Which is better: Cats or Dogs?

By Jake 

Are you a cat person or a dog person? I am allergic to both, so I am an outside spectator on this disagreement as old as time itself. Therefore, I think I am the best person to definitively end this argument.

Dogs are the Best
Dogs are loyal, so I am told. I have dealt with them. They are fairly stupid, but so are your best dates. Zack Morris (my basis for everything in life, especially advice on dating women and effeminate men) pretty much only dates stupid girls. Now, I am hardly calling Tori or Lisa Turtle stupid. They are brilliant, obviously. The other girls Zack dates, including Kelly, are so dumb that they have to go to the same college as Zack and Slater.

When you come home dogs will jump all over you. They are excited, much more excited to see you than your ex-wife/husband was. That is why you got a divorce, right? Dogs will wag their tails, which could blow out your expensive scented candles, but it indicates that they are happy.

Dogs do not have claws. There's a saying that goes, "this cat has claws," that is usually something a sexist man will say about an angry or vicious women. Calling a woman a dog, means she is ugly. Cat is also a slang term jazz musicians use for people, it is an all-encompassing term. It is positive. Anyway, back to the original point--cats have claws and they can scratch you with them. It hurts. Dogs can bite you, but they most likely won't.

Cats are the Best
Cats will leave you alone. If you have a problem with how needy dogs are, then you will enjoy this aspect of cats. Cats will not trash your house while you are at work. They might be mad, but they'll subtly show their resentment to your face. Garfield never trashed Jon Arbuckle's house, while Odie constantly.

Cats use a litter box (it is like a toilet full of sand instead of water). You have to take dogs outside every few hours so they can relieve themselves. If you have to work for eight hours or more in a day, your dog will shit on your floor. It is fairly unavoidable. Walking dogs can be a huge problem if you are in a wheelchair or excessively lazy. If you live in the midwest, as I do, you might not want to face sub-zero temperatures just for a dog to take a whiz.

A Cat fight is two women rolling around, pulling each other's hair (as seen in ECW). A dog fight is something that star NFL players force actual dogs into, and they force those dogs to rape. Neither of these things are necessarily positive, although I would rather witness a catfight than a dog fight. Both are apparently forgivable by non-PETA members, as long as you're good at sports. I doubt PETA has a problem with catfights other than the name.

The Conclusion
There are positives and negatives for both cats and dogs. It is not quite comparing apple and oranges, but it is close. Some might say cats and dogs are enemies and some say they can live harmoniously. When it rains it doesn't only rain cats or dogs, it rains cats and dogs. To truly come to a definitive conclusion, we must look a little deeper.

Some famous dogs include Marmaduke, Rin Tin Tin, Odie and Lassie. Famous cats: Garfield, Heathcliff and the Cadillac Cats, the ones ALF ate and the Aristocats.

Based upon famous animals, I would have to give the edge to cats. They are funnier. Garfield is funny because he hates Mondays, like so many of us. I don't know why Heathcliff is funny, but he is. The Cadillac Cats live in a junkyard, which is pretty funny if you really think about it. The ones ALF ate is funny, because ALF is an alien and most non-Asian people would not eat a cat. I'm not judging Asians, it is merely a fact. The Aristocats are rich--who has ever heard of a rich cat? Out of the dogs, only Marmaduke is funny. He is huge! Odie is a foil for the hilarious Garfield. He just is there to be pushed off of tables, basically. The other dogs have adventures, but they are not funny. I like a good comedy.

Result: Cats are funnier and therefore better.