, my plans are focused upon repairing my marriage, earning back the trust of my family, my community, the kind folks at ‘The Leather Room’, and Maputo. I also plan on renewing my walk with the lord.

I humbly ask you, for the sake of my family, that you respect my privacy in this difficult time, especially when I am nude at my ATV track with Maputo, and when I am doing homosexual research at ‘The Leather Room’.

I have no further comments.


  1. HOORAY!!!! You're still my write-in candidate, Bub.

  2. You were a true inspiration. May jokes about you be told on Leno for decades to come!

  3. this made me laugh so hard. thanks bubs.

  4. Like Katy, I thought this was great. Unlike Katy, I don't wish for Leno to be on the air for decades. He sucks! This is hilarious though.