Showing posts with label Lady gaga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lady gaga. Show all posts

I'm Sorry Grammys

By Glenn 

Jake and I wrote a hugely popular column in December predicting who would win the three most important Grammy Awards. We both (mostly) got it wrong. Jake can pray to the Aztec god CHALCHIHUITLCUE for forgiveness but I wanted to write publicly about how wrong I was.

First I pat myself on the back for what I got right. I said Esperanza Spalding would win Best New Artist while comparing her to the Iraqi National Army. Perhaps the comparison was a bit off - she's more like Fouad Mebazaa, the new President of Tunisia - but I was predicting the anti-Bieber backlash before it begun. All the time I spent in those chat rooms finally paid off. I don't know much about Esperanza but congratulations to her and me for both winning something last night.

I was wrong about Song of the Year. I figured the Grammys would go to the least common denominator and attempt to appeal to tea baggers with Ray LaMontagne. Instead they went with the greatest common factor among us and awarded"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum the best song. Fraction-related humor aside, I commend the voters for their brave choice - something I rarely do as a liberal.

Though it wasn't mentioned in the original predictions article, I never thought Hey, Soul Sister (Live) by Train would win Best Pop Performance Vocals. Train has been effectively blacklisted from the Grammys since 2002 due to their comments about the war in Iraq. This was a great injustice - perhaps greater than the war itself, which has been responsible for countless more deaths. But now that the war has been vindicated by facilitating the Egyptian revolution, Train is back! Thank you for standing up for Train and for the Iraqi people. Thank you for standing against Maroon 5.

Where I got it wrong the most was album of the year. I predicted Katy Perry because she has large breasts and seems to appeal to men and women in a strange way. Apparently people in the "industry" were predicting Lady GaGa's the Fame Monster. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the Arcade Fire would be rewarded for The Suburbs. I enjoyed this album a lot, though it wasn't my favorite from 2010. It was a nice step forward after the side step of Neon Bible.



The reason I usually hate the Grammys is because no one I like wins. In a grander sense, they usually reward the best-selling artists and not the real "best" ones as defined by other people. It's like if Independence Day won Best Picture because it had great action scenes and made a bunch of money. Instead that year Titanic won, which undercuts my argument entirely. But you all understand what I'm saying. This is a new era for the Grammys. We will never insult the intelligence, taste or sexual health of Grammy or American voters ever again.

Grammy Predictions 2011

By Jake & Glenn

For the past two years, we have predicted who would win Best Picture at the Academy Awards. After receiving our twelfth cease and desist order from the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, we decided to switch tone. That was an attempt a a pun because we will now predict winners of the Grammy Awards instead. No one has ever been stopped from predicting this awards show and no one has ever enjoyed reading such predictions. In fact, people were never able to accurately predict the Grammys before because no one ever knew the nominees ahead of time. Julian Assange and WikiLeaks changed that this year by releasing the nominees along with 250,000 diplomatic cables from the American government. Let this article be the reason his death wasn't in vain.



SONG OF THE YEAR


"Beg Steal Or Borrow" by Ray LaMontagne And The Pariah Dogs
"F*** You! (Forget You)" by Cee Lo
"The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert
"Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem featuring Rihanna
"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum

Glenn: What a great list of nominees! These were songs that defined our year and what a wonderful year it was. "Beg Steal or Borrow," song by the smooth sounding baritone of Ray LaMontagne, was the perfect description of how the federal government dealt with budgetary issues and found its place at many tea party rallies over the summer. I'm not as familiar with the "F*** You" song by Cee-Lo, but I remember as a teenager loving his other song called "I Wish" about being taller. "Need You Now" and "The House That Built Me" are easily forgotten and hold no chance to win song of the year. "Need You Now," like most things by Lady Antebellum/Gaga was popular among the youngest and most female/homosexual of music listeners, but that isn't who votes at the Grammys. "The House That Built Me" is the only thing that can compete with the LaMontagne song. THTBM has a great thumping beat enjoyed by everyone who lies to go "clubbing," but brain dead club kids don't vote in the Grammys either. Winner: Ray LaMontagne - "Beg Steal Or Borrow".

Jake: I had only heard two of these songs until today, and, for the first time in my life, I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing something (listening to these songs). The Pariah Dogs are a folk-pop group. Lady Antebellum and Miranda Lambert are terrible country pop artists. Obviously, this does not necessarily factor into the voting of the Grammy committee, but it should. Country pop is possibly the worst genre of modern music. I would rather listen to zydeco music, and even the zydeco bands nominated for a Grammy are the poppiest, most popular ones out and not the truly passionate ones. Cee Lo will win. He is the singer of Gnarls Barkley and that band is pretty popular and Gwenyth Paltrow sang "Fuck You" on an episode of Glee. Gwenyth Paltrow, although 45 years old and married to that chode from Coldplay, is still my musical hero. What she says go, and nobody better say otherwise, unless it is about Coldplay. They suck. Winner: Cee Lo - "Fuck You".

BEST NEW ARTIST


Justin Bieber
Drake
Florence & The Machine
Mumford & Sons
Esperanza Spalding

Jake: 2010 was a very robust year for new artists coming on the scene. Every artist nominated for this category is equally the best, so it is going to be a particularly difficult decision for the Grammy committee. Justin Bieber and Drake are the odds on favorites. They are the modern-day Beatles and Rolling Stones, respectively. Drake starred on the MTV version of Degrassi and Justin Bieber was on some Disney Channel Show probably. I feel like the true winner of this award will be us, the music-listening/award-show-watching public. If Justin Bieber and Drake perform a duet while Florence & The Machine and Mumford & Sons back them up, I will literally die from ejaculating my soul out of my body. What about Esperanza Spalding, you might be asking yourself. She could not make it, sadly. She is grieving the death of a close family friend and knows that she is not going to win. Winner: Justin Bieber.

Glenn: In 2009 the team of Kuwaiti nationals who determine the Best New Artist nominees breathed a sandy sigh of relief at the then-assumed notion that there would be no more new artists. Then these five entities came onto the scene like the Iraqi army marching into Kuwait City. Drake is the one most like Saddam Hussein and certainly will suffer the same fate after similar beginnings. If the Canadian influence is strong this year, Aubrey Graham (Drake's real name) will take this. No one else has been responsible for the kind of riot he produced at the infamous South Seaport concert in New York this summer. He shared the stage with Hanson that day (previous Best New Artist winners) and Hanson can be best compared to Justin Bieber who will not win this award. He is too young and all of his music is for children. Florence & The Machines and Mumford & Sons will split the ampersand vote, letting Esperanza Spalding slip in undetected, like the Iraqi National Army in the first analogy I made. Winner: Esperanza Spalding.


ALBUM OF THE YEAR


The Suburbs - Arcade Fire
Recovery - Eminem
Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
The Fame Monster - Lady Gaga
Teenage Dream - Katy Perry

Jake: Glenn will no doubt choose The Arcade Fire as his go-to pick for not only this award, but for his favorite post-Oasis band. I am not a fan, personally. I do not care that they sold out, but I do care that they are boring. My pick? Katy Perry. She is by far the bustiest artist nominated for a Grammy this year. Sadly, Dolly Parton was snubbed yet again. Katy Perry has over-taken Lady Gaga and Georgia O'Keefe as the most talked about female artist of the year. All Perry had to do was have voluptuous breasts and appear on Sesame Street. Do you think Sesame Street's streets are literally made of sesame? I do, although that has very little to do with Katy Perry winning this highly coveted award. Lady Gaga is a "shock rocker" like Marilyn Manson and Slipknot, but theatrics only get you so far. She might win an award for most conceptual meat dress, but this is one award that Gaga cannot "shock" onto her mantle or bathroom. Who the fuck is Lady Antebellum? She will act as Ralph Nader and will syphon votes away from Gaga, leaving the field wide open for Perry. Eminem is getting too old to take seriously when he talks about shitting in somebody's mouth or murdering his ex-wife. Still, it's more interesting than rap songs about cars. Winner: Katy Perry.

Glenn: Lady Antebellum has done a great job getting a nomination in both Song of the Year and Album of the Year. The only problem is they are both named the same thing. This will confuse Grammy voters, who have IQs between 70-80 and used to be known as "Borderline deficient." Jake has me dead to rights as The Suburbs is the only album of this category (or any other) I have heard. Even though it is easy to insult the Arcade Fire for being one of the best rock bands around, I won't do it. In fact, I'll praise their tough, workmanlike ethic and post-modern lyrics. They are like a combination of Bauhaus and John Cougar Mellencamp. I do not enjoy artists such as Eminem, Lady Gaga or Katy Perry and for the same reason: glorification of violence towards women. But this isn't about who would win "Glenn's Grammys" (a Grammy knock-off program that should debut sometime next decade). Jake is right that Katy Perry is unstoppable because she has large breasts and plays catchy music. No one else on this list can claim both of those things, and that is what the low IQ Grammy voters will reward. I just hope the Arcade Fire do not stop making albums because of this, as I know I would be tempted to do. Winner: Katy Perry.

Tune in February 13th to see if we are right. If we are, you win a car!

Good Morning Operation Iraqi Freedom

By Stephen 

Last week marked the end of U.S. combat operations in Iraq AKA Operation Iraqi Freedom. Finally! What better way to commemorate this occasion than a retrospective?

Mission Accomplished

"Just kidding, ya'll"

Less than 3 months after the beginning of the U.S. invasion, President Bush announced the end of major combat operations in Iraq. Immediately hence, Iraq became a bloody cornucopia of sectarian violence and a military & political quagmire. Now that our war there has actually come to an end, most would call Bush's proclamation of "Mission Accomplished" premature. I like to think of it as prophetic.

Where Are They Now: Ahmed Chalabi



Who remembers this guy?! He's the one who "fooled" people like war criminal Paul Wolfowitz and NY Times journalist Judith Miller into believing Saddam had WMDs en masse. After the invasion, Chalabi's intelligence was proven to be entirely fabricated. Over the past seven years, he's been mired in a plethora of scandals, mostly involving SOP bureaucratic corruption but sometimes murder! Where is he now? According to Wikipedia "Chalabi had been placed in charge of "deBaathification" —the removal of senior office holders judged to have been close supporters of the deposed Saddam Hussein. The role had fallen into disuse but in early 2010 Chalabi was accused of reviving this dormant post to eliminate his political enemies, especially Sunnis. The banning of some 500 candidates prior to the general election of March 7th 2010 at the initiative of Chalabi and his Iraqi National Congress was reported to have badly damaged previously improving relations between Shias and Sunnis." Still up to his old tricks!

Au Revoir, Abu Ghraib

Yes, German Shepherds are scary. But not as scary as having your genitals iced, or being dragged across the floor by a rope tied to your penis, or being sodomized by a baton, or being forced to masturbate and fuck/suck your fellow inmates, or having phosphoric acid poured on you, or being raped, or being bitten by poisonous snakes, or being beaten to death. All of which happened at Abu Ghraib. However, judging from polls, public discourse, and popular indignance, these atrocities are less repulsive than the looming prospect of Park51.

I would have posted more, but reading about Abu Ghraib kind of depressed me. It's time to move on... to Afghanistan! Have a great day.

One Week In Entertainment

By Katy

Hello everyone! Glenn is busy doing a sit-in at Ground Zero to support New Yorker's right to kosher, veggie hot dogs, so I'm taking over entertainment this week. I'm really excited. I actually loathe celebrity gossip, current events, political scandals, and popular culture all at once, but I plan on getting pretty into it today. Shit has gotten fairly ill.



ICP FANS BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF TILA TEQUILA



Some crazy-stupid PR agent thought it would be phenomenal if MySpace and destroyer-of-outspoken-sexual-freedom "star" Tila Tequila sang at a concert in Illinois with The Kottonmouth Kings and ICP. If that isn't a set up for intolerance and violence I don't know what is. But since it was a set up for intolerance and violence, over 2,000 ICP fans pelted Tila with beer bottles, rocks, and even "took the sh*t out of the port-o-potty and threw sh*t and piss at [her] when [she] was onstage." Violent J of ICP isn't particularly empathetic since he warned her there were rumors about mass violence. But he did say he was disappointed in the crowd's reaction, boldly and intelligently stating, "I wish they didn’t throw stuff at her."



RAPE IS BAD...and easy


If you slept until 11AM today (12PM Eastern time/10AM Mountain Time/9AM Pacific Time) then you missed Wikileaks founder Julian Assange being accused, warranted, and acquited of rape and sexual molestation charges all within four hours. I wish my rape charges were so easily discarded.



WILL SHE NEVER LEARN?!


Kourtney Kardashian has been rumored to make the statement that she will "probably have another baby" with partner Scott. If you've been Keeping Up with the Kardashians as much as I have, you'll know Kourtney's family (especially her mom and sister, Khloe) loathe Scott Disick with the fire of a thousand burning temples. I think we'll all be pretty interested to see how the fifth season turns out.



"EITHER DO ANOTHER REALITY SHOW WITH ME OR I'M GOING TO RELEASE AMAZING SEXUAL CONTENT."


While I've made that statement several times to various lovers, this time the sentiment is coming from Spencer Pratt as a love token to estranged wife, Heidi Montag. I didn't even know these two people got married. I didn't realize they were having problems. But I had certainly assumed they made a sex tape together that Spencer was hoping to one day hold it over Heidi's head when the possibility of becoming unimportant finally hit him. Actually, Spencer literally told TMZ that Heidi was aware that his one and only goal in life being to get famous off reality television (and quite frankly, sex tapes are pretty real). He met her at a hotel to hand off her dogs and verbally held her captive while he sadly pled his case. It's people like Spencer and Heidi that make me hoe I never understand love.


TWEET, TWEET, BITCHEZ



Once upon a time, Ashton Kutcher ruled the celebrity Twitter netways. Then, *BOOM*, Britney Spears stepped in and stole his spotlight the way she stole Justin Timberlake's virginity, and not unlike American Muslims are stealing our ex-Burlington Coat Factories to build their worship temples. Now, a new Tweet Queen is stepping up: Lady "Tweet Tweet" Gaga. According to People Magazine online, the pop diva herself has taken back Twitter, "besting Spears by approximately 6,000 followers." I challenge each and every OYIT reader to grab the title out from under Lady Gaga's questionable private parts. By this time next week, One Week in Entertainment better be about YOU.


And that's about all the insanity I think we can handle for this week in entertainment. Go and get some followers!