Carl Paladino's 30 Second Book Reviews

By Bryan 

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

I really liked this book. A soaring tale about the actual truth of the American dream, and what it takes to achieve it, it's rare I find a book where I feel so in touch and "tuned-in" to the hero. Tom Buchanan is truly an everyman, the representation of America's noble ideals and her willingness to reward those who work to earn it. Kudos to Fitzgerald for not chickening out and going with that typical "Lost Generation" ending of the protagonist losing his way and the reader being left with all sorts of moral ambiguity. Tom gets the girl, the money, and the happiness, and that's just how we, as the readers, want it to be.

That Gatsby guy was kinda faggy, though.

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Basically, Sylvia Plath takes around 300 pages to say what I've been saying my entire adult life: Bitches be crazy. I would have liked to have learned more about Betsy, honestly, she sounded hot, and wasn't a nutcase, to boot. At least she was excited to be in New York City, greatest city in the world!

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

I could really relate to Holden Caulfield. Not because of all that angsty stuff, I didn't really understand much of that, and he cursed way too much for a young man, but we both grew up in private schools, and that weirdo Mr. Antolini really creeped me out, too. I mean, what kind of man brushes a kid's hair like that? I'm not saying I hate him or anything, I just think Mr. Antolini could probably be much more successful if he cut out the weird stuff. Other than that, it was a fun read, but I was hoping it was about baseball (Go Yankees, world champs!).

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Pretty much the worst thing I've ever read. I got a couple of laughs from that Lord Wotton, though. Queers are always good at sarcasm. TOO good, if you ask me. You know what I mean.

The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison

I loved this book. LOVED IT! What a wonderful, heartfelt telling of what can only be the greatest expression of love a mother can show a child: not aborting in the case of rape AND incest. Pecola is a protagonist that more mothers in this country could learn from, knowing that this gift her father gave her through his uncontrolled passion was the most precious blessing from God, something she couldn't even ASK for. While I don't know what to make of the child dying during childbirth, I can only imagine God knows the horrible household a poor, black single-parent family would have provided, and protected the child from such a life. Still, Pecola (and to a lesser extent, her father Cholly) must be applauded for her bravery and purest love for her little angel. Oh, and their last name is Breedlove, how neat!


  1. Hey, I've read some of those books! Great article. Glad you're back, Bryan.

  2. Even though I haven't read any of these books, I feel they are worse now that Carl Paladino has spoken about them. Fuck CP.

  3. Thank you, Jake. I will try to keep our former romantic entanglement out of this.

    And Glenn, at least he's READ A BOOK YOU PHILISTINE!

  4. is it just me, or does carl paladino seem kinda homophobic?

  5. That's just how real men talk, Maddie. Like Andrew "Dice" Clay and Snoop Dogg.