By Jake & Bub & Sarah
Video games: they are what modern children play with instead of toys or developing social skills. Yet, video games are not just for children and cats, adults like you and me play them for hours every day just to escape the harsh realities of life. Even when we cannot afford food, we can still feed Mario mushrooms and watch him grow, even as our own children lay on their mattress emaciated, with barely the memory of food in their minds. Video games are truly a revolutionary form of entertainment and their popularity is ever-growing. Here at One Year in Texas we have ideas for video games, yet we have no way to develop these ideas into the smash hits of time burglary they are destined for. If you develop video games, please pay us money for these ideas.
Suicide is Painless - In this game you are sent into every day situations. You are confronted with conflict. Much like real life, the only solution to any of these problems is suicide. You win when you lose a life. Run the Wii remote along the length of your lower arm to slit your wrists, use button combinations to end your life in various ways. Play as the special pre-order only character Romeo.
Mario Counting - Count numbers as your favorite character from the Mario Brothers universe! “4,5,6” says Princess Peach. “7,8,9” growls King Koopa. Stop Koopa from raping the princess by counting!
Pizza Face - Smear pizza on the faces of your favorite Hollywood stars and historical figures! As each new face appears on the screen of your television, smear a piece of pizza on their face. Comes with a coupon for one free large pizza from Domino’s!
Baby And The Bathwater - Comes with a small washbasin, a baby, and bathwater. The objective of the game is to throw the bathwater out of the washbasin without losing the submerged baby. While the game does come with actual bathwater, the baby is not real - though it has been ritualistically mummified. The winner gets to bathe in the washbasin while the other players simultaneously try to toss out the water and ritualistically mummify her/him. The losers get waterboarded!
Hello Kitty Water Boil - Help Kitty boil water so that it is safe to drink. Then delight as she tries to drink boiling water. Careful, kitties don’t have thumbs! Comes with a free electric kettle, a Hello Kitty kitten starter pack, and a coupon for a large bucket of water from Domino’s.
Lana Del Rey - “Lana Del Rey: The Video Game” delivers on the promise of her hit single “Video Game.” Perform on SNL as Lana Del Rey! Transform from Lizzy Grant to Lana Del Rey by using a special button combination. Win NME awards! Open a portal to a different dimension and defeat the evil Yer Led Anal. The fun never stops with Lana Del Rey and life never gets too serious when you’re playing a video game.
False Hopes Barbie - Help the beautiful, busty, smart, and talented Barbie work her way through seventeen years of schooling and earn her degrees in firefighting, teaching, astronaut-ing, modeling, and singing - just to name a few! Complete fashion design challenges to make Barbie popular, all while wearing pink high heels! The winner is rewarded with a minimum wage desk job that requires an 8th grade education.