Debate: Is New York a Safe Place to Live?

By Jake & Glenn 

New York City is the biggest and most famous town in America besides Clearwater, Florida. While the latter is the headquarters of Scientology, the former is the headquarters of everything else. NYC is the cultural and financial capital of the United States, and has the murder rate to show it. As Mayor from 1994 to 2001, Rudy Giuliani did much to bring down this murder rate including hiring more racist police officers and single-handedly stopping 9/11. But is this "Windy City" truly safe to work and live? Many rich people think no and buy houses in New Jersey or Connecticut, but other rich people say yes and live in lovely lofts in Manhattan. As usual, the only way for us to really know if New York City is a safe place is by debating it on the internet.

Jake: I must admit that I have yet to grace New York with my presence, yet I feel as if I have been living there for 1,000 years. I know that there are homeless people and nobody likes them. If you are great at graffiti and dancing you will become a hero among your peers. But not all I know about New York is based on the movie Rooftops. If you open your mouth while walking on the street people will try to spit into it. Plus, you have to walk because cars are basically illegal. This is where Glenn is moving. New fucking York: where people hate everything and nobody speaks English, not even cab drivers! This city is going to eat you alive like you were Tynisha Ysais and it were Big Lurch. I hope you don't like your lungs, bro!

Glenn: I would like to point out that Big Lurch committed his heinous - yet under the circumstances, justifiable - crime in Los Angeles, California! Other famous California murders include those by the Manson family and the decapitation of Gray Davis's political career by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Other famous killers - Ted Bundy, Dennis Rader, Gary Ridgeway and George Bush - have been based in other parts of this country. I'm not arguing there has never been a murder in New York City, but it is far from the most dangerous place in America. For the time period of 2000-2010, both Disneyland and Disneyworld had more rapes and aggravated assaults, per capita, than New York. Yet I know if I said I was moving to Disneyland to start my career as a costumed character, there wouldn't be such outrage. That's an unfair double standard.

Jake: That's the thing about double standards: they're always unfair. Sadly, this is not a debate about whether double standards are fair, but it is one about New York being unsafe. While I also can think of places to live that are far more dangerous to live than New York, it doesn't mean that it's safe. I'm not worried about you getting work, because you have a great resume and can easily obtain a job as a pedicab driver. My concern is over your eventual rape and murder. Notice that I didn't say "potential" in that last sentence, that's because you will be raped and murdered if you move to New York. They call getting raped and murdered a New York handshake where I come from.

Glenn: As we learned from the series finale of Six Feet Under, everyone dies. What matters is what happens between now and that point. We're all going to end up murdered in the era of Gulf oil spills, Republican resurgence and SB 1070. I don't think New York City is going to be the place where I die nor will it be where you die. More that point, why would people raise their children there if it was so unsafe? I can't even count on two hands the number of people I know who've grown up in New York City. This isn't just because of that Midwestern fireworks accident in high school, but rather due to the overwhelming number of children born, raised or brought to the city each year. If it was as unsafe as you say it is, wouldn't parents who brought their children there be guilty of some conservative-inspired law banning mothers from bringing their children across state lines to destroy them?

Jake: I've heard the albums of the Wu-Tang Clan and their stories of the Shaolin ninjas roaming the streets of the city. If there are ninjas then you're not safe-- unless the ninjas are on your side. You and I know that they are not. New York City is "ground zero" of the biggest crime of all time: the World Trade Center attack of September 11th, 2001. We are nearing the 10 year anniversary and you know those mixed up terrorists are planning some sort of jihad to commemorate it. In fact, some dunce just tried to blow up New York with a bomb made of feces, hay and flat RC Cola. Luckily, he failed this time. Faisal Shahzad is no Eric Robert Rudolph or even Richard Jewel. I just have one last thing to say: there's a reason that New York City is shaped like a bear trap; once you step into it the rusty teeth sink deep in your flesh leaving you helpless lying on the street bleeding while homeless people take turns urinating on your writhing body. Have fun in New York, Glenn. Don't forget to iron your shirts.

Glenn: If we live our lives in fear of an attack, the terrorists win. If we launch wars to kill Muslims and inspire others to their cause, the terrorists win. If we abandon the principles of our legal system to imprison accused terrorists forever without a trial, the terrorists win. My point is, they've ALREADY won. I'm at peace with my own mortality and I hope the Times Square bomb that kills me does so after I've already made it big with Stephen as the new, younger, hipster versions of the "Naked Cowboy." The worst thing to affect New York City in the past two hundred years were the 1863 Draft Riots. Those are now an anachronism as we no longer have a draft and instead of fighting the Confederacy we venerate it as the only "real" political culture. Think of New York as the Noah's Ark of humanity. In no other city are there at least two of every race, species, color and ethnicity. God has put them all together there so when the rest of the world is destroyed, NYC will remain and repopulate the earth. I feel safe with that protection, but just to be sure I will visit David Berkowitz in prison and ask him where the rest of his cult members are. Then I will destroy them. One Summer of Sam is enough - let this be the Summer of Glenn (in a somewhat similar context)!

Read More

Good Morning "Law and Order" Haters

By Keelin 

People, did you hear? "Law and Order," the pioneering television drama which is the only reason 90% of all Americans know anything about their own legal system, has been canceled after twenty short seasons. Do you think you or Antonin Scalia would know all the words in the Miranda warning without this amazing program? I sincerely doubt it.

As we bid farewell to the show, let's also look back at some of the great things it brought to American culture.

1. Lesson: All Manhattan Assistant District Attorneys Are Ladies



Seriously, every last one. Of course, they always depart under mysterious circumstances.

2. Employment for Thousands of New York's Loser Actors



Have you ever been to the Big Apple? Did you call it that when you went? That figures.

Well, one thing New York has in common with Los Angeles is its legions of unemployed and only marginally talented actors. The theaters and strip clubs simply cannot keep these people employed!

Luckily, "Law and Order," one of the few TV shows that shoots in the city, kept these men and women busy as drug dealers, pimps, and abusive parents for two solid decades. The end of "Law and Order" will be as tragic for these actors as the end of WWII was for the Hitler Youth.

3. Reminders of Newsworthy Crimes as Soon as We Had Managed to Forget Them



You know how sometimes a crime happens and the news reports on it? Yes, like when JonBenet Ramsey was killed or that other thing that happened? No sooner does our nation piece back together its tattered psyche than "Law and Order" broadcasts an episode copying all the details and proclaiming the result to be "ripped from the headlines." This is truly a public service like no other.

The past few seasons they even had a character based on Eliot Spitzer. In the show, his wife ruthlessly murders someone who poses a political risk to her husband. I'm sure Silda Spitzer enjoyed that immensely!

4. Filled American Minds With Unrealistic Ideas About New York Real Estate



I lived in Manhattan for five years. It was cramped and expensive, even for me, a fancy white lady. Yet whenever those lovable cops on "Law and Order" barnstorm some single mother's apartment, it turns out to have the square footage of Tara. Then the cops say, "This place is a dump!" It's actually about $1.7 million of space in a prime upper Westside pre-war but with, like, shabby curtains.

And thus were born a million dreams across the Midwest of "making it" in New York. Who will encourage those hopelessly destructive ambitions now? It's all on you, Carrie Bradshaw.

Read More

Talkin' New York

By Glenn 



New York City has changed a lot since I last visited in May 2001. A symbol of financial prowess and American decadence no longer exists - and with its disappearance came a renewed introspective outlook on life and certainly what it means to be a New Yorker. But whatever you think of old Yankee stadium, it's destruction pales in comparison to the terrorist attacks of 9-11. I remember eating dinner with my family at the top of the World Trade Center in the late 1990s. We couldn't get into Windows of the World on the 106th and 107th floor so we had to eat Pizza Hut instead. It wasn't the "authentic" World Trade Center experience but it still affected me greatly.

Technically I was here one other time in the past nine years, but a Megabus brought me and upon arrival I was immediately whisked away for an evening across the river in New Jersey. My emotions were the same as the immigrants arriving at Ellis Island over a century ago, except my disappointment was missing an Oasis concert at Madison Square Garden - not the death of my first born son on the long voyage to the new country.

This time Oasis weren't playing, I skillfully avoided New Jersey and I was unencumbered by the shame of traveling with my parents. Stepping off the plane at Laguardia, I broke both of my legs (we hadn't yet reached the terminal) but it didn't phase me. I was too excited to be back and I knew I'd have time to heal on the $40 taxi ride into the city. I was only outside the airport briefly before getting into a cab but it was long enough to feel the wondrous chill of NYC in February: air not cold enough to anecdotally disprove global warming but not warm enough to associate with Spring's renewal.

First stop was the Upper West Side, near Columbia University. This is where my sister became a lawyer and where hundreds of college students, each day, experiment with LSD for the first time. Stuart and I walked past tons of places that I wanted to enter because through the window I could see "young people" or "college students." We ended up going to a small Mediterranean restaurant. Stuart sat at the bar with me while I devoured a delicious falafel sandwich with hummus. Afterward we went to what Stu called a bar where people to go to sleep with Columbia girls. We ended up having a threesome with the entire band Vampire Weekend - Columbia's most famous alumni that I count as one because that's how many times I've seen them in concert.

The next day I got to experience a wider breadth of New York City through bus and subway rides. We saw where John Lennon was shot, where Giuliani cleaned up the streets and Central Park. The first made me sad, the second made me angry and the third made me happy we were seeing it from a bus window and not while jogging. Going through the heart of the city, Times Square, memories of earlier trips rushed forth through my head like screaming teenage girls at a filming of the nearby now deceased Total Request Live. Do the bright lights and Asian photographers define the city? Every New Yorker would answer something different, as we found out after registering for photography, Asian studies and lightology classes at CUNY.

Have you ever been to a fancy restaurant? I hadn't until I went to Tabla, which is a place in New York that sells "Indian Fusion." Think of jazz fusion, but in food form and with a Hindi twist! It was overpriced, granted, but what kind of fusion product isn't? The most important part of the meal was the company I was with: a collection of army veterans, college drop-outs, princesses, reporters, and Ralph Lauren employees that represent some of my closest friends. We spent the entire evening talking about favorite memories from Family Ties and our time at the University of Missouri, where we all graduated summa cum-laude. Though I was in New York it felt like being back in the womb (or some other place that people usually think of as comfortable and familiar).

The next day was much more comfortable for me as I got to see a celebrity, a sky walk, and a famous New York City area. The celebrity was Ethan Hawke, the "sky walk" was actually Highline Park and the famous New York City area was the East River, where we put Ethan Hawke's body after we ran into him at Highline Park. Scott also brought me to Union Square, where Godzilla was filmed and where a crazy woman screamed at us. (It turned out to be Kirsten Gillenbrand campaigning for US Senate.) Union Square is the like the less touristy version of Times Square.

Tuesday night we went to Spanish Harlem to watch LOST, the show that in New York is named "Long Island" and subtitled in Yiddish. I thought of the Bob Dylan song "Spanish Harlem Incident" and the lyric "I am homeless, come and take me // Into reach of your rattling drums." This was probably because a homeless person was following me as I got off the subway and walked to Jon's apartment. The LOST episode was the best of the season thus far, and to celebrate we all had a glass of wine. I invited the homeless man up to join us and it turned out to be Bob Dylan himself.

This segues perfectly into Wednesday, my final day in the city that never sleeps. This was the day that Maddie took me on a tour of her bohemian neighborhood. I saw Bob Dylan's apartment! And the Stonewall Inn where the Stonewall Riots of 1969 ignited the "modern gay movement." Thinking about these two Greenwich Village landmarks I was wistful for days gone by that I never lived myself. Who is our generation's Bob Dylan? What is our generation's Stonewall?

I guess I could have been experiencing this in any city: in Chicago, it would have been "what is our generation's Mrs. O'Leary's Cow?"; in DC, "what is our generation's burning down the White House?"; even in Detroit, "what is our generation's ICP?" But there's something unique about these New York icons that makes the feeling that much more visceral. I could imagine Bob Dylan almost 50 years ago walk out of his apartment, look out onto the filthy-but-not-yet-the-modern-kind-of-filthy streets and write "Talkin' New York." Now I can't even imagine [insert famous and current New York based artist who has integrity and limited but sustained popular appeal] writing [insert iconic song from said artist].

---

My New York City trip is probably best compared to the blackout of 2003 (pictured above). It short and sweet, doing everything I wanted to happen and seeing everyone I wanted to see. The only problem is that, like the blackout of '03, it felt like it had been done better and more intense before I even got there. In the blackouts of '65 and '77, people died. People rioted. Bob Dylan wrote songs and the Talking Heads released their debut album, respectively. I'm not as scared to live in New York after this visit and deeply love the people I know there now.

You can't get a true feel for a place just from visiting for four days, but I think I got close. I walked to Dunkin Donuts. I took the subway. I ate at Subway. I converted to Judaism. Most importantly, I got to spend time with people who truly live in New York the right way. It's an expensive place (like most of our biggest cities) but probably has enough going for it to justify living there, which I request that we all do by the end of the year. Hopefully this article gave you a good idea of why people like me visit New York City. It's the same reason the Republican Party held their convention there in 2004: craven desire to score political points off of innocent blood.

Read More