My Take on Halloween

By Jake 

This was originally intended as an issue for the Our Take feature that Maddie and I started a couple weeks ago. Sadly, Maddie's favorite cat died yesterday and she is too grief stricken to write about Halloween. It reminds her too much of her cat because that was her costume every year. So, please send her consoling emails at

I do not dress up for Halloween and it pisses my friends off. I honestly have no idea why, but it somehow personally and deeply offends them. A good comparison would be that they act like I do when I find out somebody I know is a big fan of Two and a Half Men. I guess they think I am gross.

It isn't that I hate Halloween. It is probably my favorite holiday because it has nothing to do with family or religion. Going to church on Halloween would be as unnatural as being in the closet at a Judy Garland tribute show.

Halloween is built around the trinity of costumes, "trick or treating" and horror. I like scary Halloween, not silly Halloween. I would rather watch Critters 3 or C.H.U.D. II: Bud the C.H.U.D. than dress up like Raggedy Anne, get black-out drunk and wake up with grease paint smeared on my thighs. That might be okay on a regular day, but it is not how I want to spend my Halloween.

I just do not find dressing up for Halloween to be fun. It takes so much time to pick out or make a costume, and I try to use the majority of my creative energy for this site and my other writings. I would rather write this article than make a Hamburglar or Grimmace costume. If you are supposed to dress up, then how is it fun? You will not freak a square out with a crazy costume. They're wearing one too!

I am 27 years old, so I will not be "trick or treating." I also do not like the trickery aspect of that activity. Why should I be obligated to give a child a piece of candy just because they dressed up like a princess or Dr. Giggles and knocked on my door? It is ludicrous. I do not want to give away candy for free or reinforce poor eating habits to the overweight children of America, but if I don't they will commit an act of terrorism on my house with eggs or toilet paper. I could use those eggs to make a quiche and the toilet paper for the diarrhea I get from not cooking the quiche thoroughly.

I will probably go to a party on Halloween with Kaleena and Beth and I will be the only asshole not dressed up. I will stick out like a fit person at the Gathering of the Juggalos. That is just the price I have to pay.


  1. Some say that Halloween is the one night every year that people disobey the rules of conformity and let their true identity show. I guess Jake doesn't play by those rules 365 days a year.

  2. You got that right bro. I was talking w/ people about this a week ago and called them conformos. I do whatever the f I want. I wore bunny ears for like 2 months straight everywhere. Glenn and Bub can confirm that.

  3. Jake, you should throw eggs at trick-or-treaters just to teach them a pre-emptive lessson

  4. I like this a lot reminds me of halloween when I was a kid I went as a pumpkin


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