Good Morning Divorcés

By Keelin 

Sigh. Oh, good morning. I guess.

I apologize in advance if this good morning is only an adequate one. I'm not my usual jubilant self ever since my two favorite quasi-celebrity couples decided to jettison 54 combined years of marriage for what I can only imagine will be years of debauchery and carnal waywardness. (If country music is to be believed, though, Jesus is at the end of that path of sin -- like, to save you from it, not to participate in it.)

On Tuesday, Al and Tipper Gore, the Captain and Tennille of political life, announced they were divorcing after 40 years of marriage. Then yesterday, famed "Saved by the Bell" thespian Mark-Paul Gosselaar said he and his wife, some lady, are breaking up too! (Actually, I read on reliable gossip websites that her name is Lisa Ann Something -- I assume they bonded over the fact that they both have two first names. Apparently, that's only enough for 14 years of matrimonial bliss.) I haven't been this heartbroken since I found out Robert Pattinson is dating all of the Jonas Brothers.

Today's Weather

Rain, endless rain that poetically conveys my inner turmoil over the state of America's celebrity marriages. Can't any of my favorite couples stay together? Tiger and Elin Woods? Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head? Anyone?

Today's Movie

"The Gay Divorcée" is a film from a more wholesome time, when people settled their differences with ballroom dance and women were still getting used to this "voting" thing. Don't be confused by the title: this movie was made before the homosexual lobby stole the word "gay" from innocent Americans who were simply cheerful.

Today's Prediction

Al Gore will try internet dating under the Sarah Palin-inspired moniker ExtremeGreenie101. Meanwhile, Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski will re-unite on the Hawaiian beach immortalized in the "Saved by the Bell" TV movie. And everyone will be happy again.


  1. If Zack and Kelly got back to together I would write the longest Saved by the Bell article yet!

    Keelin, I loved this. It was so funny.

  2. I wish ballroom dancing could solve my problems too

  3. Bub have you actually tried it?

  4. ummm lol robert pattinson is not dating the jo bros wat r u talkin bout