Debate: Gwyneth Paltrow

By Jake and Sarah

When you think of polarizing figures what names come to mind? Adolf Hitler, Dennis Rader, Gary Glitter, and, of course, Gwyneth Paltrow.  Love her or hate her, Gwyneth Paltrow’s name surely comes across your lips on a daily basis.  Perhaps you’re standing around the water cooler with your co-workers discussing her latest guest appearance on “Glee,” or maybe you are talking to your mother on your cell phone as you speed down Ventura BLVD and attempting to explain why her character dies at the end of “Country Strong.”  Gwyneth Paltrow is everywhere, and nothing we do will make her go away, and perhaps we want her to stay.  This debate will attempt to suss out what side your allegiance lies when it comes to Gwyneth.

Jake:  Gwyneth Paltrow is an American treasure.  She is the sexiest woman alive (the sexiest woman ever was Elizabeth Montgomery of TV’s “Bewitched).  She endorses vegan products for--theoretically--large sums of money.  Do people have the right to hate Gwyneth Paltrow?  Absolutely not.  Even if she is married to that jag from Coldplay, she is still an exemplary woman.  If it were legal to worship a married woman as a deity, then I would turn my prayer rug toward Gwyneth Paltrow’s home in London.  Gwyneth Paltrow is the female Kevin Sorbo, by which I mean that I will watch and enjoy any film featuring or directed by her.  She is great!

Sarah:  If by “great” you mean “hard to stomach”, you’ve barely scratched the tip of the iceberg. She’s one of the many celebrities of our time who have an insatiable appetite for fame. “Look at me: I’m Gwyneth Paltrow. I won an Oscar, but I still need to perform with Cee Lo at the 2011 Grammy’s for attention.” Not to mention the heinous act of publishing a cookbook. Celebrities who publish cookbooks know they will sell because they are celebrities and “trendsetters” and all airbrushed. It’s just like, kinda rude to all the chefs who work really hard to push the envelope on cooking and then Gwyneth goes, “Look at me: I’m Gwyneth Paltrow and I can cook too! Pay me to show you how to make a blueberry muffin!”

Jake:  Gwyneth Paltrow is a master chef.  Have you not sampled her famous duck ragu?  I eat it twice a week!  I cannot get enough of that shit.  I inhale it like human beings inhale oxygen, but I do not exhale duck ragu.  I would never let it go to waste.  Gwyneth Paltrow is a world class actress, which is why she has been awarded the most prestigious award in acting, the Kansas City Film Critics Circle Award.  One does not get those by being boastful or a bad cook, one gets a Kansy by exhibiting excellence in acting.  You and I have yet to win one, but Gwyny deservedly has.  Am I jealous?  You bet, but I do not take that jealousy out on Gwyny.  Does one get angry at Kevin Sorbo for being strong?  Does one pop their top because Papa Shango is better at casting voodoo spells than they?  Does one switch to soccer because they cannot backwards dunk like Shawn Kemp?  No, that would be absurd, but it would not even touch on the absurdity of saying a negative word about Gwyneth Paltrow.

Sarah:  I have not won a Kansas City Film Critics Circle Award, but I did win Employee of the Week in college when I worked retail. Why? Professionalism. Does anyone remember “Bounce”? Gwyneth dated her co-star, Ben Affleck. What about “Se7en”? She dated Brad Pitt. Dating multiple co-stars sounds less like professionalism and more like Randy Moss, who once said, “I do what I want to do and I play when I want to play.” Great words, but not very professional. Also - and how has this not come up yet? - Gwyneth named her firstborn child APPLE. Like the FOOD. This poor girl now has to go through life not only being the offspring of two incredibly famous humans (super annoying) but also being synonymous with the world’s most famous computer store accused of child labor violations. It’s selfish of Hollywood royalty Gwyneth and Chris to give their kid a bizarre name so she stands out. They aren’t the ones who have to go through life worrying about headline puns when they eat an apple in public!

Jake:  First of all, let me say, you will some day win a Kansas City Film Critics Circle Award, you just have not yet.  I did not mean for my last point to come off so harsh toward you.  You are still young!  Secondly, who would not want to date a string of Hollywood hunks like Gwyneth Paltrow?  I know I would.  I have sent numerous, semen stained letters to Ben Affleck expressing my dislike for “Daredevil” and love of “Reindeer Games.”  Has he replied? Heck no.  If I sent a letter, no matter what bodily fluid it was stained with, to Gwyneth, I guarantee I would receive a reply.  Yet, I am too nervous to touch pen to paper in that regard.  Gwyneth is too beautiful.  Watching a film starring her is like looking directly into the sun.  She is too radiant to not stare at, yet you know that it is burning your retinas.  My world revolves around Gwyneth and I would not want it any other way.

Sarah:  You’re too kind. You’re also letting love (and the sun) make you blind. She is a radiant beauty - I cannot disagree. I implore you to dig deeper, though, and find the true woman resting inside her gorgeous shell. From a woman’s perspective, I know what goes into creating that radiance - highlights every 4-5 weeks, gentle face wash, skin toner, anti-aging moisturizer with SPF 30, eye cream with firming properties, foundation primer, foundation, cover-up, powder, bronzer, blush, eye liner, shadow, mascara, lip primer, lipstick, lip liner, airbrush, botox, lipo, etc. I’m getting bored writing it so you’re probably bored reading it. Don’t be fooled by the cover, Jake. Wait until Gwyneth replies to a tear stained letter and shows who she really is before you jump to conclusions. My conclusion? Gwen’s out. Kate Winslet is in!


  1. Sarah is right that Kate Winslet is superior to GP. Jake is right that GP is the female Kevin Sorbo. Gwyneth is right in that the "Jury is still out" over whether the Trayvon Martin shooting was about race.

  2. Remember when Gwenyth dyed her hair brown and it looked so weird?

  3. It is really weird. You probably would have won the debate if you would have brought that up, but you can't win a debate in the comment section. Or can you? I guess that's a debate for another time.

  4. Haha@ the sun making jake blind! Great debate!! Gwen gets a pass for being great in Wes Anderson movies, unfortunately. Otherwise even papa shango's magic wouldn't be able to save her

  5. I like that Sarah finds publishing a cookbook to be a heinous act. I think it was Hammer who said, “I do what I want to do and I play when I want to play.” It was on the "Adam's Family Values" soundtrack, I think.


no more comments from spam bots. fuck off.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.