By Glenn & Bub
Hearing about people’s dreams is a time honored tradition among the American people. Different tribes in this great land have been passing along oral histories of each other’s dreams since Christopher Columbus first discovered this continent in approximately 10,000 BC. We return to that tradition today with a recollection of the OYIT staff’s recent dreams.
I had a dream my old co-worker was murdering people, but then instead of people they turned out to just be mannequins. I think it was from the movie Mannequin because Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall came out and had sex with each other. Then I turned into a mannequin. When I woke up I was still a mannequin.
My dad and I were fishing on a lake, or a river. It might have been a creek actually. I though I had caught something but then I pulled my line out of the ocean and it was just an old boot. My dad called it a “boot fish” so I didn’t feel bad about not catching a fish. We ate it and it tasted the same as anything I’ve had from Long’s John’s Silver.
There was this mentally handicapped gentleman sitting on a bench. He was dressed like Pee Wee Herman, and he kept going on about a box of chocolates. I was really pissed about Nixon being a dick so I smacked my girlfriend Jenny, and the Pee Wee Herman guy stabbed me and Jenny with a syringe full of AIDS.
I was driving around New York looking for parking and I was mad. It was kind of like that scene in The Squid and the Whale except I didn’t have my son with me. In my dream I didn’t have a son, which is how I knew it was a dream and not real life. Then my car floated up in the air and I was driving around looking for parking spots in the air. It was kind of like that scene in Back to the Future II when they fly the car in the air except I wasn’t driving a DeLorean. That’s how I knew it was a dream and not real life because in real life I drive a DeLorean.
I dreamt I was a human airplane. Not some offensive interspecies variety, but I devised a contraption where I strapped wings to both of my arms, and attached small jet engines to them. I flew up to 5,000 feet in a Lear jet for my own take off. I flipped a switch, closed my eyes, and leaped. What a rush! It was like jumping out of an airplane and then flying with jet-wings attached to your arms!! I was soaring. I would move my arms in different directions to perform tricks and go into spirals. As I got closer to the ground I realized I was heading toward a remote Tibetan forest, and that I had not installed any landing gear on my feet. I panicked and passed out from the anxiety. I woke up in the dream a week later. I was working the cash register at a Tibetan Wal Mart. When a customer came to the check out line to purchase goods they would present them to me along with their payment, and add the disclaimer ‘I don’t really need this’. I would assure them ‘It doesn’t really matter anyway’, and then pocket their cash. Then my ears kept falling off...
I was walking through a gray-blue has and a faint glow was in the air all around me. Static, humanoid forms came at me as I walked forward. Each one whispered at me, but it seemed like they were talking through me to people behind me that I could not see.
“Today has got to be the worst day of my life!”
“I pay in all year and still more taxes!”
“Held a candlelight vigil for my cat tonight. Three years and counting...”
“Super excited about this weekend! Going to the Lake! Party Cove!”
“Seriously, X-Men: The Beginnings is the worst. I did not pay to have a gay rights sermon shoved down my throat.”
My head came up with a start. I sucked up drool from the corners of my mouth. My eyes came into focus and my boss was staring me in the face with his fists on my desk. On the computer in front of me was the Facebook homepage.
He looked furious. His mangled, yellow hair smelled like cat piss. Maybe there was a yellow cat on his head.
“Clay,” he yelled, “this is last fucking time you come into work late, hungover, and then fall a-fucking-sleep on your fucking keyboard! YOU’RE FIRED!”
Time freezes as I watch the sound waves echo from his mouth into my face. My teeth start to vibrate and then shatter. I swallow some tooth chips and then throw up all over my computer.
My former boss stared at me bewildered. He stuttered, then turned, and stormed out of my office. The door slammed with a --
My head came off my pillow and I found myself in a cold sweat again. My teeth hurt. Must have been grinding them in my sleep again. I hear more gunshots fire a few blocks away. I look my calendar. Monday morning. This starts my 45th week of unemployment. I open my dream journal and...