Hot Rod's Guide To Mothers Day

By Hot Rod 

Today is Mothers Day. Glenn Danzig memorialized this day in his song 'Mother'. His mother was a very hot girl, that had black hair a cut-off t-shirt and could really sing. I feel the same way about my mom - the cut off sleeve thing at least. Most of her shirts have rips in them just like Danzig's mom. Probably because they both steal their clothes from the Salvation Army donation bins. I celebrate Mother's Day by shooting fireworks at the stray cats down at the train yard. I used to celebrate it by going to Pizza Hut with my mom, but the court ordered that I can't have unsupervised visits with my mom ever since she stole my collection of Carmelo Anthony cards. I made up a story and told the court that she was helping me save them up to take to the ice cream station at the Chinese buffet to redeem for actual caramel, and that she had bought me more caramel than they even have in China, but they didn't buy it. The court said they were used in an illicit drug transaction and that she needs to be 'deterred'. My court supervisor wants to spend Mothers Day with her own kids, so the way I see it is that people with developmental disabilities are out of luck on this holiday. Luckily cats don't celebrate holidays or have developmental disabilities, so there are plenty to blow up.

My first order of business is flowers. I know what you are thinking, and no, grass does not count as a flower. I know it is green and you cut it and you can't survive by eating it alone, and it can't collapse into a free fall without a controlled dynamite explosion, and Jews were ordered to evacuate it on 9/11 before the planes hit, but despite the uncanny similarities, grass is not a flower. Lilacs are the best for this day because they are just now blooming and readily available in your back yard neighbor's bushes. Go out at three in the morning to retrieve them so as to be undetected and to avoid the ghosts that patrol at midnight. A large Burger King's Onion Rings holder makes an excellent vase. It also makes a last resort condom. But only for fisting.

Second order of business is chocolate. Moms love three things - chocolate, black guys, and my basketball card collection. Your mom resents you because you are not a black guy, and because your social worker told on her for trying to steal your basketball cards. But one thing she cannot resent you for is chocolate, if you give her some. Give her some chocolate - it is an aphrodisiac; not that you want your mother to be aphrodeified, but you want to put her under so she doesn't feel any surgeries on her special day. She usually gets her annual tube tying this weekend, but some years she will opt for the polyp removal or colon lengthening. If you afro-americanize her with chocolates she will not feel that literal pain in the colon.

Last order of business is, love her. She loves you, even if it is not totally evident. For your benefit, she did a LOT of cocaine to be able to dance in night clubs in order to afford the basketball cards that she would later steal from you. She has been pretty horrible to you by some measurements, yet you still mean more to her than any other person. She is going to continue to do terrible things, and hurt you in ways she doesn't realize she is hurting you - like when you want to watch Sesame Street and she calls you a 'baby' and makes you spit out your pacifier; but everybody does terrible things whether they mean to or not - it is a difference of kinds not degrees. Forgive her man, no matter what. Love may not conquer all, but if you die while feeling love you could not ask for more, except for more freezie pops. Happy Mothers Day, suckers!!


  1. Haha, you need a condom for fisting? And all of this time I have been having unprotected fistings.

  2. I feel like I took a wild time-travel while reading this article back to my days as a wee one on the witness stand. Nostalgic and wonderful!