By Glenn and Jake
like the neanderthals, modern man believes that when you die your soul
eternally hovers around the Earth looking for a task to fulfill in order
to pass over to the other side. Yet, there are still a handful of
people that are skeptical toward their existence. Are they correct or
are they the biggest suckers who have ever lived? This debate might
answer that question, but you are more likely to enjoy a Robin Williams
Ghosts are real, though they are not mentioned directly in “The
Bible.” I will hold off on my haunting personal stories about ghosts
until later in the debate. For now, let’s look at the objective
evidence. Since we evolved directly from chimpanzees, millions of
people have both been born and then later killed by the policies of the
Republican Party. If we assume that only a small percentage of them
(Mormons, Audioslave purists, child molesters) went to hell that means
the rest would have gone to heaven. But heaven isn’t that big.
Therefore I believe that some of the people who die stick around as
ghosts, whether to haunt their enemies or watch kindly over their family
members while they masturbate, cook dinner or make ignorant statements
in front of a television camera. In a recent Fox News/SEIU public
opinion poll over 63% of respondents agreed that ghosts were real
and that President Obama’s grandmother’s ghost was
born in Kenya.
Glenn immediately is trying to rile me up by teasing a point for later.
Nice try. I’m as unshakable as a two ton snow globe. Ghosts do not
exist! If they did, then movies like “Ghost Dad” and “The Ghosts of
Girlfriends Past” would be documentaries instead of brilliant works of
fictional storytelling. Sure, we all want our dead girlfriends hanging
out with us forever, asking us to explain the endings of every movie,
but that is not possible. We must settle with finding new girlfriends
who are easily distracted while watching feature films. When a loved
one--or a hated one, for that matter--passes away, all we can do is
mourn them. They are gone forever. They do not float about looking for
a Christmas-doubting elderly gentleman to haunt and convince them of
Christmas’ merits. If you do see an apparition, you are most likely
seeing a being from a different dimension.
As I sit here in an empty conference room, I can feel at least 3-4
ghosts sitting at the table with me. Perhaps they used to work in this
building or their corpses are buried underneath the house where I was
born, like Carol Anne in Poltergeist. Jake brings up ghost movies to
defend his point, but in reality they do much more to bolster mine. How
could human beings even come up with the idea of ghosts if they were
not real? Ghost Dad is fictional, but it was based on a real event of
someone having a ghost dad. I sometimes wish I had a ghost dad. The
idea that people just die and that’s all is so sad to me. I’d much
rather believe my pet hamster died and continues to run around my room
at night and chew on my dresser while I’m trying to sleep. Not to
mention all of the professional wrestlers who have been murdered by Lex
Luger or Chris Benoit - why shouldn’t they be allowed to roam ECW arena
for the rest of their lives?
Look, I’m not saying that Chris Benoit should not wander around the
ECW arena wearing a bra and carrying a copy of “The Bible,” but it just
is not happening. I wish it were. I wish Chris Benoit would have
murdered me. He didn’t and will not, because he is now dead. Movies
are a good starting point for debates, because many of our readers have
seen at least five movies in their lifetimes--one of which is
undoubtedly “Ghost Dad.” I happen to also find it sad when people die.
I cried recently when Gaddafi died, but he is not going to roam the
Earth forever as a spirit, sadly. I have never seen a ghost. I have
seen some different dimensional beings, but they were not scary. They
merely wanted to compare the difference between our “The Jetsons” and
their “The Flintstones,” which are numerous, to say the least. I asked
these beings if they had ghosts where they came from, about the “Saved
by the Bell” character Tori and what cheese tastes like in their
dimension--all of the real pressing issues--but I will save their answer
to these trying questions for my last point, much like Glenn saved his
ghost story for his.
Here is my story. I was once walking through a cemetery late at night
when I heard a loud, bellowing laugh. I turned and saw a headstone for
John Candy, the famous comedian. This was the day after he had died!
Now, I don’t know if that laugh for sure was John Candy but I think it
was. He followed me around for the next year, doing a lot of the jokes
from “Planes Trains and Automobiles” in addition to some of his earlier
work on “SCTV.” By the second month the novelty had worn off and I
asked him to leave me alone but he wouldn’t. That was when I first got
really angry at ghosts. I suppose Jake would have you believe that John
Candy never died and is hidden in a bunker somewhere out in the
Southwest. To which I say: hogwash! In a world where the gap between
the rich and poor grows bigger every day and in a world where crystals
have failed to heal Steve Jobs’s cancer, ghosts are the only thing we
know we can rely on. The ghost of Steve Jobs watches over me right now
as I type on this Apple IIGs computer. Thank you for inventing this
computer Steve and did you have garlic for dinner?
If I was going to believe in ghosts--and I am not--the only one I
would even consider putting faith behind is that of John Candy. Glenn
knows this and is using it to try and lure me into a trap. Sorry, bro.
Not even an anecdotal story about the ghost of America’s favorite fat
funny man (sorry, Chris Farley’s corpse) can make me believe in ghosts.
Ghosts are no more real than a funny Rob Schneider film or justice
through the death penalty. Like Obus, a friend of mine from another
dimension, once said, “I know not of this substance you refer to as
cheese or this “Saved by the Bell” character Tori, but I do know that in
neither of our dimensions ghosts exist.” It is very odd how fitting
that quote is to this debate. It’s almost like I made it up, much like
Glenn made up his anecdote about John Candy and I made up that I cried
when Gaddafi passed away. Still, regardless of the swirling vortex of
lies this debate is filled with, I can promise you that one thing is
true: ghosts do not exist.