Showing posts with label Bryan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bryan. Show all posts

Tweets of the Week (Election Edition)

By OYIT Staff (featuring special guests)

We decided that tweets of the week should be spun off into its own article.  Why? Because we could use some filler!  If you have any ideas for filler, please leave a comment.  If you don't have any ideas, you can still leave a comment.  It would be wonderful to hear from you after our recent falling out.























































OYIT Tweet Round Up

Compiled by Jake

Special shout out to the hottest Spiderman costume this year:





















Things That I've Found Don't Mix Well With Xanax



By Bryan

  • Whiskey
  • Driving
  • Public Speaking
  • One Fat Tire
  • Two Fat Tires
  • Family BBQs
  • Neighborhood BBQs
  • Random BBQs I've wandered into under the influence of Xanax
  • Three Fat Tires
  • (Strangely, Four Fat Tires works out pretty well)
  • Sex
  • Listening to Live Music
  • Linear Algebra
  • Five Fat Tires
  • Masturbation
  • Facebook
  • Performing Live Music
  • Twitter
  • Bowling
  • Friendster
  • Relationships
  • YouTube (just trust me on this one)
  • Scrabble
  • Six Fat Tires
  • Writing Articles for the Internet

Debate: Meaning in Life?

By Glenn and Bryan

The most important question philosophers and televangelists can answer is the meaning of life.  They've never been able to but in this special debate for existential week, Bryan and Glenn finally answer it.  No more wondering.


Glenn: Every day of my life I wake up and hope there's a reason to get out of bed. Some sort of larger meaning, a point to all the pointless bullshit that comprises our day to day lives. But there isn't. Even though people search for meaning and think they find it in coffee, habitual marijuana usage and listening to chillwave, it's all a facade. We are animals who were created on accident and thus nothing we do can ever be right or wrong. That’s why I listen to Thom Yorke’s solo stuff and smoke pot.


Bryan: Well that’s where I have to disagree, not just with the illicit drug use and endorsement of the antimusic genre of “chillwave,” but also with the idea that life is pointless and has no real meaning. Honestly, a few years back, I was just like you: directionless, depressed, always looking for my next “high” or something that would trigger one of my brain’s “pleasure centers.” Until one day, covered in my own sick and reeking of liquor and low-end, seed-and-twig-filled marijuana, I realized I’d had enough. I’d had enough of this aimless life, full of loose women and cheap thrills. I’d had enough of nihilism and focus only on the self. I’d had enough of being a non-believer. That was the day I reached in the bottom drawer of my bedside table and pulled a dusty, neglected Bible out and started reading. I read that Bible until everything made sense, and I think it’ll make sense for you, too, Glenn, if you let it.


Glenn: I knew this was coming and I dreaded it like I'm sure you dread the apocalypse or the Blu-ray release of End of Days.  There is no god and my borderline addiction to "ditch weed" provides more meaning than your holy book.  We all walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but when we come out on the other side it's just blackness.  I’ve read the Bible cover to cover 666 times and at no point was I convinced my life had any other meaning than to satisfy all my carnal pleasures and maybe help people - but that’s just me creating my own meaning.  And before you launch into one of your classic astrological diatribes, the pretend signs based on Greek, Roman and Mormon gods do not predict my behavior any more (or better) than my psychiatrist.  


Bryan: Glenn, if you knew me or my religion at all you’d know that I HIGHLY frown on astrological divination, sooth saying, reading of tea leaves, scatomancy, or any other form of occult practice. That said, if you’ve read the Bible so much, then you’ve encountered the guiding principles of my life over and over again. But apparently you never truly noticed them, or else by now you’d know that bothering with trash hash and sins of the flesh leads to nothing but a life of misery and woe. Tell me, Glenn, do you know the story of Elijah?


Glenn: No I don’t know the story of Eiljah.  I know the emptiness of looking for a reason why I’m alive and looking for meaning in my pathetic life.  Do you know the story of Anders Breivik?  He was a man in Norway who was so convinced of the growing threat of the Islamic menace that he blew up a federal building then went to a teen camp run by the left political party there and killed over 70 innocent civilians.  He was also searching for meaning because he was raised to believe it exists.  He thought he found it and his killings were the logical conclusion of this mindset.  Please, no more Anders Breiviks and no more meanings of lives.


Bryan: Well, I do believe that the growing Islamic menace is something we should all be RIGHTLY concerned about, but that’s for another debate and another time (and probably another website; no more homefield advantage for you. I’m thinking stormfront.org). But anyway, I searched for meaning all throughout that book and I think I finally found it in Fourth Kings (as in the fourth book of Kings, not Kings that are like, a fourth a normal size or something). The story of Elijah is one of respect: respect for one’s elders, respect for nature, and respect for the possible repercussions for negative actions one may commit. I don’t see how anyone, even someone as jaded as you, could take issue with a story like that.


Glenn: I don’t visit Storm Front anymore.  My parents put a Net Nanny on our computer and the one at work blocks out everything with the word “storm” in it.  I don’t take issue with the story you’re talking about but I can’t see how it provides meaning in our life.  You say your prayers, you talk about your Bible, you talk about your Kings Chapter 4... well Glenn’s Chapter 4 (in my self-help book I’m writing to get teens out of schools and into psychedelic drugs) says there is no meaning in this life!




Bryan: Let me tell you a story, Glenn. A story about the day before I read the story of Elijah. I’m walking down the street, minding my own business, my bag of Chicken McNuggets in one hand and my huge soda in the other. It’s my life, my choices, I can do what I want. Or so I thought! As I’m walking to my home, a couple of kids start making fun of my large gut. I menacingly stare at them, but it does no good. They keep repeating their taunts of “lardgut,” “grease keg,” and “smelly old fat fart who smells like greasy cheeseburger farts” (little did they know they were nuggets in the bag. NUGGETS YOU FU... sorry). As I kept staring at them, wondering who would raise such petulant children, pondering what kind of world I lived in where a man of almost thirty years, with an automobile in his name and only two past due bills this month would suffer such nigh-constant ridicule, I hoped for some ill to befall them. Something that equaled the torment they had caused me: something merciless, ravenous, and unyielding. I imagined horrors no man would dare witness: skewerings, flailings, skinnings, maulings. All happening to these children I hardly knew, children whose home life I didn’t comprehend, whose own insecurities and fears I would never know. It was then I decided I needed to run (well, swiftly walk, I had things in my hands) into my home and start reading my Bible to figure all of this out (after eating, of course).


As I flipped through now grease laden pages, and I stumbled upon Fourth Kings and the story of Elijah, it all became clear. See, Glenn, Elijah was a man who was suffering from male pattern baldness in his later years. A man who suffered the insults of children as he walked past them, the children mocking him for his loss of hair and obvious signs of lack of virility. Elijah, unlike me, though, was a noble man, and a man whom God favored. So how did Elijah react? He wished death upon these children, much like I did. Our story differs here, though: for as Elijah was a man of God, these children did not suffer the same fate the children of my neighborhood suffered. Instead, these 42 children were mauled and killed by bears, never to bother Elijah again. Since that day, I’ve known my one desire, my one hope: to be a proud man of God who can summon bears with his thoughts to destroy those children who would insult my deficiencies.


Glenn:  And I thought I was getting a bit melodramatic by comparing the search for meaning in our lives to Anders Breivik’s homicidal impulses.  If you were trying to convince me god exists, congratulations: you won.  Now I can say I believe in him but even more strongly believe she will never give us the meaning for which we so desperate search.  But that doesn’t mean I won’t now begin training my army of bears for when I inevitable find myself in the same situation as you.


Bryan: Thank you for admitting defeat! Also, no one TRAINS a bear, Glenn: they merely deter it from mauling a child for one more day.


THE END.

New Music Mondays (Wednesday Edition)

By Bryan

New Single: "Video Games" - Lana Del Rey

I heard this a while back when gorillaversusbear or one of those other stupid buzz band blogs threw it up on their site, and while I really liked it, I knew it wasn't a real song yet because Pitchfork Media dot com had yet to declare it valid. WELL GUESS WHAT FOLKS? BEST NEW MUSIC AUGUST 3RD YOOL 2011. So there, it's a real song and worth your time, so listen to it. In seriousness, it's a damn sexy, damn good tune that's really "haunting" I guess, or something like that. The problem is Lana has kind of a lamestream sound that your mom is going to really get a kick out of (but not my mom because she's dead :*/) so I figure in a year or so LDR will be all over Jay Leno and SNL and totally uncool to listen to anymore. So enjoy her now while you still can, because soon enough you'll be playing this by yourself on headphones in your bedroom, just like you do with your Kings of Leon albums that you have marked in iTunes as "Italian House/pre-dub."

New Album: "Mirror Traffic" - Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks

Stephen Malkmus really loves Lou Reed. He loves him so much I think he's trying to ape Lou's career path of having an extremely unsatisfying and uneven solo career after heading one of the most important bands of his era. "Mirror Traffic" is the latest adequate thing he's put out, and while I haven't even listened to it yet, I'm just going to assume it's the best thing since "Pig Lib" because I've got this feeling that's what everyone else is going to say about it. "Senator" is a pretty good tune that has a strong Pavement vibe, which is why I guess it's the lead single, because I've heard "Tigers" and it's just the usual "meh" stuff that he's been putting out since 2001. Meanwhile, the album is produced by Beck, and I guess we're supposed to care even though Beck hasn't been relevant since "Midnite Vultures" and hasn't been good since "Sea Change." Hey Beck, "Modern Guilt" was awful and I want my money back, kthx.

New Thing: "Watch the Throne" - JAY Z & Kanye West

It's fun reading reviews of "Throne" because black media is upset that there's not enough club bangers or typical hits while white media can't seem to get over the fact that Kanye has a problem with women and won't write any love songs. Meanwhile Pitchfork gave it an 8.5 (their safe "we really like this!" score) and said things like "he actually runs Nina Simone through Auto-Tune." Anyway, it's really good, I guess, if not "Dark Fantasy" good, and Kanye DOES really hate women, but so did Patrick Bateman and Victor Ward and a whole lot of other Bret Easton Ellis characters, and I'm pretty sure somewhere along the way Kanye fell into a BEE novel and that's his life now, so it's only appropriate. Meanwhile Jay still sounds bored, but not boring, so it's automatically better than all of his outings since 2009. No songs about Twitter though. Songs about Twitter relate to me as a member of youth culture, so as a youth I can't give this album my full approval; as an old, a lot of rapping about having sex with "bad bitches" and driving at illegal speeds in "May-backs" frightens me. As a white my favorite song is "New Day" because it features RZA from the Wu-Tang Clan and they appeal to my sensibilities of liking "underground" music that is also approachable and doesn't make me think about my whiteness as a thing. I guess what I'm saying is

favorite new song: Morning Thought - Dale Earnhardt Jr Jr (free download here)
worst thing I heard this week: EVERYTHING BY BON IVER PLEASE STOP PLAYING IT SIRIUS XMU

cool shit you can download for free:
two covers albums: first, the slightly more lamestream option: Spin's Tribute to Nirvana's Nevermind. Some cool stuff here like Vaselines and Meat Puppets covering Nirvana songs, and also buzzbands like Titus Andronicus and personal favorite Surfer Blood (doing a pretty rad cover of Territorial Pissings). A lot of fun stuff.

next up: STROKED: A Tribute to Is This It
Stereogum got some buzz bands together and had them cover all of Is This It, with some good tunes here like PB&J doing "Is This It?", Real Estate doing "Barely Legal," and Wise Blood doing "Someday."


What I Learned from... The Dark Knight (2008)


By Bryan

With "What I learned from..." I'll be taking a look back at classic and popular films, highlighting their central themes, important messages, and tokens of insight. This week, I take a look back at 2008's critically acclaimed and Oscar winning Batman film, "The Dark Knight." Directed by Christopher Nolan, it is generally considered the best superhero film to date, as well as one of the best films of 2008; in particular, Heath Ledger's swansong performance as The Joker was (deservedly) highly praised. (Pretend I wrote this article in 2008 and this was extremely relevant.)



What I learned from... The Dark Knight:

  • Only rich corporate executives have the power to make a difference, and when common people of the lower classes attempt to enact the same change, they only cause more problems for the upper class that's doing the ACTUAL work.

  • Extradition laws are used only by the shadiest, most corrupt people to evade justice in the United States. These laws should be circumvented whenever possible, by whatever means; the United States justice system has no actual border.

  • There can be no purpose behind the destruction of capital: the villainous fiend behind such an act must just wish to "watch the world burn," and have no actual reasoning behind his actions.

  • The justice system has many failings: whenever justice cannot be properly achieved, a gun in the right hands can make a fair substitute.

  • Surveillance of innocent, private citizens is warranted, as long as it intends to serve a greater purpose in the interests of law enforcement.

  • Depriving arrested citizens of their rights is acceptable, depending on the severity of the crimes they're accused of.

  • All cops are corrupt; it's just a fact, and something everyone needs to accept and live with.

  • Lies told to protect the public from itself are necessary, and in their own way, good.

  • The public image of politicians and government officials must be protected at all costs, even if that means covering up capital crimes such as murder and placing their blame on other, innocent parties.

  • Heath Ledger was a pretty great actor.

Kanye West Tweets During Mundane Moments in History


By Bryan 

Kanye West Tweets During Mundane Moments in History: Friends Episode S2E7: "The One Where Ross Finds Out"

kanyewest Kanye West
daaaaaaamn I love Friends!!!!! Seriously, just wanted to get that one out of the way RIGHT NOW
30 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
ya know I was thinkin Chandler was gettin a little heavy but I didn't wanna say nothing
28 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
Sometimes I feel like Phoebe, just bustin out with shit without thinkin LOL!
27 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
can you imagine Phoebe on twitter??? LOL!!!! that shit would be so NUTS! LOL!
26 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
man if you won't do five situps for boobs somethin seriously wrong wit you. Come to my place monica, pull out those titties and I'll show you some situps LOL!!!!
24 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
that last tweet just proved what I said earlier: I'm just like Phoebe!!!!
22 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
What "Friend" are you like? I'm kinda Phoebe, kinda Chandler, kinda Joey, and kinda... Rachel??? hell yeah!
20 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
man, Ross and Rachel are strait up star crossed lovers. It'd be so perfect, but it just can't work for some reason
19 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
ever had that happen in your life? where you know it'd be perfect with someone, but timing is always screwed up, or something like that? I know it's kinda been my story
17 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
most of 808s & HB dealt with alot of that. life just doesn't work out sometimes. What'd John Lennon say? "Life is what happens when ur busy makin other plans" DAAAAAMN RIGHT
15 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
c'mon Rachel be cool! Can't let Ross see you crackin up like that! be strong girl!!!!!
14 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
man Rachel is fucking this date UP! If I was this dude I woulda strait up LEFT! don't care how hot a bitch is that shit don't fly
12 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
ah shit rachel no no noooooooooo! DON'T DRUNK DIAL!!!!!!! AHHHH SHIT I CAN'T WATCH SOMEONE TWEET ME WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!!
10 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
ahhhhhh I had to watch that was CRAZY!!! WHAT has Rachel done????
9 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
alot of times I think about how certain people have to with opening up to other people, and then I think about how I do a lot of that with my raps
8 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
its a luxury not many people are afforded. then again, my whole life is a luxury not many people can afford!!! LOL!!!
6 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
OH SHIT NOT IN FRONT OF HER STOP HIM RACHEL!!!!!!
5 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
"when were you under me?" DAMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
NO ROSS DON'T LEAVE FUCK WHY CAN"T THIS EVER WORK????
3 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
"There was never a good time." awwwwww c'mon Ross, I smell some, what's that, BULLLLLLLLLSHIT!
2 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
God dammit Ross, this shit is killlllllling me! and Rachel too, LOL
2 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
HOLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYY SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 minute ago

kanyewest Kanye West
yo seriously i'm fucking in tears right now, TRUE LOVE EXISTS YA'LL!
1 minute ago

kanyewest Kanye West
I WOULD FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF COURTNEY COX!!!! just sayin LOL! ah shit there's another Phoebe moment!!! #phoebemoment GET IT TRENDIN!
1 minute ago

Pentagon releases official statement regarding leak of Young Jeezy's forthcoming album TM103


By Bryan

The Pentagon would like to release the following statement regarding the recent leak of Jay Wayne Jenkins' (henceforth referred to as Young Jeezy) forthcoming album, TM 103, otherwise known as Thug Motivation 103. The Pentagon would like to condemn this leak and those who leaked it, as well as hiphoptorrentzzz.com, the supplier of the leaked tracks. We would first like to note what a disservice this leak does not just to Mr. Jeezy, but also to Def Jam records, and the numerous trappers and thugs across our country that depend on Jeezy for both motivation and support in their struggles. It should be noted that the early leak of this highly anticipated and protected album puts many in both the rap game and the trap game in great jeopardy: the early leak of tracks such as "Mamma Told Me" and "Might Just Blow That" allows the enemies of the game to pour over them in anticipation of a street release, discovering any weaknesses in Jeezy's swagger and giving them the wherewithal to prepare an answer before Jeezy is even able to ask the question. I encourage those who would support those who provide these leaks, and the providers of the leaks themselves, to truly consider our large community of trappers and thugs that depend on Jeezy's work to keep up their grind; further endangering those who are in constant danger is not only immoral, but also, in this case, illegal.


It should be noted, though, that this release provides little new information or beats that Jeezy has not already released himself. Tracks such as "Trap or Die 2" and "Scared Money" have been out for almost a year at this point. Indeed, Jeezy released this tracks himself long ago in the interests of full disclosure to both his fans and to his haters. We here have been prepared for this leak for over a month now, pouring over the possible tracks that might be leaked, and the information we, Jeezy, and Def Jam have already provided. We see little value in this release as a whole: certain tracks, in fact, were never in consideration for the final album and are of no surprise to us, and should be of no surprise to anyone in the media or general public that has been following Jeezy's work as of late. Aside from a few beats here or there, this release honestly provides little new information, and is of little value to those that would pursue this information.


That said, it again must be noted the danger that this poses primarily to the thugs Jeezy supports: these are civilians working every day, out there grinding, out there trapping, just to support the hustlers and gangsters this country relies on. It is incredibly irresponsible of hiphoptorrentzzz.com and whatever other parties responsible to release this without consideration for the fact that these tracks are not finalized, not properly mastered, and not released in a lossless format. The only thing releasing these tracks in such a state does is undermine the confidence Jeezy has built with these thugs and trappers, both endangering their lives and limiting Jeezy's ability to work with them in the future. Jeezy is, in fact, actually considering shelving what was released and working on entirely new material. This would delay this already quite postponed project even further, extending the time that these thugs and trappers would be without the proper support. We, again, condemn the actions of those who both perpetuated and distributed this leaked material, and hope they will consider the repercussions of such actions in the future. Also, we will be pursuing legal action against all involved parties, and will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

We would also like to state we have no comment on the supposed "insurance file" hiphoptorrentzzz.com has been seeding, other than to say its encrypted content is rumored to be the new Willow Smith album. We would not be surprised, as these bullies and criminals would likely have no issues targeting an innocent nine year old girl.

Kanye West Tweets During Important Moments in History: The French Student Protests

by Bryan


The French Student Protests of May 1968

@kanyewest
Kanye West
how's that song go? "I love paris in the springtime...." HELL YEAH! thinkin' about hittin the sorbone today
2 hours ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
seen a lot of ads and posters (even graffiti!!) mentioning "de Gaulle". This is why I love Paris, they hot brands hot before I even hear about them!
2 hours ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
lotta people in the streets today. we got a street concert or sumthin goin on? tweet me back if you kno
2 hours ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
man wish I knew French everybody's got these signs! maybe I shoulda stayed in school huh? not been the College Dropout? Hah, no way man!!! somebody had to make Jesus Walks!
2 hours ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
speakin of, what's your favorite line off the college dropout? tweet me back!
2 hours ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
damn, lotta people APPARENTLY don't know which songs are on dropout and which are on late registration. hint: Gold Digger is Late Registration LOL!!!!
2 hours ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
so I found someone who spoke english and he said the students are striking or something. the dropout at a student strike? HAH, COUNT ME IN!!!!
1 hour ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
sometimes I DO think about goin back to school, and thinkin if that woulda made my mom happy. but I feel like how I shine now is way more than I could ever do in those institutions
1 hour ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
I mean what do I really need to learn from them at this point? what good is a eurocentric education to someone who's message and reach is global?
1 hour ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
plus, no way I'm waking up for 8am classes again LOLOL
1 hour ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
ahhhhh shit some of these signs are english and they HOTTTTTTT! peep this, "The future will only contain what we put into it now." DAAMMMN! MOST DEF!!!!
1 hour ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
yall tell me what you think of this one: "Abolish copyrights: sound structures belong to everyone." dunno know how I feel about that
1 hour ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
I mean does art really belong to everyone? can I not OWN what I make with my own hands? what if I take the sound structures and turn them on they head?
1 hour ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
when I was comin up I'd take soul beats and speed em up and make em my own. I guess if the original artists wouldn't of let me do that I'd have been, well, FUCKED, LOL!
1 hour ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
but I could and that kinda changed everything for me and alotta people. so does me changin them up make them mine? if I paint a mustache on the mona lisa do I get to keep it?
1 hour ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
hey I'm in Paris maybe I should try doin that and see what happens? J/K HAHA!
1 hour ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
things gettin kinda hectic around here! people throwin rocks and shit, cops gettin upset. I gotta take cover somewhere, only black dude in france def gonna be a target LOLLLL!
55 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
nother sign: "All power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely." where have I heard somethin like that b4 hmmmmmmmmm ;-)
51 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
honestly I was really tryin to say sumthin with Power, not just about how Power can corrupt sumbody but how much of a burden it can be too
48 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
like ever since I dropped College Dropout (and even the beats on Blueprint 1) my life's been KUH-RAY-ZEEEEE
45 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
sumtimes I just feel like maybe I shouldn't be allowed to do the things I do, to say the things I say. wonderin why I get this freedom that most people don't have.
41 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
I mean think about it. What can't I do? just about nuthin. Well, cept maybe paint a mustache on the Mona Lisa LOL!!!
37 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
seriously tho sumtimes I really do think about givin it all up. just hidin away somewhere, livin a regular life. the hell would I do all day tho?
35 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
then I think well maybe I need this spotlight, maybe I need this attention on me. I mean, shit when the last time I didn't have it? don't even know how I'd feel.
32 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
ah well, either way they'd always be twitter right? tweet me yo day jobs, let me pick one to have in my "regular life"!!
30 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
think I found it! "porno shop clerk" I think I'd be pretty good at that, I could give plenty of personal recommendations LOL!!!!!
25 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
ooooh this one's just MEAN: "Be cruel." sometimes I think that's my life motto, especially tryin to kill everyone on these tracks SHIIIT!!!!
21 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
aiiight, so I got this rock. and there's this cop with his back turned. Twitter, lemme know: to throw or not to throw?
19 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
welp, twitter has spoken. sorry mr. officer!
15 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
DAAAAAAMN that thing just bounced off his head!! ah shittt he's mad as hell now! HA!!!! fuck tha police comin straight out the undaground!!!!
14 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
yo what's your favorite NWA song? so many classics!!!
13 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
sorry, "quiet on tha set" is not a valid choice LOL!!!
11 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
uh oh just realized I misspelled Sorbonne earlier OH WELL! #itsaprocess
9 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
"Under the Paving Stones, the Beach!" remindin me I need to get to the riveria HAH!
6 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
lotta ppl here talkin bout possessions and how it changes every1, and all I can think about is how much success has changed everything around me
5 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
I wouldn't wanna change anything but sometimes I wonder if I really need all I got? I need 100 watches, 20 cars, houses all over the place?
3 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
HELL YES I DO LOL!!!!!!
2 minutes ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
maybe I'll head over to the luve and buy that mona lisa so I can paint a mustache on it, whaddya think???
1 minute ago

@kanyewest
Kanye West
sorry, Lourve! LOL! #itsaprocess
40 seconds ago

Follow Kanye on Twitter: @kanyewest
Follow ME on Twitter: @bryanrh

Steve, This is the Last Time I'm Playing Online Scrabble With You


By Bryan

Steve,

I didn't want to have to write this email, but you've given me no other choice. I will no longer be able to play Scrabble online with you anymore. Not on Facebook, not Words with Friends, not Wordfeud, nothing. While I've enjoyed a lot of our games together, lately they've gotten way too... suggestive, for my tastes.

I know you're into me, Steve, and I've been OK with that for awhile, because the little flirting and playfulness has generally been fun and harmless. You're a smart, cute guy, and I have no real problems with you, but you know I have a boyfriend, and I thought you'd respect that. So imagine my shock when Scrabble is what made this all take a turn for the worst.

Looking back, I realize now that you'd been doing it along. Sure, "seduce" was a pretty decent play on a Double Word Score with a Triple Letter modifier on the "C", but now I see the bigger picture. I honestly wish we could go back to those days, because it's only gotten worse since then. Anytime you had an "X", the only word you'd ever play would be "SEX," or "SEXY", or "SEXUAL", or "SEXUALIST" (which I was honestly pretty impressed by). I don't know how you found a way to get enough B's and O's to play "BOOBS" all of the time, but you were definitely constantly swapping tiles. "BOOBS" isn't even that great of a play, Steve, especially when you skip four turns to be able to play it.

It was the last game we had that was the final straw, though. You start by dropping "HUMP", which isn't a horrible play, and could mean a few things, so I let it slide. Then you play "KINKY" off of my "K" in "PERK" (probably a bad decision on my part, looking back), but I'm not too worried, it was a good drop on a few modifiers, plus you had two Ks in one word on a double word score. But then you play "LICK" off of one of those Ks, "CUM" off of that C, and "MOUNT" off of that M. At this point I'm wondering if you have a script or something to grab all of the letters to make these words because I couldn't drop perversion like that if I wanted to in most games. Here's the rest of your wordlist for that game:
  • ERECT
  • SUCK
  • BOOBS (good to see you didn't drop the old favorites)
  • PENIS
  • HEAD
  • TEAT (reaching a bit, weren't you?)
  • HORNY
  • MOUNTED (ED off of the original MOUNT)
  • HUMPED (again, ED off of the original HUMP; just getting lazy at this point)
  • FLICK/FINGER (OK, even I had to appreciate the creativity of this one, playing FINGER off of LICK)
Then, when I mention that your word choice is bothering me, we get:
  • ICE
  • QUEEN (nice points on this one, actually)
  • SLUT
  • BITCH
  • DIE
  • WHORE
  • HO
  • LEZ
  • BI (admittedly the board was getting full, and space was at a minimum, so good job keeping the faith with so little options)
  • And finally, SLUTTY.

So, Steve, I think this is the last time I'll be playing Scrabble online with you. And no Boggle, no UpWords (is that even available online? I miss UpWords...), no crosswords, not even checkers or chess. I just can't trust you anymore, I'm sorry.

Sincerely,
Jenn

P.S. Also, please stop emailing me pictures of your dick, these are our work email accounts, we could both get in a lot of trouble.

The Space Marine from DOOM, as written by...



By Bryan

The Space Marine from DOOM as written by Ingmar Bergman

I feel this sensation, this sensation of being alone, isolated, among these hordes. The very presence of the demonic lends credence to existence of the divine, but how, Lord, how could you have created such monstrous beings to torment me? What have I done to justify such punishment, when I have been your loyal servant all these years throughout the Martian crusade? I have stricken these beasts down by my own hand in your name, but at what cost? What has this done to me, to my very soul, to do such horrible deeds in your holy name? The possessed are my very companions; it is their faces I have blown away with the shotgun you have entrusted to me. It is only by your will that I am not among them. Why, Lord, why have you chosen me to be the instrument of your wrath, to rout the very souls I used to call friend? When will you be satisfied? When the very humanity that separates me from these beasts is destroyed by the very acts I must commit to survive? Well, Lord, I refuse. I refuse to play your game any longer. I choose escape, and I choose it by my own hand, not yours, Lord.

The Space Marine from DOOM as a tweet from Kanye West

just blew the head off what USED to be old friend Kenny... Awwwwkward LOL!!!!! man killin these demons is the only shit I'm on latly!


The Space Marine from DOOM as written by Karl Marx

Finally, the ultimate dream of workers as Capital has been realized: the very members of the proletariat I worked side by side with have been turned into the tools used to destroy this collective we once worked so hard together to complete. These hordes, controlled by some unknown hand of the Bourgeois, have turned my once noble comrades into the exact tools of our very oppression. My only comfort is the fact that with every beast I vanquish, I release them from the bonds this very system has enshackled them within. Yet at the same time I must wonder why, as I destroy each enemy, am I compelled to search for ever more extravagant weapons to complete my work? Why is my simple pistol not enough to finish my mission? Why do I desire something greater from my means of destruction? What has this perversion of our proletariat done to my once noble desires? And why must there be two barrels when one should suffice?

The Space Marine from DOOM as written by William Faulkner

My chaingun is a fish.

The Space Marine from DOOM as written by Bret Easton Ellis

No idea what was in that health kit but seeing red and just feeling rage since taking it. Every time I punch one of these fucks in the face the blood spatter and gore flies on to what was once an immaculate glowing blue power-armor and I just get even more pissed. I pull out my chainsaw and start to split the imp's head open: I get a little bit of resistance at the skull, but once I hit brain tissue the matter and flesh starts flying back at me with every chain revolution. I keep cutting, past the brain, past the mouth, past the neck, all the way down the torso, splitting it in half at the crotch. Some of the brain tissue flung into my mouth, but I chew on it a little and keep going.

The Space Marine from DOOM as written by Christine O'Donnell

I TOLD YOU ALL THAT THIS IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, BUT NOOOOO, I'M JUST CRAZY!!! WHO'S CRAZY NOW??? HAVE FUN WAITING A WEEK TO BUY A BFG-9000! LOOK AT ALL OF THESE DEMONS THAT AREN'T REAL! HAH! WITCHCRAFT IS HARMLESS, RIGHT? YEAH, AND SO IS MASTURBATION!!!

Kanye West Tweets During Important Moments in History


By Bryan

The Assassination of John F. Kennedy

kanyewest Kanye West
Man it's hot as SHIT in Dallas!!
2 hours ago

kanyewest Kanye West
Can't wait to see JFizzle again, and the lovely miss Jackie! She is the QUEEN of fashion!!!
2 hours ago

kanyewest Kanye West
http://twitpic.com/2xhg07 peep that hat!! HAH AND THOSE SHADES DAAAAAAAMN!
2 hours ago

kanyewest Kanye West
Sometimes I wonder, what if I were the president? Would I change the world around me, or would I just let it change me?
2 hours ago

kaneywest Kanye West
I mean, would I just get caught up in all the drama? Or would I make a real difference in American's lives?
2 hours ago

kanyewest Kanye West
What about you? If you were president, would you keep it an oval office? Or maybe flip it up with some different shapes? I've been really diggin triangles lately.
1 hour ago

kaneywest Kanye West
Favorite triangle? SCALENE. Hah! Bet you thought I was gonna say isosceles! What's yours?
1 hour ago

kanyewest Kanye West
ah shit here comes the motorcade! You'd think the prez could do better than a lincoln though, SHEESH
1 hour ago

kanyewest Kanye West
sometimes I dream I'm in a huge motorcade, driving down streets filled with onlookers, everybody wavin at me and looking
1 hour ago

kanyewest Kanye West
then suddenly my mind's camera pulls back and reveals its actually my funeral procession, and all these people are there happy to see me dead
1 hour ago

kanyewest Kanye West
I wake up covered in tears and sweat, and I can't get back to sleep for hours
57 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
oh well, better than when I was a kid and I woke up covered in something else LOL!!!!!!
52 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
I just flew into Dallas... boy are my arms tired! #jokesiwillnottellJFK
41 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
sometimes I regret not getting into politics... then I realize that my art is the true politics of the people. my message travels the globe instantaneously. Can't beat that, shittttt....
35 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
plus like any of these haters would ever elect me to anything LOLOLOLOL
30 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
last time I heard john-john speak he was spitting strait fire all over castro, hope he reps that shit again here, CAN'T WAIT!!!
24 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
HOLY SHIT SOMEONE IS STRATE UP SHOOTIN THIS PLACE UP!!!!!
20 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
REAL TALK JACK JUST HAD HIS HEAD BLOWN RIGHT THE FUCK OFFF HOLLLLLY SHIIT!!!
19 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
dude i am just sitting here shaking oh shit oh shit oh shit
18 minutes

kanyewest Kanye West
what does this mean? how could someone do that? i don't even know what to think, what to feel. not lyin, not gonna front, crying right here, right now.
15 minutes ago



kanyewest Kanye West
prayers are with john and jackie. beauty like that should never die.
12 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
oh shit remember that dream I told you about? Now that shit is REALLLLL eerie!!!
9 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
seriously I just gave myself chills! what do you think it all means?
7 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
def never gonna forget this day. sad sad day in America.
4 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
too somber up in here. Everyone tweet at me your fave triangle!
2 minutes ago

kanyewest Kanye West
Ahhhhh man all you fuckin haters with your equilateral bullshit! get that shit OUTTTTTAAAA HERE!
1 minute ago

Follow Kanye on twitter: kanyewest
Follow ME on twitter: bryanrh

Carl Paladino's 30 Second Book Reviews

By Bryan 

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

I really liked this book. A soaring tale about the actual truth of the American dream, and what it takes to achieve it, it's rare I find a book where I feel so in touch and "tuned-in" to the hero. Tom Buchanan is truly an everyman, the representation of America's noble ideals and her willingness to reward those who work to earn it. Kudos to Fitzgerald for not chickening out and going with that typical "Lost Generation" ending of the protagonist losing his way and the reader being left with all sorts of moral ambiguity. Tom gets the girl, the money, and the happiness, and that's just how we, as the readers, want it to be.

That Gatsby guy was kinda faggy, though.

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

Basically, Sylvia Plath takes around 300 pages to say what I've been saying my entire adult life: Bitches be crazy. I would have liked to have learned more about Betsy, honestly, she sounded hot, and wasn't a nutcase, to boot. At least she was excited to be in New York City, greatest city in the world!

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

I could really relate to Holden Caulfield. Not because of all that angsty stuff, I didn't really understand much of that, and he cursed way too much for a young man, but we both grew up in private schools, and that weirdo Mr. Antolini really creeped me out, too. I mean, what kind of man brushes a kid's hair like that? I'm not saying I hate him or anything, I just think Mr. Antolini could probably be much more successful if he cut out the weird stuff. Other than that, it was a fun read, but I was hoping it was about baseball (Go Yankees, world champs!).

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Pretty much the worst thing I've ever read. I got a couple of laughs from that Lord Wotton, though. Queers are always good at sarcasm. TOO good, if you ask me. You know what I mean.

The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison

I loved this book. LOVED IT! What a wonderful, heartfelt telling of what can only be the greatest expression of love a mother can show a child: not aborting in the case of rape AND incest. Pecola is a protagonist that more mothers in this country could learn from, knowing that this gift her father gave her through his uncontrolled passion was the most precious blessing from God, something she couldn't even ASK for. While I don't know what to make of the child dying during childbirth, I can only imagine God knows the horrible household a poor, black single-parent family would have provided, and protected the child from such a life. Still, Pecola (and to a lesser extent, her father Cholly) must be applauded for her bravery and purest love for her little angel. Oh, and their last name is Breedlove, how neat!

Aron Ralston listens to your stupid "horrible vacation" story.

By Bryan

In case you don't remember Aron Ralston.

“Oh, yeah, how was the trip? Horrible, really?”
Horrible, huh? I’m assuming you lost no body parts on this trip? I mean, I don’t see anything missing, but maybe you lost a toe or something along the way. Fingernail? Anything? Yeah, didn’t think so.

“Two hours on the runway, huh? Yeah, those airlines, they’re awful. Did they at least give you free drinks or something? Oh, just sodas and water? No alcohol. Wow, assholes.”
Did you have to drink your own urine? No? Because I would have been happy with a lukewarm Fanta after a few days of drinking my own piss. But yeah, no alcoholic drinks must have really sucked, you lush.

“Then they lost your bags? Of course. Always keeps getting worse, doesn’t it?”

Like when things got worse for me when after my hand had died from circulation, I then had to break the bones in it? And had to cut it off with a cheap, dull knife? Yeah, that was pretty shitty, too.

“After all of that, you didn’t make your connecting flight? Jeez, could it have been any more horrible? Did they at least put you up in a hotel for the night? Yeah? Well, it’s barely any kind of consolation, but I guess it was something.”

I would have loved a hotel, myself, after five days of expecting to die, going completely insane from dehydration, and you know, losing my arm. How do you not notice this? I’m standing here, with no hand. It’s pretty obvious. Here, exercise: in my left hand, a tasty beverage; in my right? What’s there? Oh, that’s right, nothing! Because there’s no fucking hand there! Hey, question: did you videotape your final goodbyes to your family and loved ones? No? Well, why the hell not? I did!

“Well, you made it through. Barely? Hah, yeah, guess so. So what were you headed out there for? Oh, you won guitar lessons from Eric Clapton? Wow, how was that? Yeah, I’d imagine it’d be pretty great.”
Fuck you.

To the Purveyors of TopTenSluts.com

By Bryan

To the Purveyors of TopTenSluts.com:

Let me begin by saying this correspondence is not in any way an attempt to defame or deride the content of your website: TopTenSluts.com truly DOES provide the best in amateur sluttery and whoredom. While most pornographic website titles/domains are mere exercises in hyperbole, your website honestly does offer top ten quality sluts on a daily basis.

That being said, my complaint arises from your billing system. When I went to purchase a subscription for your website, I was greeted with the assurance that my credit card would be “discreetly billed” with the charge being attributed to an entity named “PayFriends LLC.” This was definitely a concern for me, as my wife handles our finances, and were she to see some charge from a pornographic website located on my monthly statement, she most certainly would not approve. So this bit of subterfuge was something I was definitely in favor of occurring.

The problem came when said bank statement was received. Sure enough, the charge was attributed to “PayFriends LLC.” However, this charge was also a bit of a curiosity to my wife. So what did she do? She typed “PayFriends LLC” into Google. Do you know what the first search result was? “I have a charge to PayFriends LLC on my credit card. What is it?” I think you can guess what the rest of the site says. Apparently, TopTenSluts.com is the ONLY purveyor of PayFriends. If PayFriends is only associated with TopTenSluts.com, then how exactly am I to explain that mystery charge away? If a simple Google search can spoil my entire charade, what good is it at all? Next time, just charge the account with the institution name of “Graphic depictions of hardcore anal sex, double penetration, and bukkake.” It honestly wouldn’t be any worse.

Enclosed you will find an invoice: it is the bill for both the marriage counseling sessions I am being forced to attend, as well as compensation for my time away from work due to attending weekly sex addict group meetings.

Thank you for your time.

P.S. Wednesday’s update was your best yet! Keep up the awesome work!

To Susan:

By Bryan

Enclosed you will find a USB stick containing “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want” by the Smiths. Please import it into your media player of choice (it’s non-DRM) and play it as you read this. The song is rather short, so you might want to set it on repeat. At no time, though, should you read this without that song playing, or with a different song playing, even if it’s by the Smiths or Morrissey solo. Also, I used this USB stick for work, so if you find anything else on the drive, such as some spreadsheets or PowerPoint presentations, please ignore them. In fact, they’re technically company sensitive materials, and as you don’t work for my company, you’re not privy to them, so please delete whatever you see, to DOD spec (seven wipes).

Press play now.


Susan, you’re receiving one of several personalized suicide notes I’ve produced for this occasion. There is one master note that will be what should be published to the press (and which does mention you, by name), but people I think played a substantial part in my choice to end my life are getting their own personal notes. For years, just your mere existence has caused me endless suffering and misery, and I can honestly say had you died a while ago, I wouldn’t be at this point. But you continue on, so I cannot.

Maybe you’re wondering why I’m saying these things, and trying and failing to think of anything you’ve ever done that would have possibly caused me such grief. I’m not surprised: that’s the same old Susan, completely oblivious to others (especially me) and absorbed in her own world. Maybe you’re thinking that I was merely a casual acquaintance and we never had a kind of relationship that would merit this attention from me in my final moments. Once again, S.O.S. (which I’ve come to use in my journal as shorthand for “Same old Susan”), never considering others (especially not me) and always taking interpersonal relationships for granted.

You probably don’t even realize that over the past five years, we’ve spent a total of 27 hours together. Do you understand how much time that is, Susan? Probably not, because to you time is merely something to be wasted, and whose company you spend it in is irrelevant. But let me try and break that down for you: that’s 1620 minutes, or 97,200 seconds. Now I want you to do an exercise: close your eyes, and count to one. Now imagine doing that almost ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES, and you’ll have an idea of the true amount of time we’ve spent together.

Now that you have some perspective on the extent of our relationship, maybe I can help you understand the misery you’ve made me endure. See, Susan, I may only know you through Jim and Sarah, and our interactions have primarily been through parties at said friends’ home, along with the occasional Facebook message or email survey (which you NEVER respond to) but every moment we’ve spent together has been, for better or worse, monumental.

Remember when we met, at Jim and Sarah’s Christmas party? Probably not, you inconsiderate bitch. Sorry, I’m a little emotional right now; killing myself, remember? You probably already forgot that, too. But there was something special about that night; I thought we really bonded as the night went on. We talked about preferences towards modern Christmas music (post-1960) versus the “classics”; I told you about the different novelty Christmas ornaments I had growing up; and I even went and made you a cup of hot cocoa. Did you realize I made it, and that there wasn’t some kind of magical hot cocoa pot in the kitchen? That I took the time to pick out a perfect mug (did you even notice? It was festive, but reserved; not classy, but classical), heat it to the right temperature, add in the marshmallows at the exact moment where they’d melt slightly but not all the way, then cool it off for you to a digestible temperature. You probably thought that this just happened, but guess what Susan? Not everything just works out perfectly in this world; sometimes you have to work for things, not like you’d know anything about that.

Sure, that entire interaction was under an hour, but in some way it completely surmised and expressed the entirety of my existence. Birth, life, death, joy, sorrow, pain, pleasure, all contained within that bit of pleasantries and conversation. I know it was nothing to you Susan, and looking back I see you probably gave me your email address as a way to get me to stop bothering you without having to give me your number, but at the time it was some kind of penultimate moment that my life had building up to: the edge of the cliff, over which was either immaculate beauty or monstrous doom. Apparently, the latter was what I was destined for.

The rest of our meetings and communications consisted of much the same script: me making sacrifices, giving all of myself, you barely even noticing. Last month’s encounter was no different, and I would say that it was the proverbial “final straw.”

Another year, another Christmas party: this time, I’d say we interacted for a grand total of fifteen minutes, but had it been fifteen days, the only difference would have been the sun rising and setting. We discussed our mutual hatred of bluetooth headsets, our optimism for this new year and its multiple advantages over the last, and then I went to get you a glass of eggnog. Sure, it wasn’t the venture that the years' past hot cocoa was, but I made sure you once again received an appropriate glass, and I had to open a new bottle just to fill said glass. Then, after our years of playing this game, you couldn’t even afford me the simple pleasantries I’d been granted in past years. As I came back, glass in hand, I saw you, Susan, talking to Greg, sipping some OTHER glass of eggnog. Where you got it from, I have no idea (I noticed no one else in the kitchen, so I have to have assume it was that bastard Greg’s... hope you didn’t catch anything, you whore!) but what does matter was that as I stood there, egg on my face and eggnog in my hand, I knew I’d finally fallen over that cliff, and there was no other destination for me but down.

So here we are, Susan. You reading this, on the fourth, fifth, maybe sixth play through of “Please Let Me Get What I want” (though knowing you, you never even played it once, did you?), and me, lying here, my bowels released and my last breath spent. Maybe now you realize it’s all your fault, but somehow I doubt that. But I’ll know, and so will everyone else (that main suicide note does a great deal to implicate you as almost wholly responsible), and that’s satisfying in these last moments.

And I swear to God, if you don’t wipe that USB stick, I will haunt you and Greg for the rest of your days.

Carl, Your PowerPoint Presentations are on a Gradual Decline

By Bryan

It used to be that your presentations were the one thing I looked forward to during our Monday meetings. Huddled in that small room, the twelve of us cramped around that long but inadequate table, anytime you had to give a presentation about a recent change in HR policies and practices (which was surprisingly and almost nauseatingly often), it seemed to make the meeting... Magical. That’s the only word that can accurately describe just what it brought to the rest of my day and even the rest of my week. (Do you know that I have a large folder sitting in the bottom drawer of my desk, filled with the printed out copies of your slide decks? And anytime I’m having a down day or just feeling blue in general, I open it up to any random presentation and it brightens my whole outlook? Well I do, and it does!)



But now, gone are the days of your flashy transitions (sometimes it felt like I was REALLY fading into the next slide myself and was about to be enveloped in the warmth of its information and factuality), engrossing sound effects (I don’t know what it is, but when the next bullet point ZOOMED in with the sound of a race-car, suddenly I truly cared that corporate email could no longer be printed out and taken home), and your perfect choices in clipart (when you closed the presentation on the dangers chemicals in the workplace with the picture of the dad holding his son’s hand, it made me really feel like home office actually was worried about us and was going to take care of us the rest of the way). Now, we’re lucky if you bothered to change the default font, and the last presentation ("Updated Internet Policies") didn’t even use a template. How am I supposed to pay attention to when I can and cannot do my online banking if it’s presented to me on a blue background with a white font? The answer is I can’t, and I didn’t. Because of you, and your lack of dedication to your work, I now haphazardly bank online between the hours of 3PM and 5PM. I hope you’re happy.

I remember the good times, the days of “What the IT Service Center Can Do for YOU!” You remember that one, don’t you Carl? It was your creative masterpiece, your Great Gatsby, your Ninth Symphony, your Exile on Main Street. It had it all: transitions were so fast and furious I felt like the Paul Walker to your Vin Diesel; one time it swirled when I thought it was going to slide left, and I nearly fell out of my chair, but it was OK, because I knew you were always guiding my way, steering and hitting the nitrous booster when I just couldn’t. Your points were concise, but informative and engaging: I STILL remember that I don’t call the IT Service Center for printer supplies, but I DO call them for printer maintenance. Don’t even get me started on your backgrounds and borders: a new one for EVERY slide, and all relevant to your points in some way. When it was over, the twelve of us stood up and cheered. Do you remember that feeling, Carl? Do you remember the glory you used to enjoy, the praise that was lavished upon you? All of it was warranted, and all of it was earnest. Every time I have to call the IT Service Center for something, I choke up a little bit: last time I called, I had to tell the representative that I had been eating some cashews while on hold and one had gone down the wrong pipe; but that was an enormous lie, and she knew it. This is the kind of thing you’re capable of, Carl. Why are you wasting it?

Unlike the slides in your best work, this degradation in quality has been a slow transition. I remember when I noticed the lack of enthusiasm in your presentation titles: gone were the titles that grabbed me and made me knew this information was important and beneficial to me; now I was greeted with things like “Updated Vacation Request Protocol” and “Form 56-A Procedure.” It wasn’t too big of a deal, though: the presentations still had that “pop” and the quality overrode the generic titles.

But it wasn’t too long before even more cracks in the veneer began to show through. Soon there was the same background for every slide; after awhile, even a single background was too much to ask for. Sounds began to all but disappear; transitions became merely sliding left or sliding right.

Then this happened:
I remember when I saw it. I had hoped that the title slide was a mere rush-job, an after thought when at 8AM you realized you had forgotten to do one and merely typed a title into whatever presented itself on your screen when you opened up PowerPoint. But then came this slide, and it was just as bad. No, worse, because it confirmed my fears: you just didn’t care anymore. When I saw Arial being used in your bullet points, I almost cried right in the conference room. Just look at it; it’s the antithesis of “ITSC” (that’s what we’ve come to use to refer to “What the IT Service Center Can Do For YOU!”): no clipart, no transitions, no background, NOTHING! You broke my heart on that day, Carl, and since then each proceeding presentation has been like you taking a massive dump on what we used to have, and what made you so special to me, and to everyone.

So Carl, take this as a wake-up call: as HR director for this branch, it’s your job to make sure new and existing HR policies are complied with and followed. With your recent lackadaisical attitude towards your presentations, I can honestly say your messages aren’t getting through, which means your policies aren’t getting followed. So maybe you don’t think it’s worth it to put so much effort into these presentations; but is it worth to keep your job? Because that’s the road you’re heading down, pal. If you need me, I’ll be doing some online shopping between the hours of 10AM and 12PM.

Open Letter to Dean, my Next Door Neighbor

By Bryan

Dean,

You're pretty new around here, and I know we've only exchanged casual “hellos” in the hallway on the way to the washing machine, and I know I only know your name because I heard you introducing yourself to Dave, but seriously: stop with the fucking Radiohead.




Honestly, do you listen to anything else? You've lived here two weeks and aside from you talking to your girlfriend on the phone (by the way, I'm totally on your side with the whole pet horse thing. I mean, seriously? A pet horse? Who the fuck does she think she is, the Duchess of Cornwall?) all that's ever come from your side of the wall has been vague moaning and whining against the harmonic background of some kind of Krautrock rip-off. And all I'm saying is there are some days where I'd rather not hear that.

Take, for example, Thursday. You don't know this, but I work for a large multinational company (the kind you hear about in many of your favorite Radiohead songs!) with a lower-level management position. Because of this, my life is full of monotony and gentle soul-crushing on a daily basis. Thursday was particularly awful: see, those of us who have real jobs (how exactly does that record store stay open when its hours are 12-7, Tuesday through Thursday, 1-5 on Sunday? And the one time I went in there there was a section for Italian House, a section for proto-punk, even a section for something called screamo, but then there was something like three records in your jazz section and one of those was some used Steely Dan album) have to deal with things like fax machines, and florescent lighting, and corporate passwords, and keycards, and basically mountains of bullshit just to get from point A to point B in a corporate metaphysical sense. I won't bore you with details, but on Thursday one of those pieces in the chain fell apart, creating a lot more work for me, and a pretty miserable day all around. (Have you ever had to use a keycard just to take a shit, Dean? Do you know the indignity of realizing, as your keycard fails, that your natural bodily functions are restricted by a piece of plastic on a belt clip? I don’t wish that upon you, no matter what droning echos from your bedroom.)

So when I got home, all I wanted to do was have a bite to eat, watch some TV, and go to bed. But, when I climbed the stairs to my bedroom, guess what I heard? Well, you know, because you were listening, too: Thom Yorke yodeling into my ear about how miserable my life is. Guess what Dean? I already know! I knew when I got home and didn't need to be reminded again! I mean, Christ, can't you at least play some earlier stuff? Before the Bush White House when they at least weren't making me want to slit my wrists all of the time? Do you know what I'd kill to hear "Creep" blast out from my east wall some day?

But no. You play an endless shuffle of Kid A, Amnesiac, and Hail to the Thief. Oh, and by the way, your MP3 of "I Might Be Wrong" is corrupted. Are you fucking deaf or something? The audio goes out every three seconds. I've figured out the only thing worse than hearing Radiohead every second: hearing Radiohead every other second. So, what is it, Dean? Are you too good for OK Computer? Do you have something against The Bends? Do they not set the right mood for you? And what mood are you trying to set, exactly, every single night? Are you trying to muster up the courage to finally do it? I don't know if you can Baker Act someone over something like this, but I'm willing to try. I'd rather think it was a cry for help than something you actually enjoy doing every night.

So, Dean, in closing, cut this shit out. And don't forget that wall goes both ways. For some reason, I have several Yoko Ono records lying around, and a copy of Metal Machine Music. Don’t push me.