While One Year in Texas's world-famous autumn themed week may be over, there are still many great topics that have yet to be discussed and the season itself is far from over. For instance, nobody wrote an article about the hot new fall TV line-up, which is nearly tragic in my opinion. Yet, I am not here to talk about which shows I give cheers or jeers to. I am going to write about something much more serious: jumping into piles of leaves.
The question I am here to answer is simple: should jumping into a pile of leaves (which you did not yourself rake) be a federal crime? After scouring through endless amounts of academic literature, I believe I am finally able to give a definite answer: yes, it should be punishable with a minimum of three days in jail. Not a harsh punishment by today's standards, but tough enough to get the message across.
The scenario is as old as leaves and rakes themselves. Leaves are raked into a pile, you turn your back to get a bag to properly dispose of them and when you turn around there is a child in mid-air about to cannonball into your neat pile of foliage. Then with a mighty crinkling, the leaves are once again scattered about your lawn. All of that work and what do you have to show for it? Nothing but crippling back pain and a stress-induced heart attack. This is the reason this oft overlooked crime needs to be met with a more severe punishment than chasing the neighborhood children around while waving a broom. What are you going to do with the broom anyway? It is not a weapon.
I have already told you my proposal for a punishment, but perhaps I should elaborate in order to pad this article a little. Who writes an article with only three paragraphs anyway? Not me, that's for sure. While spending three days in jail seems harsh to an adult who has been enjoying the mouth-wateringly fruity taste of freedom for decades, a young hooligan (and let's call a spade a spade, these children are nothing but common street thugs) has barely experienced even a grocery market free sample sized taste of freedom. They will probably meet the punishment with a snippy remark like "I can do three days in jail standing on my head, grandpa." Being only 27 years old, this is a very offensive name to be called and may send you into a rage induced frenzy. You can use this extra energy to clean the garage like your wife has been nagging you about for the past several months. This is called positive redirection and a street urchin like our leaf jumping antagonist knows nothing about it. They are pure scum.
Sure, there are some precautionary measures one can take to insure that their pile of leaves remain piled and not jumped upon or scattered about. But why should we, the taxpaying Christian citizens of America, have to lower ourselves to hiring an armed guard to stand watch or installing an electrified fence around our leaf piles. We already have to lock our doors to prevent bears or rapists from coming into our houses and eating our cereal or raping us, respectively. Do we really need all of this hassle? I am sick and tired of having to lock my door and I'm exhausted from raking my leaves for hours on end, then re-raking them when some snot-nosed little dickhead needs to have a playdate with my perfectly constucted heap of leaves. Please call your senator and tell them to pass this law immediately or you will be sending them your leaves and they can deal with this