Untertainment Weakly (The Sequels of 2011 Edition)

By Jake 

Oprah Meets Her Half-Sister
-Oprah's mom had a bunch of babies and gave some of them up for adoption. Now, Oprah is coming to the end of her time on TV and she's trying to score some huge ratings. She's trotting out her long lost relatives, which, for a sitcom, is generally a jump the shark moment.

Skins Loses Advertisers
-The MTV remake of the U.K. has come under fire from some people (Christians and idiots probably) as "child pornography." This makes no sense, of course, because there is no nudity on this show. The UK version is filled with full frontal, but you can't show cock or gash on US television, not even terrible MTV. This show is essentially canceled, because MTV is awful and is a slave to their advertisers. Even Wrigley's gum pulled out and people chew that after they smoke crack.

Will Ferrel Joins The Office (U.S.)
-Zzzzzzzz. Oh sorry, even the mention of The (U.S.) Office puts me to sleep at this point.

Nobody is going to see any of the movies opening this weekend. Jason Statham's The Mechanic, Anthony Hopkins' The Rite, Javier Bardem's Biutiful and Camilla Belle's From Prada to Nada. Who the fuck would watch any of these bullshit movies? Instead of giving any of these bombs another moment of my time, I will give a run down of the sequels coming out this year.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodick Rules - Kids love diaries. This will be a huge hit.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 - This is the most necessary of all of the films on this list. This is based on a popular novel called "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."

Kung Fu Panda 2: The Kaboom of Doom - Kung Fu Panda is going to end up being the Land Before Time of Kung fu bear movies. The first one was actually pretty decent, but I am not very curious about the "Kaboom of Doom," are you?

Cars 2 - The sequel to Cars 1. This movie takes another look at a world where cars have faces and talk. This is a world I do not want anything to do. Owen Wilson stars as a car.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol - What in the fuck is a "ghost protocol?" Probably some Scientologist shit. Maybe it's residue that oozes from an over-heating e-meter.

Sherlock Holmes 2 - Guy Ritchie, horrible director and ex-husband of the grotesque, voguing Madonna, and Robert Downey Jr. team up for another take on the literary character, Sherlock Holmes. I am surprised people watched the first one and I will be just as surprised when people see this. To my friends: do not tell me you liked this or the original unless you want me to say assholish things.

A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas - If smoking weed and taking a 15 minute shit on camera is your idea of a good Christmas, then you might need to take another look at the life and death of the lord, Jesus Christ. Do you think Jesus shit himself while nailed to the cross? He had to, right?

The Hangover 2 - I'm surprised anybody could have two hangovers in one lifetime. I'm glad that Zach Galifianakis is going to be in this hit movie, but can we stop pretending that the first one was hilarious. It was okay. It's no Borat.

Paranormal Activity 3 - I was tempted to delete this from the list.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides They are still making these movies? Remember when people considered Johnny Depp a good actor?

Scream 4 - Trilogies are no longer in vogue ever since George Lucas made those Star Wars movies everybody hates, but everybody saw. Scream 4 is going to be The New Hope of Scream movies.

Alvin and the Chipmunks 3-D - The Yogi the Bear of 2K11.

Big Momma's House: Like Father, Like Son - HOLY SHIT WHY?

Fast and Furious 5: Fast Five - 5 Fast 5 Furious is going to be a huge hit for those of us that like our cars speeding and are fans of Vin Diesel.

Final Destination 5 - I would watch this to see the Rube Goldbergian death scenes.

Happy Feet 2 - I would rather be trapped in an elevator with sumo wrestlers like in that episode of Night Court than watch this movie.

Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World - When Robert Rodriquez made Machete, he probably agreed to make this flick in trade. It's just how his career has to work in order to produce crazy ass movies like the Mariachi trilogy, Planet Terror and the aforementioned Machete. This will probably be bad, but who cares? It's for kids and we don't have any!

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon - This is likely to be the worst film of the year. Transformers was a cartoon made to sell toys. Michael Bay makes movies for profit, not for art. I did see the original Transformers movie, but I never watched the sequel. From what I hear, it is much worse and features racial robots. Robots are all the same on the inside: oil and wires. Transformers 3 is a movie based around the Pink Floyd album "Dark Side of the Moon," which is an album our parents used to listen to before Kenny G started releasing albums.


  1. Do you know where I can get episodes of the UK Skins online?

  2. Yeah, canceledshows.com/skins.html

  3. I honestly read the whole thing thinking you were making up these movie titles. Now that I realized these movies are actually coming out, you've ruined my Friday.


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