Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XVII]

By Katy 

Hi Katy,
I am now in the hunt for an apartment. Don't worry - I always eat an apartment after I kill it lol. Anyway, do you have any tips for this? I don't want to have to live with a lot of people, but I also don't want to be paying a shitload of money for a place I promise I will never even go to the bathroom in.
-Arnie the Apartment Hunter

Hi Arnie,

It seems the time of year for new apartmenting. I've already enlisted myself as an executive apartment finder for TWO people in the last two weeks. These are two people who look at a computer and shutter. Then cry. Then look at me and panic. The idea of finding an apartment, to these people, involves:

1.) Going outside.
2.) Talking to people in person.
3.) Filling out PAPER applications (I know, right? Just wait...)
4.) PHYSICALLY ENTERING the building of the gas/electric company to sign up for an account.
5.) Paying their friends in beer and pizza to help them move in.

Painfully archaic, isn't it? These saps are probably also the people using their car phones to call 411 and check the price of a pair of "slacks" at Sears.

But you, Arnie, are clearly ahead of the game. You e-mailed me this question so I know your knowledge of computer usage isn't completely lacking. However, what sort of apartment you're looking for and why you're going to eat it is sort of out of my realm of helpitude here. I deal in pretty traditional 1-4 bdrm apartment pursuits and have thus far not run across the fabled "gingerbread house" of apartment complexes.

What you should probably do is really think about the apartment you want, perhaps mention that having a toilet on the premises is a strict waste of square footage, and put an ad on Craigslist under the housing section titled:

WANTED: SINGLE CELLED, PADDED WALLS, DAILY FOOD DELIVERY, NO FUCKING TOILET--IMMEDIATE AVAILABILITY

You'll get some kind of hit I'm sure.

Hello "Katy,"
I've noticed that your advice resembles Ann Landers's advice column (http://www.creators.com/advice/classic-ann-landers.html). Have you been stealing from the greatest gift god gave to the world?
-Wondering Wendy

Hello "Wendy,"

How dare you...

No. How FUCKING dare you not only insinuate that I would steal advice, vehicles, personal data, bank information, or literary stylings from "Ann Landers," but you have the goram gall to link me to her advice column as if I wasn't thoroughly knowledgeable and aware of one of the most influential predecessors of my field.

Don't think for a second I haven't run into "Ann Landers" at advice column workshops. Workshops I teach, and "Ann Landers" attends. That's right. Who is stealing what from whom now? "Ann Landers" can't even use a computer, did you know that? And not because Ruth Crowley is fucking dead, but because Esther Lederer was so busy orchestrating the murder of Madalyn Murray O'Hair that she never got around to a keyboarding class.

I created advice columns. Did your "Ann Landers" tell you that? Did you know prior to my birth in 1932, females were banned from giving advice or any kind; even if it was about the most successful way to roll out the topping of an apple pie? I bet you didn't. I bet you could learn a lot from attending one of my workshops. I bet you'd be better off wondering somewhere else you trollop-y slutbag.

hi k8eee,
its kitten again. did u watch teen choice awards they were pretty kewl lol. gossip girl 1 best tv thing is it good? ive never seen it. do u agree wit da winners?
kitt

Hi kitten,

I haven't had television for two years, and I haven't watched the Teen Choice Awards since never, so I can definitely say with some satisfaction and certainty that I did not catch the event this year, though the front page of my local paper had quite a write up on the scene that took place between Zac Efron and Justin Bieber.

If I remember correctly, Efron was quoted as yelling out at the end of Bieber's preformance saying, "Yo, Justin. You suck, man. Also, you're kind of feminine and your music is only mildly catchy!"

Efron was then seen running from the venue muttering, "I'm not gonna stop, that's who I am. I'll give it all I got, that is my plan. Realize on what I lost, You know you can."

Then there was some run over into how Chicagoians are ruining Iowa, but that's The Gazette for you. I think it tied into how Chicagoians are ruining the Teen Choice Awards. For the sake of yourself and all of America I hope that's not true.

'Til next time kitten, keep growing up into a beautiful specimen of a girl.