I'm Sorry Grammys

By Glenn 

Jake and I wrote a hugely popular column in December predicting who would win the three most important Grammy Awards. We both (mostly) got it wrong. Jake can pray to the Aztec god CHALCHIHUITLCUE for forgiveness but I wanted to write publicly about how wrong I was.

First I pat myself on the back for what I got right. I said Esperanza Spalding would win Best New Artist while comparing her to the Iraqi National Army. Perhaps the comparison was a bit off - she's more like Fouad Mebazaa, the new President of Tunisia - but I was predicting the anti-Bieber backlash before it begun. All the time I spent in those chat rooms finally paid off. I don't know much about Esperanza but congratulations to her and me for both winning something last night.

I was wrong about Song of the Year. I figured the Grammys would go to the least common denominator and attempt to appeal to tea baggers with Ray LaMontagne. Instead they went with the greatest common factor among us and awarded"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum the best song. Fraction-related humor aside, I commend the voters for their brave choice - something I rarely do as a liberal.

Though it wasn't mentioned in the original predictions article, I never thought Hey, Soul Sister (Live) by Train would win Best Pop Performance Vocals. Train has been effectively blacklisted from the Grammys since 2002 due to their comments about the war in Iraq. This was a great injustice - perhaps greater than the war itself, which has been responsible for countless more deaths. But now that the war has been vindicated by facilitating the Egyptian revolution, Train is back! Thank you for standing up for Train and for the Iraqi people. Thank you for standing against Maroon 5.

Where I got it wrong the most was album of the year. I predicted Katy Perry because she has large breasts and seems to appeal to men and women in a strange way. Apparently people in the "industry" were predicting Lady GaGa's the Fame Monster. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the Arcade Fire would be rewarded for The Suburbs. I enjoyed this album a lot, though it wasn't my favorite from 2010. It was a nice step forward after the side step of Neon Bible.

The reason I usually hate the Grammys is because no one I like wins. In a grander sense, they usually reward the best-selling artists and not the real "best" ones as defined by other people. It's like if Independence Day won Best Picture because it had great action scenes and made a bunch of money. Instead that year Titanic won, which undercuts my argument entirely. But you all understand what I'm saying. This is a new era for the Grammys. We will never insult the intelligence, taste or sexual health of Grammy or American voters ever again.


  1. 12,000 former Grammy winners are given Grammy ballots. The will of a plurality of those 12,000 artists to pick themselves or artists just like them them every year so that they can perpetually win should not be denied.

  2. I still stand by that Arcade Fire are boring "dad rock." They are like Interpol or Green Day. Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti didn't even get nominated and their album was better than Arcade Fire's and even Lady Antebellum's albums. The Grammy's are still a joke, it's just that the music taste of people in our generation is becoming stagnant. Arcade Fire are the Steeley Dan of the 2Ks.

  3. I'm a dad, and I like Arcade Fire! I haven't heard The Suburbs. I like Neon Bible more than Funeral because there is more dread. It's also why I still think about There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men like they came out recently. Glenn is the Chevy Chase of Jake's Steeley Dan

  4. I just try to make Glenn mad. I have only heard one song off of The Suburbs and I liked it.

  5. The Arcade Fire at the Eagles of our generation, and I say that as a compliment even though there is no way to take it as one.