By Jake and Glenn
you ever been dining at the local Red Robbin restaurant and all of a
sudden a large argument about abortion breaks out? It has happened to
me as many times as I have dined at a Red Robin--two. Mississippi is
taking this argument to the next logical level: trying to pass a law in
order to give fetuses “personhood rights.” This would make a doctor who
performs an abortion guilty of the “future crime” of murder and put
fetuses on a level legal playing field with our readers and the
Mississippi State University rugby team.
A fetus growing inside a human person is the just punishment after an
evening of sexual sinnery. It is as if nature has put handcuffs around
your wrists and you will now be serving 18 years to life. If one can
just go to a doctor who specializes in slapping nature in the face, they
currently can have this fetus removed and flushed down the toilet like
so many of my deceased pet goldfish. There is no topic that is as
personal or elicits such feverish responses as abortion. To abort or
not to abort, that is the question--but not the question of this debate.
Should a fetus have the same rights as a real human? You better
believe it, Jack. These rights include: the right to not be killed via
coat hanger or vacuum, the right to an attorney and the right to remain
silent. If I have these rights, then why not give them to an unborn
baby? It just does not make sense.
The one thing I immediately agree on is that civil rights should be
sensible. That is why I opposed granting amnesty to telecommunications
companies, supported the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and am firmly opposed
to granting fetuses the same rights we all take for
granted every day. Can you imagine waiting HOURS to
cast a vote for a third party candidate in 2012 and you have to stand
behind a fetus, dripping with amniotic fluid and still umbilicalled to
its mother? Or imagine an expectant mother driving in the carpool lane
while you sit in highway traffic listening to podcasts from Radio Free
Europe and trying to figure out how you can help the people of
Uzbekistan. American fetuses will soon have more rights than political
dissidents all over the world and that’s just wrong. “Humans First!” is
my motto and half human/reptile fetuses second.
A fetus could one day become president or walk on the surface of the
moon. Now, I know how you feel about space exploration, but for a
minute do not let your personal feelings toward NASA cloud your
judgment. A fetus might not be a person, but some of the best people I
know are fetuses. Has a fetus ever stolen your girlfriend? Has a fetus
ever been involved a hit and run accident? Has a fetus ever tried to
enforce “Chinese cuts” on the person in front of you in the lunch line?
No, a fetus would never do such a thing. Before we go around spouting
catchphrases like “Humans first!” we should take a second to think of a
few humans that we would be putting first: Adolf Hitler, Billy Crystal,
O.J. Simpson, Whoopi Goldberg, John Wayne Gacy, Jr. and Robin Williams.
I would put a fetus before any of history’s greatest monsters and I
think they should have the same rights as any of them.
Although references to Billy Crystal might give you credibility with
the indie rock crowd, your assertion that a fetus would never do things
like steal your girlfriend or steal a newspaper off your front lawn is
absurd. The contours of the fetal race is just as varied as humans,
apes and canines. Some fetuses are are wonderful and others would just
as soon strangle you with their umbilical cords.
main point I think we are forgetting about here is that if fetuses are
granted personhood abortion will be considered murder instead of an
acceptable form of population control. The very popular game of Clue
will have to be pulled off the shelf and retooled so that it can end
with scenarios like “Dr. Tiller in the operating room with the suction
catheter.” Our prisons will be full of pregnant women and doctors
instead of what they should contain: non-violent drug offenders. This
is a nightmare scenario that even a fetus would hate to dream - and we
know feti can dream from the movie “A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream
Your last sentence about the fantastic film “A Nightmare on Elm
Street: The Dream Child” raises a very interesting point. If a fetus
can dream, then is it just a fetus or is it a person? I would have to
say that it is still just a fetus, but there are people out there who
would argue otherwise. Sure, one could write them off as being
fanatical religious types or brain damaged, but does that make their
opinion count less? Shouldn’t people with severe brain damage be
allowed to make our laws? Are they less than people just because their
brains do not function on the same level as ours? No, and the same goes
for a fetus. I say we grant fetuses
personhood, and if you don’t want to have the baby to term, then have it
implanted into the womb of a “pro-life” person. Problem solved.
Two song lyrics come to mind: “If he can’t sleep how will he ever
dream again?” from “Unemployable” by Pearl Jam and “You might sleep BUT
YOU WILL NEVER DREAM” from “Suffer Little Children” by the Smiths. I
love both these songs but not as much as I love my own freedom to vote,
file a wrongful death law suit against Best Buy or protest outside of
Blockbuster Video. I lost most of these freedoms when Barack Obama
became President and I’ll lose the rest if feti are granted personhood.
For you see, there is a pie of freedoms and rights that’s only so big.
If you carve out a new slice it means mine gets even smaller. Fetuses
are not clamoring for personhood rights and for all we know enjoy the
warmth of the womb until they are forced to enter this rotten world. If
a fetus wants the same rights I have, it should burst forth from a
woman’s stomach, grab my neck and demand them. Until then, stay in the
womb and be thankful you don’t have to deal with the responsibility of
overthrowing our corrupt capitalist caliphate.