Showing posts with label Oil Spills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Oil Spills. Show all posts

One Year In Texas Talk 7-21-10

By Nate 



One Year In Texas Talk is an answering machine we have set up to our OYIT hotline. Please call in and leave an anonymous message. If we deem it worthy, it will show up in this weekly piece. Tell us what's on your mind. It doesn't even have to pertain to the website!

Keep eyes on the road

This is in regard to June 23rd post about texting. What an idiot you are is exactly what I am trying to tell you. Keep your eyes on the road and pay attention. Don't be texting when you are driving. I don't care if you wear your seatbelt or smoke in your car. That's your business. When you text and drive, it is my business because people can't do the more of the same thing at one time, it seems like. I don't really care if you talk on your phone, but I don't really think you ought to because you are not paying attention to what you;re doing on the road anyway. I think you ought to stop texting and learn how to drive and then you can keep your nose in your own business also instead of almost running over people.

Doing the right thing, vote out the burgers

While out President stands beholden to the labor unions that are preventing foreign countries from bringing in the skimming equipment necessary to help clean up the disaster in the Gulf, one has to ask themselves, just how beholden should a president be to labor union when it stops him from doing the right thing for the American people instead of driving an agenda, which for 50 percent of his speech this evening, that is all he was trying to do. He is truly following his advisors in the White House which is "Let no disaster go unused." My goodness gracious, America is going to suffer financially from the lack of oil with a 6 months shut down from 20 percent of our oil. Figure what that is going to do to the price of fuel here in America, just before winter. Yeah, he is a wonderful person when he can't bring in the equipment necessary to clean up the mess, that he, in my book, is making by doing so, Yes, people, we have a chance to clean up this mess and it is going to happen this November when we vote these burgers out.

Freedom costs... a Jeep Cherokee Sport

Surprise, surprise, June 17, 2010, a new PEW report shows little change in the Muslim world's view of the United States. Anybody surprised? Your children are going to have a better life than you had. They, the Muslims, have black gold and you have freedom because you have a Jeep Cherokee Sport. Yes, Jeep Cherokee Sports bring you freedom. Thank you.

Don't trust life to strangers

Well, it happened again yesterday, right in front of the American Furniture Store, another idiot trusted their life to total strangers and the lives of their loved ones. You cannot pull all the traffic lanes out of the American Furniture Stores driveway and then pull across and go south on the highway when there is traffic moving. I don't care whether the big truck stopped for you and waved you across. Guess what? After you got hit when you pulled out, that truck just took off. They didn't stay and fill out the police report ans say, oh, "I feel so bad. I waved you on." Do not trust your lives to total strangers, who by the way has a truck higher than the little black car that hit you. They couldn't see that car. It was in their blind spot, too. The main thing is, the light had turned green. All traffic on the highway should have been going forward, but oh, no, somebody felt sorry for you, and now, who is feeling sorry for who? You have two wrecked vehicles. I am sure your insurance company is screaming, and now you have a ticket, I am positive. Please, do not ever, ever again pull across moving traffic lanes like that. You have no place to go that is so important that it is worth the lives of your family, the personal destruction of property, and what if the person who hit you was killed? Where did you have to go that was worth another human's life? I doubt that you can answer that question. Thank you.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E: I don't owe her nothing

Me and my wife are getting a divorce and I am wanting to let everybody know that I don't owe no bills to her and I don't owe anything to her and I wish she would hurry up and start what she needs to do and I want to put this in the news sometime this week if I can and I don't owe her nothing and I am wanting the divorce.

Good Morning's Happen Everywhere!

By Kaleena 

I used to think the news was just too mundane and boring for this lively blog. However, after seeing the alternate spins that can be put on anything to make it hilarious, I've decided to try my hand at making the blunders of the world into humorous bloopers!




WOAH! Did anyone tell this bird blackface is NOT cool! It's for the birds! Oh....that's probably what he was told, come to think of it. I've never known a bird to be racist and I will be taking that to the bank!



HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Doesn't think just make all this crazy spy nonsense HILARIOUS! I mean really! This is what I always think of when I think of spies. Those old cartoony pelicans sticking dynamite into each others pants after they tricked the other into looking at a "sexy woman" pelican - which just ends up being a mop with a pretty hat! HAHAHAHAHA!!!



LOL x 1,000,000! OMG! Who the hell is still watching this!! LOL!! Seriously!? Oh wow.....I'm catching my breath. Phew! This is the greatest joke to happen in sports since - oh just watch 'Wide World of Sports' but I warn you - not EVEN close to as funny!


Oh man...my sides. I think I'm going to throw up from all the hilarity. Seriously though, soccer is awesome and birds are not racist. Visit your local library for more information on both!

One Year In Texas Talk 6-23-10

By Nate 



One Year In Texas Talk is an answering machine we have set up to our OYIT hotline. Please call in and leave an anonymous message. If we deem it worthy, it will show up in this weekly piece. Tell us what's on your mind. It doesn't even have to pertain to the website!

Vuvuzelas need to buzz off!

Hi, yeah, Texas Talk? I'm concerned about the vuvuzela things that them African people are blowing during the world cup. Now this aint about what you think. Sure they're a bother, but that's not my complaint. If you were a St. Louis Cardinal's fan during the 2005 National Championship when they played the Houston Astros you already know how annoying the bee buzzing sound can be. No, I'm more concerned about bee swarm awareness and readiness. See, I'm a bee farmer. Now when I hear a swarm of bees coming at me -- first I thank God that the bees are coming back and not disappearing -- then I run for the nearest bee suit. I know what an angry swarm of bees sound like! But after this world cup, what if a swarm of angry bees attacks a kid's league soccer game? All them soccer moms are going to look around excited to see what cheer squad soccer mom brought a mess vuvuzelas for their team only to watch in terror as her son or daughter's team and the people in the stands are attacked by bees! We need to ban these things pronto!

Does this answer your question?

Hey, d'y'all print cuss words? If'n ya do, then FUCK! hehehehehehe

Listen up, machos: stop running over turtles!

I know that I should not be the only person who is sick and tired of seeing dead turtles on the highways where these machos think they have to run over them. First of all, the turtles pull themselves back into their shells as soon as the road vibrates and there is nothing slower than something that stops, yet you still have to run over them. If this makes you feel macho, I fell sorry how your life must be. This is pathetic. It is a poor, defenseless creature. Do you know how long it takes to get to the size of one that you are killing? And I know I am not the only one, and yes, this really aggravates me. This is plain inhuman. Thank you.

No, that was Ralph Nader, and I think you actually want anarchy.

Yes, this in reference to Stop Texting and Driving. How in the world do they know that I am texting if they are paying attention to their own driving? That is the scary part. How about you pay attention to what you are doing and not what someone else is doing, and you want to talk about people talking on cell phones, you are probably one who wanted them to make us wear seat belts. Now because of you, we have to wear seat belts. And you probably will want me to stop smoking in my car next. I think we live in a democracy, not an anarchy, so get your nose out of everybody's business, keep your eyes on the road, and pay attention to what you are doing and not what someone else is doing. Thank you. Also, I will be texting when I want to.

Is that last sentence a racial slur or a death threat?

The disaster in the Gulf is bad enough with just the oil leak, but now that BP and our government has decided to burn the oil, it is sad enough with the leak, now they intend to pollute the atmosphere and spread the disaster in a global fashion. What are these idiots thinking? The atmosphere circulates the whole globe. That has been proven when sand from the Sierra and dust from China coming to America, South America, Canada, you see where I am going with this. What kind of rank amateurs are deciding what to do in the Gulf? Plug the leak and get somebody down there that knows how to clean the mess up. President Obama, you are just as burned as that post hole is going to be.

Good Morning Whales

By Keelin 



Good morning, whales. Yes, you! Now stop eating all that plankton and listen up. I read today that the Gulf Oil spill has claimed its first cetacean victim, something that article refers to as "a juvenile sperm whale" but for short, we here at OYIT will just call Bob. No doubt Bob is just the first of many whale-victims of the oil spill so I wanted to reach out to the whale community before it's too late. Plus Sarah Palin has instructed all Americans to stop talking about her breast implants and "save a whale or something." It was too late to save Bob, but surely this proclamation can help the rest of you out!

Today's Whale Forecast



I'm not gonna lie, dudes, it looks bad. There's a lot of oil swishing around and a hurricane could sweep through and froth it all up to the surface at any moment. On a positive note, the Florida tourism board assures me the state's beaches are still clean enough for drinking and taking your top off.

Today's Whale Fact



Whales are descended from land-living mammals who returned to the sea millions of years ago. To which I say: why don't you guys just get out of the water? There's less oil and way more good TV shows here on land.

Today's Prediction




In a reversal of her previous advice, Sarah Palin will start gunning down whales from a helicopter lent to her by Gov. Charlie Crist. The wolves of Alaska will let out a sigh of relief before Todd Palin runs them down with a snow machine.

Good Morning Cable and Internet

By Glenn 



Good morning. I hope you've been enjoying OYIT's readership pledge week. We aren't asking for money, but rather a dedication to reading and, if possible, insulting the many articles we continue to write for your enjoyment. My enjoyment flows through the white cable that now provides our apartment with internet and TV. The internet means I can write more articles for OYIT and cable television means I can start DVR-ing Dinosaur Train and the ten different murder shows I watch every week. So this is a great week for everyone!

[I actually don't watch any murder shows and RARELY watch Dinosaur Train. You'll understand why once you see it.]


Today's Weather
It's getting a bit hot...under the collar...for the BP executives Obama totally called out on Tuesday night! He told them in VERY strong terms that he would ask them to pay to clean up the oil spill. The oil spill is affecting us everywhere, including New York City. It's been warm here, partially because the subways are filled with a sludgy black substance that isn't the goo from Ghostbusters 2. I am having trouble coming up with weather related parables and puns, especially because we aren't in hurricane or flood seasons right now. I do not count the Arkansas floods because that state renominated Blanche Lincoln.


Today's Featured Movie

This movie "Adventureland" has created strong divisions among the movie-going public. Some of my friends said it was better than Godfather 2 and other said it was worse than Godfather 3. For what it was - a great teen romance/slice of life picture to take place in Pittsburgh over the course of a summer - I really liked it. Kristen Stewart plays Bella, her character from Twilight, and Ryan Reynolds plays another charming older man. I never experienced anything like Jesse Eisenberg does in this film, but I could have. Some bizarro Glenn probably has.


Today's Riot


So there was a free Drake concert Tuesday night in New York. They canceled it because too many people showed up and the young people who were going to enjoy songs about "Da Best" ended up rioting and killing members of the band Hanson, who were also scheduled to play. Yes, I'm talking about the Hanson brothers from Oklahoma. An odd pairing with Drake? Perhaps, but they were both teenage idols. And now Drake is the only one who survives! Lesson to be learned: never go to a Drake concert.


Today's Prediction
The next Drake concert, a free show in Detroit with Backstreet Boys, will be canceled after too many juggalos show up and Drake runs out of Faygo. To placate fans, 80s darlings The Replacements - featured perfectly in Adventureland the movie - will show up and spray the musical equivalent of Faygo, destroying the Gulf of Mexico. President Obama will do a nationally televised address from the Oval Office where he asks them to rock a little less hard.

One Year In Texas Talk 6-16-10

By Nate 



One Year In Texas Talk is an answering machine we have set up to our OYIT hotline. Please call in and leave an anonymous message. If we deem it worthy, it will show up in this weekly piece. Tell us what's on your mind. It doesn't even have to pertain to the website!

Fascism v Communism

Yeah, I wanted to call in about this a couple weeks ago, but the machine was full. Uh, there was a painting a high school kid did near me that caused a stir when it was taken down by the school. It was a pink and purple depiction of Obama with a hammer and sickle in the back ground. The school thought hanging it was a reflection on them, but by taking it down, they're now infringing on the artist's rights! This is America, and I know everybody's got their own opinion of Obama, but they've turned this communist statement into a fascist act! It's the mother of all ironies.


Link to the story.

Everybody's Barking At Me

Last week there was an advice letter from Cocolalla, Idaho, in The Mailbox of my paper, and the young lady was talking about the dogs barking in her neighborhood. I’m not sure I don’t live in her neighborhood, actually. I can’t step out on my own deck without having dogs on three sides barking at me. I’ve tried to convince them I’ve lived here since before they were born, but they don’t seem to get the message. Anyway, just wanted to comment that we do seem to have an awful lot of barking dogs in this town, and I don’t think putting shock collars on the dogs is going to do it — probably need shock collars on the people who own them.

Putting Their Faith in God and Obama

I feel like, with all the indifference going on in this world right now, there is somebody who truly loves America, and that is Barack Obama. And I, in turn, love Barack Obama. And I believe he inherited chaos to begin with. It’s not his fault. And the people who fault him are ignorant people, and I pray God’s angels would be around him to protect him and his family forevermore.

Please Don't Stop Saying It

I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Calling Margot Fonteyn a dancer is like calling Julia Child a cook. Margot Fonteyn was a prima ballerina renowned all over the world.

A 21st Century Tar-and-Feathering

I’m beginning to think if we would take all the people responsible for the spill and sit them in the oil, all covered from head to toe, maybe cleanup would happen a bit faster.

Vasectomies are like abortions because...?

I saw a letter in the paper from someone who was very much in favor of requiring that women requesting an abortion receive extensive information regarding the fetus and the procedure they were about to undertake. I’ll support that when our legislature passes a law that before a vasectomy is undertaken, the person undergoing the vasectomy has to watch a six-hour movie about the imaginary lives of all the children they won’t be able to create.

If Obama is Michael Jackson, that makes Bobby Jindal ______?

On May 11 Gov. Jindal of Louisiana called the federal government and the White House trying to get permission to build berms to protect the sensitive marshlands in Louisiana. It’s been more than three weeks, and the federal government and Obama administration haven’t done anything to issue all those permits. They’ve only gotten six approved of the 24 they applied for. If they’re trying to do everything possible to stop this catastrophe, they would allow Gov. Jindal to build those berms to protect those sensitive wildlife areas. Instead, all they do is go down there for photo opportunities, leave and go back up to Washington and party like it’s 1999.

This is turning into a whale of a debate!

Yeah, hi Texas Talk. Listen, do you think you could set me up with the person who called in about salting the great lakes? I own a salt company up-start out here in Utah and I'd be more than happy to get that contract. Thank you.
[OYIT cannot set you up because this is an anonymous line. We don't even have a caller ID log.]

Stop torturing him with your ignorance!

Why do people keep calling-in about this whale idea in Michigan? Did everyone forget their Bio 101 class in high school? Has no one been to a pet store and tried to buy saltwater fish for a freshwater tank? Didn't they stop you? Or heck, even go to an aquarium or zoo! You'll notice that they have salt and fresh water fish tanks! This is not hard to understand, people. Salting the Great Lakes has consequences! To use a quote from pop culture, "this ain't Sea World. This is as real as it gets!"

One Year In Texas Talk 6-09-10

By Nate 



One Year In Texas Talk is an answering machine we have set up to our OYIT hotline. Please call in and leave an anonymous message. If we deem it worthy, it will show up in this weekly piece. Tell us what's on your mind. It doesn't even have to pertain to the website!

So it's been a few weeks since I posted which means our machine is full. My sincerest apologies for anyone trying to call-in over the last week to talk about the Gore's breaking up, Rush Limbaugh's wedding, Blanch Lincoln's contrived southern accent, or Helen Thomas' remarks on Israel. If you call back this week, I promise to post old topics next week!

In the meantime, the whale post from last month has set off a raging debate!

Thinking Outside-of-the-Box

Thank God OYIT is providing a forum for outside-of-the-box thinking! That whale idea is stupendous, and I want to add to it. You know that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that's killing all the wildlife in the ocean? Well let's save those whales and pelicans and take them to the Great Lakes. The best part of this is that we can do it on BP's dime! This is totally in the realm of "legitimate claims" that that limy CEO is talking about. Plus, a revitalization of Michigan's car industry economy will only help BP in the long run.

Are You Serious?

This site was developing a pretty solid reputation and then you go and post shit by anonymous callers who want to put whales in the fucking Great Lakes and kill all the Muslims! Are you serious? You're just having a laugh at the dopes' expense. It's not funny. It's sad. You people are sick. I mean, salting the Great Lakes? Hello? That would do more damage than this damn oil spill ever could to the Gulf! Sit down and take this history lesson I am about to shove down your throats: after the Romans defeated Carthage in the Third Punic War they FUCKING SALTED THE FIELDS OF NORTHERN AFRICA SO NOTHING WOULD GROW!!! Salt the waters of the Great Lakes and you won't have to worry about Michigan's next governor being Canadian: he will be Momar Qadhafi!

Legalize it!

Yeah, did y'all see that clip on the internet about the SWAT team in Missouri that invaded that house and shot them dogs? Well that was pretty stupid I think. If y’all legalize marijuana, you wouldn’t have to call a SWAT team out to eradicate it and shoot innocent dogs and terrorize innocent people. Thank you. Legalize marijuana.

Context for our readers:


Another History Lesson

I think we ought to learn our lesson back in the Revolutionary War, when we fought those stinkin’, dirty British. Maybe we wouldn’t have British Petroleum spreading the biggest oil slick in the world. And we Americans should get it through our head that that’s the reason all the Muslims hate Americans — because those stinkin’ Brits over there steal everything they can get their hands on. And if there is a tea party, I damn sure don’t belong to it.

A "Colorblind" Racist?

I’m Irish. My relatives came here from Ireland in the 1800s. The only natives here are the Indians. Everybody else has an immigrant family, but we’re legal. That’s the complaint here. It’s not that they’re Mexican or Iranian or Japanese or any other race. It’s people coming here illegally. Why does that have to be spelled out like people are second-graders? These people should go through the right channels and get their papers.

Mother of All Conspiracies

Hello, Texas Talk? Yeah, I was thinking the other day when I was at the capitol building with my local group of Tea Partiers from Charleston, South Carolina, uh, you might remember the city where the first shot of the Civil War was fired at Fort Sumpter? Yeah, we'll do it again. Anyway, we was there protesting the government take over of our Medicare and Veterans' Hospitals and our Kenyan-born president when it hit me like a buckin' burrow: BP put Obama into office so they could blow up their oil rig and get away with it. Think about it. Kenya was under British control when Obama was born there. BP used to be called British Petroleum. The Brits kidnapped this Obama kid, took him to Hawaii and printed those birth announcements. They made sure he went to them Ivy League schools. How else could a poor, black kid get into those schools? Obama is the Welsh Candidate, if you've heard of that commie movie. I prefer Frank Sinatra to Denzel Washington myself, but the remake with that character as a black only makes more sense now. Don't you see? Orly Taitz is only scratching the surface. We shouldn't be worried about a Chinese flag waving over the USA. We need to worry about the Union Jack!


This photo arrived in our mailbag about the same time we received his call. He must have sent it in.

Don't Ask for a Good Morning and I Won't Tell You One

By Glenn 

Good morning. Oh damn! I just violated our official good morning policy at One Year in Texas. Since the site opened in the early 90s, we came to a compromise between those who wanted us to wish a good morning out in the open and those who thought a "good morning" column had no place on the site. Granted, the Bible and Qur'an say nothing about wishing people a "good morning." But that alone isn't a good enough reason to exclude. The overall content of the site is weaker without the ability for people to express themselves in the morning. Now that 78% of our readers are in favor of a good morning post I hope our editorial board can get together and change official policy for the good of the site and humanity.

[I hope analogies are never banned from OYIT!]


Today's Weather

Before I hear from all the weather purists out there, let me explain. I know strictly speaking this isn't "weather" because it wasn't created by god or allah. But in this world, oil is the closest thing to holy water we have. It means more. Our cars, computers and novelty sex items cannot be created or function without oil. Oil has replaced religion and I worship at the altar of many false idols, including BP. This new weather pattern of partly cloudy and creeping oil spill has sent meteorologists all over the southern US into fits of prayer - this time towards the spill instead of Jerusalem or Mecca. Maybe the force of prayer, combined with the "Top Kill" strategy will be enough to stop the oil dead in its watery tracks.


Today's Major Policy Shift


Yesterday in the House of Representatives, 229 Democrats and 5 reasonable Republicans voted in favor of repealing the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy regarding homosexual service in our armed forces. Technically, they only voted to allow a repeal 60 days after a Pentagon report on the issue certifies that it won't be disruptive. With language that timid, it'd take a real bigot to vote against yesterday's amendment. Fortunately we have 194 of them in the House right now (168 Republicans and 26 Democrats). I'm impressed when the Republican caucus in the House can string a coherent thought together, so it's not surprisingly to see them vote so overwhelmingly against such a popular, common sense measure. The 26 Democrats are all the usual idiots, mostly from the former slave-holding South and places where you can't use the term "teabagger" pejoratively. There's a joke to be made somewhere in there but I won't do it out of respect for the serious and long overdue nature of this legislative action.


Today's Liberal Organizations
Did you know that on this day in 1892 John Muir founded the Sierra Club? Did you know that on this day in 1961 a letter writing campaign began that eventually became the terrorist organization known as Amnesty International? These are two of the most important groups in America and it has to say something that, in a way, they were both "founded" on the same day. I think I prefer Amnesty because they stand up to petty tyrants and the US Government in a way I always wish I could have. But the work of the Sierra Club is still very important and even after human beings evolve to breathe oil instead of air, there will still be a need for an environmental group to change the public consciousness. I was in a group of people who toasted to Carol Burnett the other night and hope those of you are who go "drinking" tonight can raise a glass to your either the Sierra Club, Amnesty International or the Spanish Armada, which also happened today in 1588.


Today's Prediction
The Spanish Armada, which disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle over 400 years ago after being defeated by Great Britain, will appear in the Gulf of Mexico but get trapped in the massive oil spill. When word gets back to Prime Minister Zapatero, he'll start a letter writing campaign to urge the British Navy to go down to the Gulf and save his fleet. This letter writing campaign will succeed and then go on to become a Madrid-based international organization advocating for the open service of homosexual persons in the Spanish Armada, retroactive to the 16th century. Indiana Republican Mike Pence will introduce a non-binding resolution in the US House of Representatives saying the course of Western History that started with the defeat of the Spanish Armada and led to the colonization and subsequent independence of the United States of America shall not be put in jeopardy just to "advance a liberal social agenda." And most people in DC will have the politeness not to call him out on being an anti-gay bigot from Indiana.

Hot Rod's Guide to Oil Spills




By Hot Rod 


Oil spills are mother nature's way of getting oil all over everything. 'Mother nature' is what I call British Petroleum. A couple weeks ago something happened in the sea where Sarah Palin was digging for oil and all of a sudden a big oil ghost the size of Africa came out of the Earth and flooded New Orleans just like Hurricane Katrina. That's why I always say it's not a good idea to dig if you don't call Julie and ask her where the ghosts live. I'm not sure why they didn't just drill, like when they used to say 'drill baby drill'. I loved that. I say all kinds of things that way now, by taking a word, repeating it and sticking 'baby' in the middle. Just think how much more fun it is to say 'mustard, baby, mustard', than it is to say, 'all I have to eat is mustard'.

That's the secret for getting oil - you gotta drill. You can't just blow up oil rigs and fill the ocean with petroleum. Fish don't even drive cars yet. If you drill for the oil then it comes out of the Earth calmly and orderly like in a fire drill. I usually cry during fire drills, but that's just cuz my mom used to beat me whenever she heard a loud noise. Oil is a lot tougher and had better parents, so it can just deal with it and jump into oil barrels like a man. I tried to jump into an oil barrel once and it didn't go so well. But my cousin recorded it and we sent the video to the Jackass guys, and they liked it so much they sent back a box of poop.

So oil is getting all over stuff, that's not good. But Rush Limbaugh said that the ocean will just take care of it because it's as natural as the ocean water, I think he was talking about a tsunami. Anyway that's the good news. Once the ocean eats all the oil it will grow back all of the destroyed wetlands and bring all the animals back to life. I tried to bring a dead cat back to life down at the railyard, but I just ended up getting mustard everywhere. The dead cat lives under my bed now next to the box of poop.


Here are some easy tips to prevent oil spills in the future:


Take your meds. I know I always get shaky when I forget to take my meds, or when I don't take my meds on purpose so I'll be angry enough to mow the lawn. When you're shaky you spill things. When you spill things, things get spilled. It's that simple. Take your meds, oil rigs.


Hire Africa ladies. I saw on the Discovery channel before that some ladies in Africa carry big things of water on top of their heads. It seems like if you carry things higher the less likely it is that they will spill. Also the Africa ladies have really good balance because they have to walk carefully so they don't get AIDS. Just have all the Africa ladies carry the oil barrels on their heads. That way everyone wins, because the oil doesn't get spilled, and there are a lot more nutrients in oil than there is in water to feed the starving Africans.


Perform an exorcist. One of the most common pitfalls in oil extraction is the ghost attack. People are too busy in this modern world with their ipads and their microwaves to worry about ghosts. Well, Mr. scientist what do you think powers all of your modern devices? That's right, oil. And you have to fight an army of ghosts to get it. Hire a team of exorcisors to combat this problem before it gets out of hand. If you don't, you'll end up with a situation like we have today where ghosts are running rampant and throwing oil on all of the seagulls.

Smoke pot. Abraham Lincoln always used to say 'Live. Laugh. Love' and he smoked pot. I think if we all smoked pot the world would be a better place because we would laugh a lot more; we would love a lot more, especially things like mustard sandwiches; and we would live a lot more because marijuana cures all of those diseases. It may not especially help us to not spill oil, but when I smoke pot the ghosts that usually harass me and tell me to commit acts of violence, chill out and go sit in the corner and read Dr. Seuss books. It makes me jealous because I wish I could read.

Use alternative energy. If we did this then we wouldn't need oil or the evil ghosts that accompany it. People use a lot of windmills and turbines and things to harness naturally occurring energy sources. One thing that I would invent is a punching bag generator. The way it would work is that you pour oil into the spout at the top and then punch the punching bag until the oil turns into wind. I know it's a little far-fetched, but we're talking about the future. We have the technology, all we need is the courage.

There you go my courageous oil spillers. Keep your gullets clean and your ghosts buried far beneath the sea. Until next time, I'll be stealing mustard packets from the Dairy Queen to feed to my pet cat, Bleedy.