Return of the Dream Journal

By Glenn & Bub 

Hearing about people’s dreams is a time honored tradition among the American people. Different tribes in this great land have been passing along oral histories of each other’s dreams since Christopher Columbus first discovered this continent in approximately 10,000 BC. We return to that tradition today with a recollection of the OYIT staff’s recent dreams.

I had a dream my old co-worker was murdering people, but then instead of people they turned out to just be mannequins. I think it was from the movie Mannequin because Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall came out and had sex with each other. Then I turned into a mannequin. When I woke up I was still a mannequin.

My dad and I were fishing on a lake, or a river. It might have been a creek actually. I though I had caught something but then I pulled my line out of the ocean and it was just an old boot. My dad called it a “boot fish” so I didn’t feel bad about not catching a fish. We ate it and it tasted the same as anything I’ve had from Long’s John’s Silver.

There was this mentally handicapped gentleman sitting on a bench. He was dressed like Pee Wee Herman, and he kept going on about a box of chocolates. I was really pissed about Nixon being a dick so I smacked my girlfriend Jenny, and the Pee Wee Herman guy stabbed me and Jenny with a syringe full of AIDS.

I was driving around New York looking for parking and I was mad. It was kind of like that scene in The Squid and the Whale except I didn’t have my son with me. In my dream I didn’t have a son, which is how I knew it was a dream and not real life. Then my car floated up in the air and I was driving around looking for parking spots in the air. It was kind of like that scene in Back to the Future II when they fly the car in the air except I wasn’t driving a DeLorean. That’s how I knew it was a dream and not real life because in real life I drive a DeLorean.

I dreamt I was a human airplane. Not some offensive interspecies variety, but I devised a contraption where I strapped wings to both of my arms, and attached small jet engines to them. I flew up to 5,000 feet in a Lear jet for my own take off. I flipped a switch, closed my eyes, and leaped. What a rush! It was like jumping out of an airplane and then flying with jet-wings attached to your arms!! I was soaring. I would move my arms in different directions to perform tricks and go into spirals. As I got closer to the ground I realized I was heading toward a remote Tibetan forest, and that I had not installed any landing gear on my feet. I panicked and passed out from the anxiety. I woke up in the dream a week later. I was working the cash register at a Tibetan Wal Mart. When a customer came to the check out line to purchase goods they would present them to me along with their payment, and add the disclaimer ‘I don’t really need this’. I would assure them ‘It doesn’t really matter anyway’, and then pocket their cash. Then my ears kept falling off...

I was walking through a gray-blue has and a faint glow was in the air all around me. Static, humanoid forms came at me as I walked forward. Each one whispered at me, but it seemed like they were talking through me to people behind me that I could not see.
“Today has got to be the worst day of my life!”
“I pay in all year and still more taxes!”
“Held a candlelight vigil for my cat tonight. Three years and counting...”
“Super excited about this weekend! Going to the Lake! Party Cove!”
“Seriously, X-Men: The Beginnings is the worst. I did not pay to have a gay rights sermon shoved down my throat.”
BOOM
My head came up with a start. I sucked up drool from the corners of my mouth. My eyes came into focus and my boss was staring me in the face with his fists on my desk. On the computer in front of me was the Facebook homepage.
He looked furious. His mangled, yellow hair smelled like cat piss. Maybe there was a yellow cat on his head.
“Clay,” he yelled, “this is last fucking time you come into work late, hungover, and then fall a-fucking-sleep on your fucking keyboard! YOU’RE FIRED!”
Time freezes as I watch the sound waves echo from his mouth into my face. My teeth start to vibrate and then shatter. I swallow some tooth chips and then throw up all over my computer.
My former boss stared at me bewildered. He stuttered, then turned, and stormed out of my office. The door slammed with a --
BANG
My head came off my pillow and I found myself in a cold sweat again. My teeth hurt. Must have been grinding them in my sleep again. I hear more gunshots fire a few blocks away. I look my calendar. Monday morning. This starts my 45th week of unemployment. I open my dream journal and...

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Dream Journal [3-10-09]

By Jake and Kaleena

Dreams, the foundation of our sleep houses. If it weren't for dreams what would we have? Nothing, that's what. Literally nothing. We would all be dead and stuffed inside of John Wayne Gacy's crawl space. Thanfully, we have dreams, and thank God that we can keep journals of them.

I was sitting in a Pizza Hut reading Noam Chomsky's book on 9/11. I was laughing so hard. The waitress came over and told me to stop laughing and I proposed to her. We got married and honeymooned in Paris. It was fabulous!

I was hanging out with three guys (two of whom were the guys from 'Flight of the Conchords') when one decided he had to go to the corner store. It was the middle of the night. I then left to go find him with a black briefcase with some valuable stuff in it (I don't know what it was, I just knew it was valuable). A big black dude stops me and says I have to help him with a drive-by. I tell him I don't want to. He says "you have to". Then I say "why" and he says "or else I'll shoot you". So I say "good reason" and we get into his circa 1973 Blazer (pimped out, of course) and he jacks the hydraulics until we're riding about 10 feet in the air. We're driving to our destination when the guy mentions we're going after the rapper Saigon. "Not Saigon!" I say - "we haven't got a chance!" He's on his cell and not paying attention to me. I'm hoping I can duck in time to avoid the crossfire. What a vivid and invigorating dream it was.

I was fishing with my uncle Larry. He was using leeches as his bait. I knew it was a dream, because he only uses worms. He's very traditional that way.

I went to a thrift store to look for a jacket. The thrift store specialized in capes. I found five jackets and they all fit wonderfully. Turned out I didn't have any money and I told them I'd come back some other time. I don't think I ever went back. I feel a bit guilty.

Three motorcyclists were swarming around my house. They were digging into the grass, leaving a brown ring around much of my home. I called the police. They refused to come, they didn't even give me a reason. They just flat out refused. I stayed on the top floor of my house and eventually the guys got bored and left.

I was sitting under a large oak tree. The bark was kissing my back (not literally, this dream isn't farcical). I leaned back and fell asleep. While I was asleep, in my dream, I had a dream about becoming the world champion of Frogger. Man, Frogger really is one hell of a game, isn't it?

I am a 9 or 10 year old girl at my parent's artsy friend's house. A party is winding down and it's just our family and their's; the adults talking and drinking and the kids watching t.v. A 3 year old boy is staring at me and his mom thinks this is funny, like he is 'flirting'. He runs away in embarrassment to her, then comes back and climbs in my lap and falls asleep. It's understood in the next scene that my mom had gone out with his mom and him (this is about 14 years later) sailing but they got caught up in a storm and lost at sea. Grief stricken, my dad and I decide to try and find them. We are on an absurdly small boat for ocean-sailing and it soon springs a leak and begins to sink. A couple of dolphins come to save us and we tell them where we're heading and they immediately take us to a house that's floating in a marina out in the middle of the ocean-nowhere. It looks like the house I grew up in. We go inside and there's the boy I've known since childhood. He survived - my mom and his sister did not. I become overjoyed at the fact he's alive and realize I'm in love with him. The dream fast-forwards to a number of years later in a small,artisan village. I am pregnant and we (myself and the boy) are married. He works in a small shop, goes off to work and I'm wandering around the village. I see two women I know and hear them talking shit about me. I get pissed and duck into a coffee shop that has paint supplies for free and start painting and drinking my coffee. This is all real and I dream like this all the time. I don't need acid.

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Dream Journal [2-24-09]

By Jake, Glenn and Katy

Dreams: images while you are going through the REM state of sleep. Martin Luther King had one. We all have them. Sometimes we write them down, like King did. And much like King, we sometimes share them in a oration or, the 21st century oration, the blog.

I was on a hot air balloon with a court jester. He kept telling me jokes about babies with guns. I didn't understand them. He just kept going on. His flop sweat weighed down the balloon, but we just dropped some sandbags. We landed in Rome and ate pizza. The pizza was like Pizza Hut's Bigfoot pizza.

I was having what can only be described as a date with Barack Obama. We were in an apartment together in Chicago. It wasn't like a real date, but there was just something intimate to it. I got really mad at him for something so he appointed Martha Stewart Secretary of the Interior to get back at me, which in my dream mind might have had something to do with interior decorating.

I was watching House Party. Then I got sucked into the TV and was hanging out with Kid and Play. Play was really nice, he kept offering me sardines and pretzels. Kid was a total asshole, though. He kept calling me a scrote. What does that even mean?

I heard crying from somewhere in my apartment complex. I got out of bed and took off my shoes and followed the wailing to my neighbors apartment. When I walked in Yul Brynner was sitting on the couch kicking a small dog. I tried to yell at him for abusing the dog but when I opened my mouth I vomited up most of the Old Testament. I felt bad so I asked Yul to help me re-write Genesis through Lamentations. We composed a sad story about a girl lost at the mall.

I was in the garden behind my mom's house eating a tomato. I hate tomatoes, but this tomato tasted like an apple. Halfway through the tomato I threw it towards my neighbors house, but it hit a force field and lodged back at me. I ducked and heard an "oof" from behind me. When I turned around David the Gnome was rubbing his head, then he climbed up on a giant deer and rode away. I picked up the rest of the tomato and ate it.

I was in a corn maze (you know, a maze made out of corn stalks). At first I was sure I knew where I was going, but I progressively realized that I had no idea. I put on moon shoes and jumped as high as I could, but that didn't do shit. I slit my wrists, but candy corn came out. It was delicious, but I didn't die. It was a lose/win situation.

I was in a horrible car crash. My spine was severely injured and I could no longer walk. I could move my arms, but mobility was very limited. I went through rehabilitation until I was able to feed myself. Then I got married to a ghost. That ghost was Paris Hilton, but more intellectual. She went on and on about Kierkegaard. I would have rather married Paris.

My hands were purple and fingernails where green, but everything else was white. Off white. Caucasian, actually. The color Caucasian. Is that a color? Anyway... I drove to see Glenn, still at his old house. I walk in and see the house has reverted back to a funeral parlor. I walk around trying to find him and instead find Bub and Glenn's dad holding each other and crying. Bub points to a KISS casket and I walk over to find Glenn smiling, resting peacefully wearing three salmon button-up shirts. As I begin to cry, he hops up and yells "J/K!" I ball up a purple fist and punch him in the face.

I was wearing The Crow make-up and you were wearing a tight green sweater. I felt like we had a lot of chemistry, even though we didn't talk to each other and I don't think you even looked at me. I thought you looked like a really nice person that would possibly want to watch The Crow and movies like that with me. If you are please meet me at Neuman's Circle Friday at 9pm, I'll be wearing a black trenchcoat and The Crow make-up

A syringe full of heroin, I think it was heroin, was being injected into my by a chimp. I was tied up and very fearful that I'd have a stroke because the chimp wasn't being very careful. Then a dump truck broke through the wall and Steve Martin was driving it. He beat the chimp up with the aid of brass knuckles, then untied me. We kissed. Does that make me gay?

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Entries From My Dream Journal

By Jake and Glenn

If there is one thing that everybody loves it's hearing about other people's dreams. I know I love it. I eagerly anticipate the next oration from one of my friends about their dreams past. With that in mind, I have decided to crack open my dream journal and share with you, the wonderful readers, a few excerpts.


I feel as if it's not that important to give specific dates, so I won't.

I'm wandering around in a desert. The gritty sand is blowing against my sweat soaked forehead, forming a slight crust. A monkey throws its feces at me. I get confused. Then the sand turns into a Cadillac and I drive to Mexico.

I'm sitting in a dark bar drinking a scotch. This is weird because I don't drink scotch. I'm smoking a cigarette. That's weird because I quit smoking two years ago. I exhale the smoke into a light that is hanging over my table. The smoke curls around the light. A man approaches me and asks me to join him outside. I oblige. He pulls his pants down and I pull mine down. We have sex. That's weird because I don't have sex with men.

I'm tying my shoes. They are Vans. You can tell this is a dream because I only buy Airwalks. I play basketball with Jason Voorhees and he dominates.

I'm a contestant on Jeopardy. I choose "Infamous Vegetables" for $100. The answer is "Terry Schiavo," but I guess "tomato." Tomato is a fucking fruit! I was really angry when I woke up.

You'll never believe this one. You and I were together but at the Statue of Liberty where we have never been together! And the weird thing was the Statue was in Missouri instead of New York City. It stood atop of the St. Louis Arch and when we were done viewing it we slid down the arch into a giant cherry pie, which I think represented your vagina and my love of Warrant.

For some reason I had a sex dream about one of my close female friends who I didn't think I was attracted to. This dream was very vivid and when I woke up I wanted to find her and have sex with her even though it would throw my social world upside down.

Joan Rivers is roasting me. She keeps saying that my tie is like Harvey Firestein on Fire Island. I have no clue what she's talking about

I was at a Tom Petty concert and he was playing "Running Down a Dream" acoustically. It was awesome. When it was over he fed me gummy worms like a bird feeds its young. Then I gave him 400 pesos and he gave me a polo mallet.

I was trapped in a safe that was being submerged in water. I didn't think I could get out, but all of a sudden I realized I could go through objects. Then I went through a bunch of walls. It was pretty cool.

My ventilation system was really bad. I changed the filter and then it worked fine. Go figure!

My parents worked for the New York Giants football team and we were all together for a football game where Eli Manning was attempting to set the touchdown record for all quarterbacks in the game. My parents wanted him to set the record because they got a bonus for it, but my parents have never even been out of Illinois so I knew I was dreaming and was able to "break the fourth" wall and dialogue with my dream serpent.

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