By Jake & Bub
most popular movie of all time, “Titanic,” is being rereleased to our
nation’s multi-plexes in glorious 3-D. Is James Cameron’s “Titanic 3-D”
merely a cash-in on the latest theater gimmick or is it way to put the
beloved film back on the silver screen for its admirers to enjoy? This
debate will take a deep look at “Titanic 3-D” and attempt to get to the
bottom of the reasons behind the film’s rerelease.
Everybody has seen “Titanic” in the cinema but nobody has seen it in
more than two dimensions. James Cameron was onto something when he
released “Avatar,” the 3-D movie about blue aliens living in a computer.
Instead of making another movie, Cameron decided to hire some people
to transfer “Titanic” into the third dimension. His laziness is our
reward, we can now relive the best theater experience of our youth in
the futuristic vision of 3-D. How many times have you been watching
“Titanic” (out of the hundreds of times you have seen it) and wished you
could see the depth of the iceberg, the realistic curves of Kate
Winslets breasts, or the curvature of Leonardo DiCaprio’s million dollar
smile? For me, it is every time. I have never been more excited about
a mainstream motion picture event than “Titanic” in 3-D. If I die
during the screening, then I will have died doing what I love the most.
The only thing you will die from during a screening of “Titanic 3D” is
a suicide bombing by Somali militant group Al-Shabaab or because of
your sexual deviancy disorder, auto-erotic asphyxiation. Even Islamic
terrorists are offended by how stupid an idea releasing Titanic in 3D
is. The Titanic was already in “3D” and that wound up killing hundreds
of people. I predict the newest incarnation of man’s feeble attempt to
outshine the natural world by creating a Titanic in three dimensions
will this time kill millions. If not by crashing them into a giant
iceberg and drowning them, then by poisoning them with dull pacing, and a
class-based tale of fettered romance that no one in the modern
classless world can relate to.
The love between Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet is hard to relate
to, this is not a point of contention. It’s hard to relate to because
none of us will ever feel a love that strong. None of us will ever
truly understand the lyrics crooned out by Celine Dion’s soulful voice.
Yet, that will not stop the tears from flowing. It will not stop me
from seeing this film thirteen times in the cinema and keeping the 3-D
glasses each time. James Cameron created a masterpiece when he made
this motion picture, a timeless tale of love and a boat too big not to
sink. The class difference between the protagonists is even more
appropriate in 2012 than it was in 1997. Our economy is rockier than my
neighbor’s deteriorating driveway. And his driveway maintenance issues
are due to the economy, as he was laid off from his job as senior
gravel distributor for Gravel Inc.
James Cameron is our generation’s Bernie Madoff, laughing in his
submarine all the way down the Marianas Trenches as he buries your hard
earned money at the bottom of the ocean in the biggest ponzi scheme
since Charles Ponzi managed to burn down the City of Troy with a giant
rocking horse. I refuse to abet the toppling of world democracy by
burying all of our money at the bottom of the sea - what purpose would
that serve? No serious presidential candidate endorses such a plan
(outside of Ron Paul), and as a serious presidential candidate I cannot
either. I propose that bw invest more money into education and
healthcare and guarantee universal health coverage and universal college
education. That is the only way we will be able to live in a society
whose citizens don’t scuttle foolishly to the imax cinema every time
someone adds another dimension to a lousy movie. If you’re willing to
go see “Titanic” in 3D you’re one step away from “True Lies 3D”, which
is one step away from endorsing genocide. By the time you get there
will be no turning back.
You are trying to make James Cameron come across as evil as the
nefarious Asian motorcyclist Johnny Tran in the hit film “The Fast and
the Furious,” when he is really as saintly as officer Brian O’Conner,
the undercover cop working to bring down Dominic Toretto and his gang.
Much like “The Fast and the Furious,” “Titanic” is an award winning
film (“Titanic” won 11 Academy Awards, including Best Picture, and “The
Fast and the Furious” won an MTV Movie Award for Best On-screen Team).
Do these sound like the credentials of a lousy movie? I think not.
Would a lousy movie has a score of 7.5 on the Internet Movie Database?
No, it would have a much lower score. “Titanic” is the kind of movie
you can sit around with your best girlfriends and a box of tissues and
just let the tears flow. Adding an extra dimension to a movie is a good
thing. As my pal Obus says, “The more dimensions the better!”
Imagine you are an Aye Aye; a miserable hideous creature in
Madagascar. You are hungry and you climb up a tree to eat a piece of
fruit. You crack open a lychee and take a bite. You realize your
entire family has been murdered and you are being raped by a rabid
flying-fox. That's a lot worse than if you were a human who went to see
"Titanic 3D". But going to see "Titanic 3D" is still pretty bad. You
already cry enough, Jake. You've been crying throughout this entire
debate. Pay me $15 instead and I'll throw a toy boat at your face to
make you cry. At least afterwards you will not have the shame of having
made more of an effort to go see that ridiculous movie than you have to
save children in Somalia from starving to death due to your implicit
support for Al Shabaab and its illegal blockades. You were too busy
wanting to see Billy Zane in a handsome tuxedo to help. “Titanic” is an
abomination no matter how many dimensions it is in, and so is everyone
that goes to see it.