Tuesday Debate: Hot Rod v. Hot Rod - Is God Our President?

By Hot Rod 

Hot Rod: Many people like to debate Hot Topics. I usually just go there for my wallet chains. But I will debate a less hot but still interesting question: Is God our President? The answer is yes. It says so on our money, and in our national anthem. Plus God is President of the Bible. He is the creator of all things - from crappy things like drunk moms, to awesome things like Slayer. How could he possibly create Slayer and not be president? That just wouldn't be democratic. My uncle Barney tells me that's what our country is about - democracy. And what I've gathered from him that democracy means is that everybody has to read the Bible or leave our country. I don't want to leave our country and go somewhere like Afghanistan or Paris where they kill you if you believe in God. If you DON'T believe in God HE will kill you! So that would be a pretty sticky situation, much like my drawer full of empty freezie pop wrappers.

Hot Rod: I respect your point, sir, but I will respectually disagree. That is not what democracy is at all. Democracy is when there's a country with mostly white people and they get to tell everybody else what to do. Otherwise people would just play basketball and baseball and kung fu all day and no one would go to work at the freezie pop factory. If the country doesn't have mostly white people, then they probably don't have a freezie pop factory, and we don't really need to pay attention to it.

Hot Rod: I resent your disdain for 'people of color' and your disdain for sticking to the debate subject. Freezie pops aren't all that matter in this world. The Bible tells us so. There's a lot more stuff the Bible says to worry about, like if God will tell your dad to break out of prison and come home and murder you like he did mom's boyfriend. Also, the Bible says Jesus is love, and that he wore night gowns and flip flops all the time, and he hated gay people. There is not one mention of 'people of color' in the Bible, so they, like dinosaurs must have never existed. Or at least not to the extent that God is not President.

Hot Rod: I think you are imitating that our real president - Barack Obama - who is as you insensitively put it a 'person of color' can't be president because he doesn't exist. Even is you are born in Iraq, like President Obama, you are still a real person, and we should not bomb you or say you don't get to be our president. Sadaam Hussein was a pretty bad guy, but he had an admirable moustache. Jesus and Osama Bin Laden look IDENTICAL to me, in my hallucinations. And you know who has the best beard of them all? That's right, God. Which is why he is our president.

Hot Rod: Hold on a second, 'people of color' is not a bad thing to say. They are MUCH cooler than you or I. They make fancy music about drinking vodkas out of crystal schooners, and they have luxurious cars that make you feel bad about yourself when they drive by and call you 'fagot'. But, that's not all - they are ALSO our president, Barack Obama; our heroes, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, LeBron James, Shakira, Limp Bizkit, the list goes on. Just because none of them are in Slayer doesn't mean that your uncle is right and that racism is OK. It's not, and if God were president he would see to it that racism didn't exist, and neither should your uncle.

Hot Rod: That's a very valid point. I think I know a way to end racism and make both God & Barack Obama the president.

Hot Rod: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Hot Rod: Yea dude! Let's go to Aldi and get some freaking freezie pops!!

Hot Rod: I was thinking of killing uncle Barney.

Hot Rod: Oh. I don't know. You're always thinking that. It's probably just because he abused you all those years growing up.

Hot Rod: Yea, you're probably right, let's go to Aldi for some freezie pops!



  1. Haha, Hot Rod, this is your highest rate of freezie pop mentions per post yet.

  2. haha, awww hot rod! forget about what i told that homeless man outside of my apartment last night -- YOU are my favorite schizophrenic.

  3. This was very funny. I was at Beth's last night and she read this aloud for Kal and I. She did an impression of what she though Hot Rod sounds like and it was great.