Debate: Arizona's Immigration Law

By Jake & Glenn 

SB 1070 is the bill recently passed by the Arizona legislature and signed into law by Jan Brewer, Republican governor of "Brewster's Millions" fame. This law does a few things, including making it a state crime to be in the country illegally, prohibiting day labor and allowing people to sue their municipalities if the strict measures are not implemented strictly enough. The most controversial aspect of the bill is that it "would make the failure to carry immigration documents a crime and give the police broad power to detain anyone suspected of being in the country illegally." Some say this is echoes of Nazi Germany - "Papers, please" SS troops would say - while others emphasize that if you are here legally you have nothing to worry about. The only thing you have to worry about is if this debate will get too heated for One Year in Texas.

Jake: As a card-carrying member of the ACLU and a resident of Arizona, let me go on the record as saying that I am outraged by this 'papers please' law. Not only is it racist, but it is a law that assumes that a person is guilty until proven innocent. Gov. Jan Brewer is the worst person to have ever lived. She is also the dumbest. If she were my daughter I would join the witness relocation program in order to disappear into the shadows so I wouldn't have to drop dead from the embarrassment of people knowing I gave birth to her. When she was asked what immigrants look like she said she didn't know. Yet she is forcing the police to enforce this unjust law. My guess is that she thinks immigrants look hispanic. What about all of those Swedish immigrants in Arizona? I bet all they have to worry about is who they're going to fuck after the Cardigans concert. What really troubles me is that Los Lobos has an upcoming tour date in Arizona. The police might determine that they look illegal and send them to Mexico and all of the people who bought tickets with their hard-earned money will be disappointed.

Glenn: A quick check to the new federal database reveals that Los Lobos are here legally. They, like the rest of us, have nothing to worry about. However, if you are one of the millions of French Canadians that illegally entered the United States through North Dakota and then immediately traveled to Arizona, you might as well pack your bags. You're going home. This law is the only rational response by a state government to the kind of invasion Arizona has suffered since Ronald Reagan foolishly gave amnesty to all illegal immigrants in 1986. In Arizona, children at schools are bullied because they were born in the United States. Illegal immigrants do whatever they want, whenever they want. This is a modest attempt to deport them for being here illegally - something the federal government ISN'T doing. In fact, President Obama recently gave a speech where he said that if this country had more illegal immigrant workers, the Gulf of Mexico oil spill never would have happened. What kind of message is that sending to our children?

Jake: I agree with you that the federal government needs to do more than just complain about how the federal government isn't doing anything about this issue. We need immigration reform and we need it as soon as possible in order to put a bullet in the back of this bill's head, execution style. Los Lobos might be here legally-- and any true Los Lobos fan could tell you that-- but what if the police abuse their power? What if Los Lobos didn't bring the papers that prove they are legal citizens of the United States? We have to assume that this law will target non-whites and blacks almost exclusively. How else could this law be enforced than by looking at the color of people's skin? I say we send this bill back to where it came from: Nazi Germany.

Glenn: Why don't we send our F├╝hrer Barack Obama back there at the same time? He can fight Angela Merkel in a contest for who has the best vision of how to put rich people into concentration camps. Nazi analogies aside, though, I haven't heard Jake or anyone opposed to this bill address my main contention: that murderers and rapists who are in this country illegally should be arrested and sent back to their country of origin. We have twelve million illegal immigrants in the United States, with at least fifty million more in Arizona. They are OVERWHELMING this wonderful place. The last time I have seen such a large invasion of a sovereign nation by another it was September 1st, 1939. We need to deal with this problem and I can't think of a better way to do it than giving people the right to sue their local governments for not deporting everyone.

Jake: There might be 12 million illegal immigrants in this beautiful land of ours, but that doesn't mean we can go around bothering the legal immigrants or natural-born citizens for proof of their legality just based upon the color of their skin. It's going to be annoying for the hispanic population of Arizona and whatever other states decide to enact a similar law. I think we all have to face the fact that this law is specifically designed to target Mexicans who are here illegally to do janitorial work so they can send money to their families back home. I don't like illegal immigrants being here and taking jobs that some of our millions of unemployed people could be working in order to send money to their families in America.

Glenn: I'm glad we can both agree on one thing: our hatred of illegal immigrants. That is the first step to becoming a Republican and the last step of this debate. Every single illegal immigrant is a criminal even before they rob me on the street. Being in this country without proper documentation is a CRIME and why does it take our nation's greatest leaders - Tom Tancredo, Rush Limbaugh and my father - to say it? The Arizona law is the only sane response in an insane world - the kind of world where I have to clutch my purse every time I walk by a Mexican restaurant and where "coyotes" smuggle a truckload half full of living people across the Arizonian desert. The other half is full of dead people who tried to come into this country illegally but instead will get a green card and permanent resident status in heaven. If when I get to heaven some angel version of the Arizona state patrol asks me for my "papers," I'll give them my certificate of baptism to prove I belong there. Then immediately go to heaven's version of Six Flags and ride the Batman for all eternity.


  1. i would rather watch the movie camp 60000 times in a row than live in a burrito-less america. i would rather go to an internment camp than live in a burrito-less america. i would rather to go a SUMMER camp than live in a burrito-less america. i'm thinking twice. thanks, guys.

  2. That reminds me, I need to make sure there is a provision in my will to bury my certificate of baptism with my dead body. I don't want to be deported back to Mexico - I mean H--L!!!

  3. I loved this debate!!

    One of the funniest things I've read in a long time:

    'I haven't heard Jake or anyone opposed to this bill address my main contention: that murderers and rapists who are in this country illegally should be arrested and sent back to their country of origin.'

    I also really liked Jake saying how dumb Jan Brewer was.


  4. If hating illegal immigrants is the first step to becoming a Republican, I've taken five million first steps today.


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