By Bub & Glenn
Whether you are trying to order the extended cable package that includes the 24-hour Three's Company Channel, or you are having trouble ordering a poster for the movie Problem Child 2, or you are trying to sue the estate of John Ritter without a lawyer, you have probably had to use an online chat support service for help.
Perhaps you, like us, also have the experience while chatting with support workers where you gradually devolve into a brazen lunatic to see how far along the support worker is willing to go; or you drop hints that you are a lunatic from the start.
Glenn and I did this recently. The following are transcripts from real conversations with chat support services, enjoy:
Chat InformationPlease wait for a site operator to respond.
Chat InformationYou are now chatting with 'Lee Ann'
Lee Ann: Hello Judy!
Lee Ann: How may I help you today?
Judy: Hi I am interested in taking courses at the Denver campus.
Lee Ann: Excellent! I'd be happy to help!
Lee Ann: So that I may better assist you, which program are you interested in, Judy?
Judy: What courses are offered in April and what time can I take them?
Lee Ann: Just one moment, please.
Lee Ann: Here's the link to the programs that we offer at our school in Denver:
Lee Ann: http://www.XXXX.edu/denver/areas-of-study.aspx
Lee Ann: For most of our programs, our next start date is on April 4th.
Lee Ann: Is there a particular area of study in which you are most interested? Business or Healthcare, for example?
Judy: ok, let me look
Lee Ann: Please take your time browsing our programs.
Judy: OK! How about the legal studies? WHat courses do you have coming up for that?
Lee Ann: Great! Just one moment, please.
Lee Ann: We offer the Criminal Justice and Legal Studies programs at this location. Here is a link to the programs for your review:
Lee Ann: http://www.XXXX.edu/denver/legal-studies-programs.aspx
Judy: ok i will look
Lee Ann: Great! How did you become interested in the legal field, Judy?
Judy: I always watch those court tve show
Judy: So when can I take classes?
Lee Ann: We are still accepting applications for our next start date on April 4th. I'd be happy to get you in touch with an admissions representative to discuss the programs in greater detail. May I please have your full name and telephone number?
Judy: OK, I was wondering if there was day courses or night courses in April, becaus I work
Lee Ann: We do offer flexible class times for the Legal Studies programs. Just one moment, please, while I provide you with these.
Lee Ann: Our class times are as follows: Day class times: 9am-1pm M,T, and Th; Night class times: 6pm-10pm M, T and Th
Lee Ann: We're glad that you're looking into our programs! May I ask how you originally heard about our school?
Judy: Theyres always commercials on tv
Judy: What is your favorite tv show?
Lee Ann: I enjoy many different types of shows! Have you had the chance to speak with an admissions representative about your interest in attending our school yet?
Judy: Is that the blond girl from tv? She seems nice
Lee Ann: We have many admissions representatives who would be happy to assist you.
Lee Ann: Are you available for a call with an admissions representative now?
Judy: My phone aint working but she could join our chatroom, or we could all go to another website, I dont know how that works
Judy: My favorite tv show is the CW
Lee Ann: That's not a problem! Our admissions representatives are not available to chat, but I would be happy to request that someone contact you via email. Could you please provide us with your full name, email address and year of high school graduation?
Judy: I'm not supposed to give private information over the computer ever since I accidentally sent monet to some people that needed help in Africa, but it turned out it was illegal. I stopped emailing after that too. So now I just use a chat room, so you could just leave the information in our chatroom and I will bookmark it. I have a GED I hope that's OK
Lee Ann: We require that students have either their GED or high school diploma for admission. May I ask for your full name and also the year that you completed your GED?
Judy: My friends call me Di, like Lady Di because I have a memento to her in my closet because when I was young I used to wish she was my mom. But my name is Judy. I probably shouldn't have said that over the phone. I graduated my GED in 2007, but I've watched Fairly Legal since it first came on.
Lee Ann: Thank you for sharing that with me, Judy! Could you please also provide us with your last name and full mailing address?
Judy: I'm afraid that a spyware is on my computer waiting to take that information for me. But you know what, I'm free as soon as Judge Joe Brown is over, I could come by and visit you in person this afternoon if you're free?
Lee Ann: It's perfectly understandable that you'd rather not give out your personal information. I can assure you that this is a private site and we do not release your information to anyone except for the school location in which you are interested.
Judy: OK great! I'll be there at like 3:30pm, I can meet you around the side of the building I've seen students smoking over there. I don't smoke but it's OK that you do. Anyway we can go talk to the admission councillor and even go to the hobby store that's next door, really I don't have a lot else to do today! Do you like macrimay? i don't think I know how to spell that right, or know what it is but I know it is some kind of craft
You are not currently in a chat session.
You are not currently in a chat session.
Problem: Not receiving any picture on my television.
Jonathan: Hello Glenn, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Jonathan. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Glenn: My Issue: Not receiving any picture on my television.
Jonathan: It's really my pleasure to have you on chat right now. I will be more than happy to help you with your concern. As your cable service representative for today, your satisfaction is one of my topmost priority as a valued customer of CABLE COMPANY to ensure that your concern will be addressed well at the end of this chat. How are you doing today?
Jonathan: Oh my! As a customer myself, I know how important it is to have a cable service as a part of my daily routine. Let me see what is going on here.
Jonathan: You've reached the right department to assist you with your concern. I would be glad to assist you. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.
Glenn: I know Jonathan. That's why I came to you. I knew you would understand.
Jonathan: Thank you very much.
Glenn: I am not currently at home. Do I need to be at home for us to run diagnostics?
Jonathan: May I know when did this start?
Jonathan: Oh, I understand you're not at home. However, in order for us to run diagnostics with regard to the problem of your cable box, you need to be at home with access to your TV and equipment.
Glenn: Okay, can you just check and make sure everything is okay on your end? Can we do that right now?
Glenn: I truly wish I was at home.
Jonathan: Sure. We will check here on my end if there is something wrong.
Jonathan: We are committed in ensuring the privacy and security of your records to protect you. Thank you so much for entering your information in the chat initiation form this will help me pull up the account right away, can you please verify again: 1] The last four digits of your SSN
Jonathan: Thank you for the information.
Glenn: You're welcome!
Jonathan: As In can see here on my end that there is nothing wrong with the services in your area. However, just a friendly reminder, Glenn, I can see on the account that you have a past due balance of $99.42. You need to pay this before the monthly due date. This is one of the reason why you're encountering service interruption with your cable service.
Jonathan: As part of our CABLE COMPANY Customer Guarantee, we promise to make it easy for you to access your bill anytime, at your convenience, by visiting www.XXXXX.com
Glenn: Oh, so this is like extortion. I better go pay then.
Jonathan: I understand, Glenn. As a customer myself, I should pay my bill on time so that I will not encounter service interruption in the near future because cable is really part of my daily routine.
Jonathan: Is there anything else I can assist you with for today? I would be glad to assist you further.
Glenn: Totally agreed. My life is becoming more and more like Videodrome every day.
Glenn: No, that is all for today. Thank you for your help Jonathan.
Jonathan: Good bye for now. Take care!
Jonathan: Analyst has closed chat and left the room