Facebook Testimonies

By Jake 

Facebook is a social networking site that allows users to connect with and friend people they didn't talk to in high school. Nearly everybody is on Facebook, but what of the few people who swear by MySpace or Friendster or just haven't signed up yet? Perhaps they don't realize what they're missing. I'm assuming everybody who doesn't have a Facebook account reads One Year in Texas-- afterall we do average 80 readers a day. I have provided these non-users with some positive testimonies about Facebook that will hopefully put their minds at ease and encourage them to sign up. Perhaps you will find them entertaining even if you do have a Facebook account.

"I used to have trouble remembering my wife's birthday. Every year it was the same. I'd wake up and she'd be staring expectedly at me, waiting for a thoughtful gift. I'd tell her that I wasn't going to give it to her until after the romantic dinner I had planned for her and head to work. Then I'd forget it was her birthday again. We'd end up eating at Denny's. As she wept into her Moons over My Hammy, I would hand her my gift-- an electronic pencil sharpener. It was the only thing I could find. What made it a terrible gift was that she only used pens-- I should have gotten her pens. Now, thanks to Facebook, I get a reminder a few days before her birthday. This year I took her on a cruise and gave her a trophy for being a loving wife and our marriage has never been better! Facebook, you are the greatest!"
-Thomas Seymour, 46, Summerville, TN

"Growing up in the city, I never really understood how farming worked. I'd see produce at the market and scoff. I'd say things like 'this came from the dirt, big deal' and 'who gives a shit about farmers.' I was a real asshole. Then my Mom made fun of me for not having a Facebook account, so I signed up. Now I sit at my desk for an hour every day playing the Farmville application. It helped me get in touch with middle America and the struggle of the farmer. I am currently donating 10% of my wages to Farm Aid. Thanks to Facebook and its applications I understand the plight of the American farmer."
-Bertram Woodbar, 31, Indigo, CT

"I have never been able to get very close to people. I'm just really shy and would get embarrassed whenever I start to talk to anybody. I felt like nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say. I joined Facebook out of curiousity. It seemed like everybody was doing it and how could everybody be wrong? Within a week I had 40 friends! I couldn't believe my eyes and I have excellent vision. My self esteem started to rise like a Chinese sun. Soon I was going outside and chatting up my overweight neighbor. I blushed a little, but not too much. Facebook gave me the confidence to connect with the outside world. People are usually so down on the internet because they think it keeps you inside, but I'm the proof that it gets you outside more often."
-Sarah Farkle, 26, Earl Grey, MO

"People were warning me when I signed up for Facebook that it was highly addictive. I used to be hooked on Lady H-- that's heroin for you not in the know-- and it destroyed my life. My wife left me and took our infant daughter with her. Now my daughter is seven and I haven't seen her in years. I can keep up with her through the photos on my ex-wife's Facebook page. I can also get really jealous over the guys she dates. Guess what, I super poke the living shit out of them and that's like punching somebody in the real world. Without Facebook I wouldn't know anything about my beautiful little girl and I would be in jail for throwing molotov cocktails through my ex-wife's boyfriends' windows. Facebook is keeping me out of jail and stopping me from chasing the dragon."
-Sully Franklin, 38, Largo, IN


  1. I can really identify with Sarah in MO. Facebook has allowed me to find other drum circle enthusiasts and we go out and form circles all over the place like parks, street corners, river banks, and our dealer's basement.

  2. This was hilarious. AND informative! I think I might start a Facebook account now myself!!

  3. So that's who's been super poking me and man does it suck!

    This was fantastic!

  4. more of this please. maybe twitter testimonies next?

  5. I know I already said this, but this was really great