Good Morning Sports Fans

By Keelin 

Good morning. Yesterday I participated in one of America's finest traditions (after funnel cakes and draconian drug sentences): I went to a professional baseball game.

Baseball has come a long way since it was invented in the 16th century as a cure for syphilis. For instance, now these mostly out-of-shape players make lots of money and travel all over our great country, where regional prejudices can remind them over and over why they never want to leave home again.

Usually, there is very little scoring in baseball, making it kind of like America's soccer, if America didn't already have soccer that was widely scorned by the ticket-buying classes. But it's not only Americans who enjoy baseball! It's also the favorite sport of Japan and large swaths of Latin America. Unfortunately, it remains the least favorite sport of Saudi Arabia.

Today's Stadium Food

Sushi! I know, you were expecting a hot dog. But this is the 21st century and this was the most popular item on the menu at the stadium yesterday. While it remains a hit up here in the Pacific Northwest, the state of Arizona recently expelled stadium sushi when it failed to present its residency papers.

Today's Stadium Music

Anything by the Black Eyed Peas. They are visionaries. And "Louie Louie."

Today's Stadium Prediction

I will live another seventy years and never have the opportunity to attend another professional sports match. To fill the gaping hole in my life, I will watch "Rudy" on an endless loop and use sports stats to strike up conversations with strangers.


  1. This is great! I felt like I was at the game with you without hearing anything about the actual game!! Now I'm hungry for sushi!!!

  2. I went to that Game!!!!!
    Critique of article: you failed to mention the teams involved, the score, the dramatic 9th inning, the fact that the manager of the winning team got thrown out for arguing a stolen base call. You apparantly were too busy eating sushi to notice the actual game.
    p.s It was the Mariners v. the Toronto Blue Jays. The Mariners won 4-3 in a dramatic come from behind 9th inning. Mariner manager Don Wakamatsu got the team fired up by getting thrown out in the 8th inning.

  3. lol @ Mariner Fan taking you to task. You should have at least told us about Don Wakamatsu getting thrown out to win the game! That strategy is as devious as it is clever. I still loved it.

  4. Haha, this exactly why I am not welcome at any more sporting events.

  5. Thanks, Mariner Fan, for the info. The only other place Keelin mentioned was Arizona so I thought they were playing the Diamondbacks.

    You know, I am a huge baseball fan which, as you said, is like the soccer of America. Soccer, or futbol, is huge in Europe. Liberals want America to be like socialist Europe. I am Liberal, therefore, BASEBALL IS SOCIALIST!!!

  6. this was really funny keelin. i could relate to it even though i know nothing about baseball.


no more comments from spam bots. fuck off.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.