Showing posts with label cats. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cats. Show all posts

An Animated Gif To Consider

By Glenn

Though you wouldn't know it from how I conduct myself in a casual/social environment, my professional job involves animated gifs. A technology start-up based in Miami hired me a few weeks ago to find the best and newest "viral" animated gifs on the internet.  We package a few really good ones with a lot of very terrible ones and sell them off again to organizations across the world after they've been given a triple-A rating.  It's like what happened in the financial catastrophe of 2007-2008 but instead of home loans it's gifs of cats, dogs, children, people farting, people falling down, people transitioning into a new gender, someone making a funny face, and bird attacks.  Take a look at the best one I found today:


Why I like this animated gif is the same reason anyone likes watching animals or children abused: you're a future serial killer or you believe in the inherent evil of man/beast.  If all babies and kittens are born as imperfect creatures modeled on an imperfect god, there is something satisfying about watching them punished.  How does this gif make you feel?  Does it make you want to have more children than you currently have?  Does it make you wish to have more cats than you currently have?  Can they coexist together?

I have been this upset at a cat before.  Once when I was a child our family cat clawed up our curtains and another time it drove our family car into one of those portals from Sliders and ended up in another dimension.  Thankfully it was able to slide back after a few months and we hadn't needed to drive anywhere in that time period.  It was still a thoughtless thing to do and I wanted to hit our cat for doing it. But violence only begets more violence.  No one deserves to be hit and when you start carving out reasons why people do you'll only end up hurting someone you love with physical violence.

At the same time this gif also demonstrates the bravery of standing up for yourself.  Attacked in an unprovoked manner, this cat decides to reject the culture of victimhood and instead strike back - showing the baby that there are repercussions for your actions.  With parenting at an all time low, children are sometimes not being taught lessons that if you commit some bad action (hitting, slapping, mortgage fraud) there will be a bad result.  Freud and Erikson always warned that if parents failed to help children grow and reach the next stages of their life cats and cat-like creatures would step in and do so.  I guess they were right.


Which is better: Cats or Dogs?

By Jake 

Are you a cat person or a dog person? I am allergic to both, so I am an outside spectator on this disagreement as old as time itself. Therefore, I think I am the best person to definitively end this argument.

Dogs are the Best
Dogs are loyal, so I am told. I have dealt with them. They are fairly stupid, but so are your best dates. Zack Morris (my basis for everything in life, especially advice on dating women and effeminate men) pretty much only dates stupid girls. Now, I am hardly calling Tori or Lisa Turtle stupid. They are brilliant, obviously. The other girls Zack dates, including Kelly, are so dumb that they have to go to the same college as Zack and Slater.

When you come home dogs will jump all over you. They are excited, much more excited to see you than your ex-wife/husband was. That is why you got a divorce, right? Dogs will wag their tails, which could blow out your expensive scented candles, but it indicates that they are happy.

Dogs do not have claws. There's a saying that goes, "this cat has claws," that is usually something a sexist man will say about an angry or vicious women. Calling a woman a dog, means she is ugly. Cat is also a slang term jazz musicians use for people, it is an all-encompassing term. It is positive. Anyway, back to the original point--cats have claws and they can scratch you with them. It hurts. Dogs can bite you, but they most likely won't.

Cats are the Best
Cats will leave you alone. If you have a problem with how needy dogs are, then you will enjoy this aspect of cats. Cats will not trash your house while you are at work. They might be mad, but they'll subtly show their resentment to your face. Garfield never trashed Jon Arbuckle's house, while Odie constantly.

Cats use a litter box (it is like a toilet full of sand instead of water). You have to take dogs outside every few hours so they can relieve themselves. If you have to work for eight hours or more in a day, your dog will shit on your floor. It is fairly unavoidable. Walking dogs can be a huge problem if you are in a wheelchair or excessively lazy. If you live in the midwest, as I do, you might not want to face sub-zero temperatures just for a dog to take a whiz.

A Cat fight is two women rolling around, pulling each other's hair (as seen in ECW). A dog fight is something that star NFL players force actual dogs into, and they force those dogs to rape. Neither of these things are necessarily positive, although I would rather witness a catfight than a dog fight. Both are apparently forgivable by non-PETA members, as long as you're good at sports. I doubt PETA has a problem with catfights other than the name.

The Conclusion
There are positives and negatives for both cats and dogs. It is not quite comparing apple and oranges, but it is close. Some might say cats and dogs are enemies and some say they can live harmoniously. When it rains it doesn't only rain cats or dogs, it rains cats and dogs. To truly come to a definitive conclusion, we must look a little deeper.

Some famous dogs include Marmaduke, Rin Tin Tin, Odie and Lassie. Famous cats: Garfield, Heathcliff and the Cadillac Cats, the ones ALF ate and the Aristocats.

Based upon famous animals, I would have to give the edge to cats. They are funnier. Garfield is funny because he hates Mondays, like so many of us. I don't know why Heathcliff is funny, but he is. The Cadillac Cats live in a junkyard, which is pretty funny if you really think about it. The ones ALF ate is funny, because ALF is an alien and most non-Asian people would not eat a cat. I'm not judging Asians, it is merely a fact. The Aristocats are rich--who has ever heard of a rich cat? Out of the dogs, only Marmaduke is funny. He is huge! Odie is a foil for the hilarious Garfield. He just is there to be pushed off of tables, basically. The other dogs have adventures, but they are not funny. I like a good comedy.

Result: Cats are funnier and therefore better.

Good Morning Hurricanes!

By Stephen 

This week marks the 5th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. For the families and friends of those who were affected by the tragedy (or by the federal government's grossly fumbled response) this is a time of remembrance and deservedly bitter reflection. But for the conservative racists of America, Hurricane Katrina forever laid bare the savage, depraved nature of an impoverished minority, fomenting and entrenching that deep-seeded prejudice against blacks that festers within so much of our white-bread citizenry. Despicable. Yet, in the wake of Katrina, New Orleans was rife with looters and some crazy shit DID go down in the Superdome. Like this:

"And the cats shall lay down with the dogs..."

Like in the fucking Book of Revelations! Even more terrifyingly prophetic was this:

An actual photo from the Superdome.

That's right - a cat found the one white baby in the whole dome and LAID with it. God's judgment? Nope! According to the ASPCA and many Saints fans, these kinds of things were happening in the Superdome long before it became home to Katrina refugees.

Today's Weather Forecast

Thankfully for Bermuda, Hurricane Danielle (above) has been downgraded from a hurricane to a Category I storm. But Bermudans aren't off the hook. A Category I storm may not incite apocalyptic wonders like a hurricane, but things will get very, very wet and looters will still be shot on sight.

Today's Anti-Hero

Roland J. Bourgeois, Jr. "The Bernie Goetz of New Orleans"

In the wake of Katrina, this man stood at the end of his block with a shotgun and told his neighbors that "Anything darker than a paper bag coming up this street is getting shot." And sure enough, he shot three black men coming up his street. He's just now going to trial for these hate-crimes and, despite his innocent plea, ought to be convicted and sent to prison. Just goes to show that racially-motivated vigilantism is never OK. (Other forms of vigilantism however, such as in the Death Wish saga, are acceptable.)

Music Video of the Day

Here's the famed Fred Coscia, co-host of the Staten Island Comedy Show, performing the song "Hurricane" - which may or may not be related to Hurricane Katrina. Have a great day!

Good Morning New York City

By Keelin 



Good morning, New York City -- I'm back in your overpriced, garbage-smelling bosom!

Loyal readers of the site may remember that I spent five formative years in Manhattan and occasionally return to laugh at the dreams of newly arrived generations. (That's second on my agenda this trip. First is brunch with Mayor Bloomberg at the Russian Tea Room.)

I lived through a lot during those NYC years -- 9/11, the Great Blackout of 2003, a group of British tourists asking me where Central Perk is ("You know -- the coffee house where Ross and Rachel hang out!"). I survived it all. And back then we didn't even have Pink Berry or Facebook.

Today's New York Forecast



It's hot as the devil in this city, which is fitting since it is also the devil's playground. If only air conditioning could wipe away sins in addition to providing sweet cool air.

Today's New York Song



Phil Collins is pretty much the worst thing ever, but this is still my favorite New York song. Who knew this guy would sink to "No Jacket Required"?

Today's New York Prediction



If you can make it here, you either a) are very wealthy, b) have seriously compromised your quality of living, c) are a chorus girl in "Cats." The rest of you can't make it anywhere.