Steve, This is the Last Time I'm Playing Online Scrabble With You

By Bryan


I didn't want to have to write this email, but you've given me no other choice. I will no longer be able to play Scrabble online with you anymore. Not on Facebook, not Words with Friends, not Wordfeud, nothing. While I've enjoyed a lot of our games together, lately they've gotten way too... suggestive, for my tastes.

I know you're into me, Steve, and I've been OK with that for awhile, because the little flirting and playfulness has generally been fun and harmless. You're a smart, cute guy, and I have no real problems with you, but you know I have a boyfriend, and I thought you'd respect that. So imagine my shock when Scrabble is what made this all take a turn for the worst.

Looking back, I realize now that you'd been doing it along. Sure, "seduce" was a pretty decent play on a Double Word Score with a Triple Letter modifier on the "C", but now I see the bigger picture. I honestly wish we could go back to those days, because it's only gotten worse since then. Anytime you had an "X", the only word you'd ever play would be "SEX," or "SEXY", or "SEXUAL", or "SEXUALIST" (which I was honestly pretty impressed by). I don't know how you found a way to get enough B's and O's to play "BOOBS" all of the time, but you were definitely constantly swapping tiles. "BOOBS" isn't even that great of a play, Steve, especially when you skip four turns to be able to play it.

It was the last game we had that was the final straw, though. You start by dropping "HUMP", which isn't a horrible play, and could mean a few things, so I let it slide. Then you play "KINKY" off of my "K" in "PERK" (probably a bad decision on my part, looking back), but I'm not too worried, it was a good drop on a few modifiers, plus you had two Ks in one word on a double word score. But then you play "LICK" off of one of those Ks, "CUM" off of that C, and "MOUNT" off of that M. At this point I'm wondering if you have a script or something to grab all of the letters to make these words because I couldn't drop perversion like that if I wanted to in most games. Here's the rest of your wordlist for that game:
  • SUCK
  • BOOBS (good to see you didn't drop the old favorites)
  • HEAD
  • TEAT (reaching a bit, weren't you?)
  • MOUNTED (ED off of the original MOUNT)
  • HUMPED (again, ED off of the original HUMP; just getting lazy at this point)
  • FLICK/FINGER (OK, even I had to appreciate the creativity of this one, playing FINGER off of LICK)
Then, when I mention that your word choice is bothering me, we get:
  • ICE
  • QUEEN (nice points on this one, actually)
  • SLUT
  • DIE
  • HO
  • LEZ
  • BI (admittedly the board was getting full, and space was at a minimum, so good job keeping the faith with so little options)
  • And finally, SLUTTY.

So, Steve, I think this is the last time I'll be playing Scrabble online with you. And no Boggle, no UpWords (is that even available online? I miss UpWords...), no crosswords, not even checkers or chess. I just can't trust you anymore, I'm sorry.


P.S. Also, please stop emailing me pictures of your dick, these are our work email accounts, we could both get in a lot of trouble.


  1. This is the same reason why no one will start a game with me!

  2. This is actually based off of my online games with Glenn. So I guess he got it from you, Nate.

  3. Haha, Glenn is always sending everybody pictures of his dick and acting gay on Scrabble.

  4. I beat Bryan every time we play gay scrabble!

  5. You're just better at gay Scrabble. That's all I can say.