Good Morning "Law and Order" Haters

By Keelin 

People, did you hear? "Law and Order," the pioneering television drama which is the only reason 90% of all Americans know anything about their own legal system, has been canceled after twenty short seasons. Do you think you or Antonin Scalia would know all the words in the Miranda warning without this amazing program? I sincerely doubt it.

As we bid farewell to the show, let's also look back at some of the great things it brought to American culture.

1. Lesson: All Manhattan Assistant District Attorneys Are Ladies

Seriously, every last one. Of course, they always depart under mysterious circumstances.

2. Employment for Thousands of New York's Loser Actors

Have you ever been to the Big Apple? Did you call it that when you went? That figures.

Well, one thing New York has in common with Los Angeles is its legions of unemployed and only marginally talented actors. The theaters and strip clubs simply cannot keep these people employed!

Luckily, "Law and Order," one of the few TV shows that shoots in the city, kept these men and women busy as drug dealers, pimps, and abusive parents for two solid decades. The end of "Law and Order" will be as tragic for these actors as the end of WWII was for the Hitler Youth.

3. Reminders of Newsworthy Crimes as Soon as We Had Managed to Forget Them

You know how sometimes a crime happens and the news reports on it? Yes, like when JonBenet Ramsey was killed or that other thing that happened? No sooner does our nation piece back together its tattered psyche than "Law and Order" broadcasts an episode copying all the details and proclaiming the result to be "ripped from the headlines." This is truly a public service like no other.

The past few seasons they even had a character based on Eliot Spitzer. In the show, his wife ruthlessly murders someone who poses a political risk to her husband. I'm sure Silda Spitzer enjoyed that immensely!

4. Filled American Minds With Unrealistic Ideas About New York Real Estate

I lived in Manhattan for five years. It was cramped and expensive, even for me, a fancy white lady. Yet whenever those lovable cops on "Law and Order" barnstorm some single mother's apartment, it turns out to have the square footage of Tara. Then the cops say, "This place is a dump!" It's actually about $1.7 million of space in a prime upper Westside pre-war but with, like, shabby curtains.

And thus were born a million dreams across the Midwest of "making it" in New York. Who will encourage those hopelessly destructive ambitions now? It's all on you, Carrie Bradshaw.


  1. This is great. I love when Good Morning articles don't adhere to a format (thus making them not good morning articles).

    Law & Order wasn't on as long as The Simpsons, which is my favorite place to see parodies of my favorite brutal crimes.

  2. This show was the only place in America where uppity prep school teens got their comeuppance. Same with uppity artists and uppity bankers. Who will lay down the cosmic justice now?

  3. This was a perfect send-off to Law 'n' Order. Thanks Keelin!!

  4. this article is like porn to me.

  5. Keelin, you failed to mention that NBC has picked up Law & Order: Los Angeles for the fall.