Sincerely Sarah (4-11-12)

By Sarah

 Dear Sarah,

I’m blind but I’ve always believed that if I try hard enough, I might just be able to see one day. What kinds of things might I try to help this process? Just a little background on me, I’ve been 100% blind my whole life, my doctors say that the condition is irreversible, but I have my doubts as to whether or not those are legitimate statements. Also, I’m 83 and I have pancreatic cancer. Anyways, if there’s anything you think I could do to make me see, let me know. I’m tired of being in the dark on everything.

“Who turned out the lights?” Jackson

Dear Who Turned Out the Lights?,

Yikes. I want to help, but you sound like a lost cause. Yikes! Now that I know you’re blind when I mention any of the five senses I feel (!) so awkward. Your hearing must be impeccable, because you’re so blind, so I hope you’ve heard how helpless you sound. However, doctors in today’s day and age will tell you anything to make a few Benjamins, so I’m taking your side here and will offer you all that I can.

Find a new doctor that believes you will see again and is willing to try anything to make it happen. The more experimental the treatment, the better.  Acid Rain Eye Drops? Let’s try it. You’re 83 and already really blind. There’s nowhere to go but up.

Eat carrots. I think they are good for eyesight. Have a friend monitor your hair to make sure you don’t turn into a ginger. You’ve never seen one, but they are scary. Like a creepy clown with freckles. UGH you’ve never seen those either. Whatever. Just, have someone tell you if your hair is turning orange. Gross.

Wear glasses because I once read “The Secret” and basically if you act like something is real, it becomes real. It didn’t make me rich, but it renewed my faith in Satan. Maybe it will cure your eyes.

Who needs a pancreas anyways?,

Dear Sarah,

What if Garfield were real?

If Only Arnold

Dear If Only Arnold,

If Garfield were real, then Jon Arbuckle and Odie would have to be real because all three exist in the same plane.
If Jon and Odie are real, you and I are two-dimensional because they are two-dimensional. You and I are real and all three of them are real.
If all are real, all are two-dimensional.
If we are all two-dimensional and you and I have insight into the private lives of Jon, Odie and Garfield, they are reality stars.
Garfield mugs to us and gives us his thoughts = confessional.
Jon tries unsuccessfully to date women and we watch = romance/voyeurism.
Garfield kicks Odie off the counter = drama.
Lasagna consumption = gluttony/guilty pleasure.
Therefore, if Garfield were real he would be a reality star.
If Garfield were a reality star, he would be very rich and obnoxious. (See: Keeping up with the Kardashians, The Hills, etc.)
If Garfield were very rich and obnoxious we would mock him instead of honor him as we do now.
If we mocked Garfield, we would never be able to eat lasagna without doing an impression of him. (See: Jessica Simpson convincing herself that tuna and chicken are different on The Newlyweds.)
If we mocked Garfield every time we ate lasagna it would never taste good to us.



Hey girl ,

What is going on with you? I’m fine, y’know. Just been chillin’. I watched that movie “Jumping the Broom” the other day. You seen that? It is for real. You should see it if you haven’t. Let me know whats up. Love ya girlie <3


Dear Darlene,

Nothing is going on with me. I have not seen “Jumping the Broom”. How do you know you love me if you never met me? Girly is spelled with a “y” and loving someone is not less than the value of 3. Please get your act together.

Y’know isn’t a word either,

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  1. The Garfield question and answer are so funny! Good job, Sarah. Now I'm glad Garfield is not real.


  3. This was great! I love Darlene and I've never met her!! I'm going to use The Secret to get pancreatic cancer!!!


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