Untertainment Weakly (11-11-11)

By Jake

Andy Rooney is dead.  Now who will complain about everything?  Oh yeah, teenagers.

Ridley Scott will direct the sequel to Blade Runner.

Jennifer Lopez is working on a “Carmen Sandiego” movie.  She will produce and possibly star.

Megan Mullally is joining the cast of “Breaking In.”

Brett Ratner is no longer producing the Academy Awards after he said that “rehearsal is for fags.”  Eddie Murphy has also dropped out.

Bill Keane, the creator of the abhorent “Family Circus” comic strip, has passed away.  He was murdered by the “Not Me” ghost.

Billy Crystal has taken over hosting duties for the 84th Academy Awards.  I will discuss this further in the “Other Thoughts” section.

Howard Stern is in talks to joining the television program “America’s Got Talent.”  

Survivor host Jeff Probst has a talk show coming to NBC.  I really do not understand why NBC is doing so poorly in the ratings, they’re just giving us what we want.

Movies Out Today
Jack and Jill - Adam Sandler plays himself and his twin sister in this biopic.  If the trailer for this film suggests anything, it is that this will be, by far and away, the worst movie of 2011.  A woman lifting weights!?  OUTRAGEOUS!  This movie might be the nadir Adam Sandler’s filmography, and Adam Sandler movies are the nadir of comedy films.  If you see this movie, you should probably kill yourself during it.  If enough people do it, then they will probably ban it.

The Immortals - This movie looks shitty.  “Clash of the Titans” was garbage and this movie looks like that, but rated ‘R.’  You know if you’re going to see this already, and nothing I say will stop you, unfortunately.  Yet, keep in mind that movies cost like $10 for a ticket and you could use that money for a dimebag or hair relaxer.

J. Edgar - Hollywood really loves making movies about presidents.  I have not seen a single one, as I am not one for biopics.  They are often inaccurate.  All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t use this movie as a source on a research paper.  I would use the Wikipedia article.

Other Thoughts
Billy Crystal?  What a great replacement for Eddie Murphy.  Everybody loves Billy Crystal and he has only hosted the Oscars 70 times.  As I said in the Tax Day Tea Party debate, "Billy Crystal is about as cool as being breast fed by Richard Speck."  I have never had anybody tell me they were a far of Billy Crystal.  That would be like saying you're a fan of AIDS.

I saw a movie in the theater (my father paid for it).  It was the hit Justin Timberlake time-pun filled sci-fi thriller "In Time."  It was really stupid, but also entertaining.  They said the word "time" as many times as "Pulp Fiction" said "fuck."  I could develop a good drinking game off of this film, where you drink every time somebody says "time" or makes a time-related pun.  You would die of alcohol poisoning just like the characters in the film die when their green, glowing arm countdown hits all zeros.


  1. I really wish somebody would comment on here about seeing "Jack and Jill." I hope that since nobody has that means nobody saw it.

  2. If someone said they saw Jack and Jill, even as a joke, I would ask them to stop reading the site.

  3. Seeing it tomorrow with Terrie. Meeting Adam Sandler at the theater for live commentary. It cost like ten grand, but it'll be worth it.

  4. Three days late but hope you survived, Ryan. I would like to say 'In Time' was as awesome to me as the first time I saw 'The Matrix'. That said, I like 'In Time's concept of time as currency much more than the alternate universe of whatever that damn "matrix" turned out to be. Thank you.

  5. The Matrtix was the "real" world and our world is the matrix, I think. Really, the movie comes off as a cellphone commercial now.


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