Untertainment Weakly (9-2-11)

By Jake 
The price of Netflix just went up. Unless you just cancelled getting DVDs and kept streaming, and then it is $1 less.

In other Netflix news, they have failed to come to terms with Starz to keep bringing their content. So, that is really bad news for streamers.

The jackass who directed “Max Payne” will direct the next terrible, PG-13 Die Hard film.

This just in: George Lucas is a revisionist idiot whose legacy is beyond tarnished.

Hide your firearms: Dan Akroyd and Jon Belushi’s widow are planning on a TV version of “The Blues Brothers.”

Jaleel White will guest star on an episode of “House”!

Looking through entertainment news I was sadly reminded that Spike Lee is remaking “Oldboy.”

“Absolutely Fabulous” is returning for three specials. This may be good or bad news, depending on your personal taste.  

Movies Out Today  

Apollo 18 - The long awaited sequel to “Apollo 13” finally hits cinemas this weekend. This is the story of two Americans (“USA! USA!”) who secretively fly to the moon for one last manned space exploration mission. The government has kept this mission under wraps until they decided to let Ron Howard make it into a film. When TV’s Richie Cunningham wants to turn a secret space mission into a major motion picture, you have no choice. This movie might have the first hard proof of extraterrestrial life, so you better go see it, unless you’re xenophobic--and then you should protest it.  

Shark Night 3D - From the director of “Final Destination 2” and “Snakes on a Plane”--and hey, those movies are stupid fun--comes this take of sharks and the evening. If I had to guess what the plot is like, I would guess somewhere between “Jaws” and “Piranha.” This movie could be fun, I suppose, but it will probably be really stupid. You already know if you want to see it.  

The Debt - Finally, a movie about paying back your loans!


Other Thoughts TV shows are coming back soon! In preparation, I have been watching “Community” and catching up on “Bones.” I just finished watching the first two seasons of “The League,” which is such a funny show (and the first season is on Netflix Instant).

Speaking of Netflix, is it time to jump ship? Without Starz, it would seem that their new streaming selection would drop greatly. Amazon’s instant video service that comes with Prime has many of the TV Shows, as does Hulu Plus (although it costs more than Netflix). I’m trying out Prime right now and the two-day shipping is really nice, but the video selection is a little lacking. It is a bit cheaper than Netflix, though.

Existential Meditations - The Fall



By Bub

Nick and Willet were both carrying balls of cosmic clay. The color of the balls seamlessly oscillated between cyan and turquoise causing the mirage of a radioactive glow. Little bits of matter, wood, or sharp thin plastic pieces, jutted out from the alinear circumference of the balls. Periodically Nick and Willet would pinch a piece of the ball between their thumb and the second node of their index finger, tear it off and stuff it in between their cheeks and their back teeth, creating a large lump on the side of their faces that left a small sideways tear-shaped opening between their lips when they closed their mouths. At uneven intervals they would shift the tear-shaped mouth opening to the non-puffed side of their faces and expel a potent saliva-emulsion mixture that would sizzle and steam when it hit the sidewalk.

I promised June that I would love her. It seemed like an odd promise to have to make, but she demanded it. So I made it. It made me love her less.

Tiny electrocutions from a bizarre torture device led to the pointlessly painful and unfortunate death of the omniscient piece of bread.

At a Department of Human Services office a young woman walks in with her six month old child. When she approaches the counter a camel greets her by licking her face with its giant tongue.

They were granted food stamps and a housing subsidy.

I pierced a hole into the lemon and set it on the table, with the hole facing the bucket I placed nearby on the floor. Ashes slowly spit out, then a spark caught and a reddish orange flame spat out with black smoke plumes beginning to billow. This stream of fire and smoke became steadier and swelled, and then it sputtered, and choked out for an instant. Then a silvery blue flame ignited and the billowing black smoke thinned to a tiny trail of mercury. This continued at an accelerated rate until unexpectedly, water mixed with citric acid and sucrose began shooting out instead of fire and smoke. It was, as it were, a perfect stream of lemonade. Then came the nuclear explosion...

The house DJ was routinely spinning beats when he became swept up in a tornado. He was the only casualty.

International patent troll Megalotl Inc. filed suit against mom and pop internet start up Compyuterz Inc. for copyright infringement. When reached for comment Compyuterz Inc. spokesperson Jalal Ibn Compyuterz said, "We made computers possible by having a similar sounding name. Our service provides people with access to the world wide web, as we now know it, by licensing users to utilize the computers they purchased for that particular purpose for a nominal fee, instead of using it the normal, free, way. International conglomerate anonymous just wants to stomp on old fashioned competition."

Tombstone, AZ circa 1850; a tough fella named Julius entered a saloon with pistols drawn, the normally civilized folk within were mortified and Julius's normally red alcoholic face drained into a pale orange when several people shot him for doing so. While recuperating in the hospital the next week he came up with a great idea for a franchise and opened the very first Carl's Jr.

Everything in this world is a fluctuation, combination, and diffusion of living and non-living matter. It is really all the same as far as our tiny Earth system is concerned. The only hope we have is that one particle of new matter sparks off from every one billion particles of matter and anti-matter that meet each other