Jake's New Year's Resolutions

By Jake 

Originally we planned on doing a group article for New Year's resolutions, but Glenn decided to make his a full article, leaving Mary and I to die. Well, I don't want my NYR list to sit in Google Docs forever, never seeing the light of day. I need this list to be public or else I may not follow through on any of them. It is motivation.

  • Protest the removal of the word "nigger" from Huckleberry Finn.
    Huckleberry Finn is a book that many of us have been forced to read by crackers or teachers (or both). It contains more than 200 instances of the word "nigger," a word so offensive that even Lil' Wayne only says it 30 times per song. Huckelberry Finn is a classic novel written by Mark Twain. Changing the words in this classic book would be like adding record scratches to early Bob Dylan albums--it might make it more accessible to modern sensibilities, but it completely alters the work. Starting 2011 off with this level of censorship casts a dark shadow over the last year of our lives.

  • Mourn the death of Richard Jewel.
    We all pointed fingers--all of us. Even Eric Robert Rudolph pointed at him, although he was trying to make himself look innocent since he actually committed the Olympic Park bombing. Richard Jewel was innocent, but I feel like we never properly acquitted him in the court of public opinion. This year, I will light a candle every day in memory of the deceased hero, Richard Jewel.

  • Buy a gun.
    We are heading back to the shoot 'em up days of the early 1990s, where everybody was "packing heat." Owning a gun will become a necessity for survival. By the end of the year, you will not even be able to buy salvia at the local record shop without somebody holding a gun to your head and asking you if you believe in God. Just remember, that is the most important question anybody will ever ask you.

  • See a 3D movie.
    I think I should see a 3D movie this year. I do a weekly movie article on this site and I don't think I can accurately tell my readers to see Yogi the Bear 3D without having seen a single 3D movie. It costs a lot of money to see a 3D movie, but it might be worth it. I wouldn't know because I haven't seen one yet.

    1. Oh yeah, FREE WESLEY SNIPES in 2K11!!!

    2. You saw Yogi the Bear, Chipwrecked and Toy Story 3D in 3D.

    3. I only did one of these resolutions. I saw Rin Tin Tin in 3D!

    4. I've only seen one 3D movie. It was The Passion Of The Christ. So good.