Don't Ask for a Good Morning and I Won't Tell You One

By Glenn 

Good morning. Oh damn! I just violated our official good morning policy at One Year in Texas. Since the site opened in the early 90s, we came to a compromise between those who wanted us to wish a good morning out in the open and those who thought a "good morning" column had no place on the site. Granted, the Bible and Qur'an say nothing about wishing people a "good morning." But that alone isn't a good enough reason to exclude. The overall content of the site is weaker without the ability for people to express themselves in the morning. Now that 78% of our readers are in favor of a good morning post I hope our editorial board can get together and change official policy for the good of the site and humanity.

[I hope analogies are never banned from OYIT!]

Today's Weather

Before I hear from all the weather purists out there, let me explain. I know strictly speaking this isn't "weather" because it wasn't created by god or allah. But in this world, oil is the closest thing to holy water we have. It means more. Our cars, computers and novelty sex items cannot be created or function without oil. Oil has replaced religion and I worship at the altar of many false idols, including BP. This new weather pattern of partly cloudy and creeping oil spill has sent meteorologists all over the southern US into fits of prayer - this time towards the spill instead of Jerusalem or Mecca. Maybe the force of prayer, combined with the "Top Kill" strategy will be enough to stop the oil dead in its watery tracks.

Today's Major Policy Shift

Yesterday in the House of Representatives, 229 Democrats and 5 reasonable Republicans voted in favor of repealing the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy regarding homosexual service in our armed forces. Technically, they only voted to allow a repeal 60 days after a Pentagon report on the issue certifies that it won't be disruptive. With language that timid, it'd take a real bigot to vote against yesterday's amendment. Fortunately we have 194 of them in the House right now (168 Republicans and 26 Democrats). I'm impressed when the Republican caucus in the House can string a coherent thought together, so it's not surprisingly to see them vote so overwhelmingly against such a popular, common sense measure. The 26 Democrats are all the usual idiots, mostly from the former slave-holding South and places where you can't use the term "teabagger" pejoratively. There's a joke to be made somewhere in there but I won't do it out of respect for the serious and long overdue nature of this legislative action.

Today's Liberal Organizations
Did you know that on this day in 1892 John Muir founded the Sierra Club? Did you know that on this day in 1961 a letter writing campaign began that eventually became the terrorist organization known as Amnesty International? These are two of the most important groups in America and it has to say something that, in a way, they were both "founded" on the same day. I think I prefer Amnesty because they stand up to petty tyrants and the US Government in a way I always wish I could have. But the work of the Sierra Club is still very important and even after human beings evolve to breathe oil instead of air, there will still be a need for an environmental group to change the public consciousness. I was in a group of people who toasted to Carol Burnett the other night and hope those of you are who go "drinking" tonight can raise a glass to your either the Sierra Club, Amnesty International or the Spanish Armada, which also happened today in 1588.

Today's Prediction
The Spanish Armada, which disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle over 400 years ago after being defeated by Great Britain, will appear in the Gulf of Mexico but get trapped in the massive oil spill. When word gets back to Prime Minister Zapatero, he'll start a letter writing campaign to urge the British Navy to go down to the Gulf and save his fleet. This letter writing campaign will succeed and then go on to become a Madrid-based international organization advocating for the open service of homosexual persons in the Spanish Armada, retroactive to the 16th century. Indiana Republican Mike Pence will introduce a non-binding resolution in the US House of Representatives saying the course of Western History that started with the defeat of the Spanish Armada and led to the colonization and subsequent independence of the United States of America shall not be put in jeopardy just to "advance a liberal social agenda." And most people in DC will have the politeness not to call him out on being an anti-gay bigot from Indiana.


  1. Haha! I win! I liked this first on facebook!
    Also, this is a great GM article. I wanted to go political on mine but instead I went silly. I'm glad you took the route I could not (while still being humerous, of course.)

  2. Analogies will never be banned from OYIT but they may be restricted to Hitler-related ones.

  3. Kaleena, you didn't win shit except for me spitting in your lunch.

    That picture of the gay dudes reminds me of the video game Double Dragon for some reason.

  4. reading this three days late made it all the better.

  5. Me too Jake!!! This was a particularly stellar GM.


no more comments from spam bots. fuck off.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.