Debate: Death Penalty/Capital Punishment

By Jake and Mary 

There are a few debate topics that are considered to be cliches: abortion, does God exist, is Poison Ivy 2 worth watching and, of course, the death penalty. Yet, occasionally these trite topics become relevant when Illinois passes a law outlawing them, and that is what happened with the death penalty. Starting July 1, 2011, Illinois will have a ban on the death penalty, essentially making murder legal. Yet, not everybody agrees on this issue, and we are going to stage a reenactment of such a disagreement.

Jake: Like I said in the introduction of this debate, banning the death penalty is essentially making nefarious crimes like murder, rape and living in Texas legal in Illinois. The flip-side argument has always been that innocent people are occasionally put to death. For every one innocent person receiving a lethal injection, there are thousands of super villain-types getting goofed up on death juice. And, yet, Lex Luthor is allowed to live in Metropolis and antagonize Superman, the greatest man/alien who has ever lived. This is the world Mary wants us to live in. She probably has a Lex Luthor poster over her bed with lipstick kiss marks all over his face. I have Superman bedsheets and underoos, and I support the death penalty.

Mary: According to Ron White, Texas has the death penalty in a Drive-Thru window for maximum expediency. It’s a slippery slope, so let's just keep Texas and Texans in Texas and capitol punishment on demand out of Illinois. Now that I’ve got juice on my mind, I sure wouldn't want to get in the wrong line accidentally thinking I was at a Sonic and get blasted in the face with bullets instead of slurping down a cherry limeade, which I’m not even sure you’d call juice or not - maybe that’s another debate for another time. There are plenty of good reasons for people to be punished by execution, as in cases of rape and incest, but our justice system is imperfect and, like any reasonable person, I'd prefer we err on the side of keeping convicted murderers alive and behind bars than letting innocent people die. Hopefully, a murderer or child molester in jail will just get shanked on the basketball court during recess, which is what happened in a movie I watch one time.

Jake: Yes, that movie was called “Recess: The Movie” and the producers, writers and directors are on death row in Illinois and they are very relieved about this death penalty ban. They will now be able to make another sequel that will poison the minds of our children like a cherry limeade poisons our bodies. We simply cannot allow justice to be served by other criminals during games of basketball. Not every rapist, murderer or pedophile likes b-ball, some like softball or even cricket. Imagine, if you will, a world where the death penalty is illegal. John Wayne Gacy is still alive, stuffing corpse after freshly killed and fucked corpse in his crawl space. His character Pogo the Clown has its own TV show which is fairly popular with children. Not “Bakugan” popular, but it gets okay ratings for the time of day it is on. The merchandising deals are not great, but they exist, and every once in a while you will see a child wearing a Pogo the Clown t-shirt. This is the alternate reality that Mary wants us to live in, where murderers, serial rapist and pedophiles have popular television programs and are celebrated as heroes instead of despised for being the monsters they are.

Mary: Are you serious? Cricket and the rest of recess activities aside, this is 2011 and the world I want to live in is one where the government doesn't kill me for mistaking me for Lex Luthor. I suppose Jake would prefer we go back to the days of public hangings on the weekends. The weekend was made for slamming bottomless mimosas and calling it "brunch" or going for a walk in the park. I also like to do laundry on the weekends and the best part is, while I'm folding my clothes and huffing Downy, I don't have to concern myself with the stoning happening down the street. Whether a person is hanged, stoned, lethally injected, or electrocuted, keeping the death penalty around makes it all practically the same; you're killing somebody for their perceived crime. There are so many people, how do you know if you have the right one? Let Jake watch Pogo the Clown and Recess, if it's still airing, on Saturday mornings until noon-thirty rolls around and it is time to go to the town square to watch somebody die!

Jake: Mary is against public stonings, but is for prisoners shanking each other. She is against Lex Luthor look-alikes, but is pro-huffing downy and watching cartoons. I’m no mathematician, but these things just don’t add up, especially the first one. The cases where innocent people are put to death is so low that it almost does not exist. Being afraid of being mistaken for somebody wanted of murder is outrageous, especially for white females, such as Mary and myself. Even “innocent” people being put to death is not necessarily a bad thing. It improves our odds of winning the lottery, for instance. It also lessens our population, which is getting out of hand. Mary probably won’t be happy until every American is starving to death because of over population. What a humanitarian she is!

Mary: Sure, there are way too many people on this planet. I guess in Jake’s reality, we would all just be arbitrarily electrocuted by state police to take care of that problem. Furthermore, I just don’t know if the government has jurisdiction over prison recess shankings, and if it did, is there anything the government can really do to further prevent it from occurring? The death penalty, on the other hand, gives the government the ability to kill people even though scientists have proven that capital punishment does not serve at a deterrent. Scientists are right about climate change, so why should I think they’re all liars about this one? Why else would we allow innocent people to die in order to kill other guilty people other than to deter it from happening in the first place? We should be more concerned that the wealthy murderers with really expensive lawyers are now back to blowing coke at the country club until their next victim arrives than we are about whether a prisoner will die tomorrow by lethal injection or decades later by natural causes. Either way, they’re spending the rest of their life in jail and the only thing I need to be afraid of murdering me are rich men like OJ Simpson. That being said, I hope Jake will win the lottery between now and July 11th and invite me over to his mansion for a pool party with Beyonce.


  1. I was pleasantly surprised by this. But I still side with Mary: no more death penalty and bring back public hangings!

  2. Haha! I forgot 'Recess' was so entertaining!! If real recess had so much killing, cricket would be legal in the USA!!!


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