Saved by the Bell: The Gift

By Jake

Episode 6314: The Gift

The Players
Zack Morris
AC Slater
Samuel "Screech" Powers
Kelly Kapowski
Lisa Turtle
Jessica Spano
Principal Richard Belding
George "Terrible" Testaverde

As always, the hallways of Bayside High are filled with very late 80s surfer types. Zack enters, sliding down the railing for the stairs. This is a very dangerous stunt that could have potentially ended horrifically, but thankfully did not. He slides safely to the floor. He gestures us over to his locker. He gives us his list of the three worst things that could happen to a kid: measels, mumps and midterms. What about getting molested by a priest? Too topical, Zack?

It is midterm time at Bayside. Zack pulls a prank on the students, which also serves as a demonstration to us. Every time he says the name "Terrible Testaverde," the entire student body shrieks in horror.

Due to the test, Lisa is a stress eater. Jessie is nervous about getting a grade lower than an "A." Slater challenges Zack to a game of water balloon target practise, but Screech is the target. Zack is unable to throw the balloon at his best male friend--Jessie is his best friend--and loses his watch. Then they switch the game to "Guess Who is Coming Down the Steps Next," which is an old-time favorite beloved by all. Slater wagers his bomber jacket against Zack's radio that it will be Kelly Kapowski. Slater wins, but he rigged the contest by stealing Kelly's shoes and making her late for volleyball practise. Slater is a fair low-stakes grifter.

At Zack's house, Zack is putting on a pirate radio show as the beloved singer Elvis Presley. While Screech is disconnecting the antennae, he is struck by lightning. He then shows glimmers of clairvoyance. We then see several more instancesof this the next day at school. Zack is excited. I mean, he is really excited--to nearly an uncomfortable degree. I don't know if he is hard, but I would not be surprised and the ladies would love it.

In Mr. Testaverde's class. He is lecturing and speaks incredibly fast, like Krazie Bone from Bone Thugs n Harmony. He is played by John Moschitta, the "Micro-Machines Guy."

In the girls locker room, Kelly, Lisa and Jessie are the only ones getting ready for gym class. I guess they are in one of those special gym classes for only three people. I was in that one semester in high school, but it was held in the gym teacher's van not in a gymnasium.

Zack and Slater play another game of "Guess Who's Coming Down the Steps Next," and Zack wins with the help of Screech. This really takes the "cheaters never win" saying to task, since only cheaters win at this game. Maybe this is why this game is so popular in Californian high schools.

Screech and Belding do a classic comedy bit in which Screech answers questions by Belding a moment earlier than he says them. The audience goes crazy.

Zack gets Screech to give him the three questions that will be on Testaverde's test. You read that correctly, the questions and not the answers. Zack only cheats at "Guess Who's Coming Down the Steps Next." He only half-cheats on tests. Zack immediately makes another bet with Slater. Whoever gets the lowest test score becomes the slave of the person who gets the better grade.

Zack invites Kelly over to study. He wants to make it with her, but Jessie and Lisa barge in (through the window, of course). They want to know what questions are on the test. He gives it to them and then kicks them out so he can study, which is a very confusing way to end the scene. He goes from horny to zero in a matter of minutes, which is sort of like a keychain I once saw at Spencer's gifts.

As Zack studies, Screech comes in and shows Zack that his predictions are turning out to be less accurate and now he is unsure about the test questions. Zack freaks out and he calls Testaverde as Mr. Belding while Screech creates a commotion in the boy's bathroom, saying school is closed due to flooding. Then Zack calls Mr. Belding as Mr. Testaverde and tells him he's sick and to give the three questions Screech told him to study.

In Mr. Testaverde's class for the midterm test: Lisa threatens Zack with vomit, Slater hands Zack a list of slave chores and Jessie threatens Zack with dog piss. Mr. Belding enters the classroom and reads the three questions that Zack gave him. As the words leave Belding's lips, Testaverde busts in. He is ready to help with the plumbing problems Zack told him about. He even goes as far as to say that "plumbing is [his] hobby." Testaverde and Belding get into an argument of who called whom, but quickly realize it was Zack who called them both when his cellphone rings. Belding gives him detention and Testaverde gives the real questions.

The grades have been posted and Slater has beaten Zack. Screech got an 'A,' Kelly a 'C-' Lisa a 'D,' and Jessie a 'B.' Zack now has to be Slater's slave, which would have been a good plot for an episode!


  1. Slavery is not a joke and the war of 1861-1865 proved that.

  2. Glenn, thank you for being the only one who commented on this. From now on I will only comment on your articles (which are sometimes written with me).

  3. This article will for years, long after the Fukushima nuclear plant has killed all life on Earth, attract people to this website from google searches.

  4. I'll try to get a new one out this next week. I know I've been saying that for a month, but I'll try.


no more comments from spam bots. fuck off.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.