Good Morning Brains

By Keelin 

Good morning, brains. Congratulations -- you are the only organ in the human body that can read and enjoy OYIT (pending FDA approval of the new consciousness-enhancing drug for spleens).

It's been a week of shocking news for the body's third most important part. For all you aimless twenty-somethings, we learned that your listless, pathetic ways aren't your fault but simply a function of cortical development. So don't feel bad the next time your parents pay your rent and you spend the day reading Craigslist Missed Connections. It's what your brain wants!

We also learned that football is bad for your brain, a fact you can confirm by attending your high school reunion and finding out what your school's former quarterback is up to.

Today's Brain Forecast

Keep your head warm -- brains hate the cold! Oh, wait, your brain has no nerve endings, so it can't sense temperature or pain. In that case, do whatever you want.

Today's Brain Fact

"Experts" say we may be able to reverse engineer a human brain by the year 2020! The first brain we'll try to re-create? Famed reality show personality Kim Kardashian.

Today's Famous Brain

After the death of noted Soviet leader and premature baldy Vladimir Lenin, scientists removed his brain to examine it for signs of genius. Which is exactly what they found, if by "genius" you mean "neurosyphilis."

Today's Brain Prediction

No matter how many artificial improvements you make to your brain, your neighbor will still beat you at Settlers of Catan.


  1. What is Settlers of Catan?

    Also, I bought Lenin's brain when Russia had their fire sale of state assets in the early 90s.

  2. I was too distracted by the roundness of that girl's butt to focus on smart, big words. CURSE YOU UNDERDEVELOPED TWENTY-SOMETHING BRAIN!

  3. Haha, Katy and I were both distracted by Kardashian's large ass. If I didn't have brain damage from playing flag football at my family reunion I probably would have gotten the jokes in this article.

  4. It's not my neighbor i have to worry about, but my brother and his Settlers of Catan expansion set.

  5. is that a REAL PICTURE of kim kardashian??