By Hot Rod
Much is unknown in the world - how tall is the Eiffel Tower; how many wives did Jesus have; how the fuck do magnets work? But no mystery is more unknowable than The Future. Today you could be sitting on your couch playing TNA Impact on Xbox as Samoa Joe doing a muscle buster on Kurt Angle, and the next day your mom could find your stash of cat and squirrel bones under your bed and it would all be over. You just never know - The Future - until it happens. Even so, with these simple tips you can face the uncertainty with the confidence of Hulk Hogan and the handsomeness of Hector Guerrero.
Tip 1. Batteries. In The Future most things will be made out of batteries, so stock up now. The more batteries you have, the less likely you will be eaten by zombies or by your mom’s friends that are dicks. You can pelt attackers with batteries or electrocute them by sticking the little nubs in each of your enemy’s ears. Make sure you are wearing rubber gloves when you do it, and also I think you have to be standing in a pool of water. I’ll write my dad in prison and ask him to make sure.
Your batteries are dead you say? Well, don’t throw ‘em out because in The Future, Robot-Jesus will bring batteries back to life for people that are awesome.
Tip 2. Be awesome. In The Future only awesome people will be allowed to do the best things - smoke cigarettes; pet cats and crippled squirrels and keep their bones when they die; vote. You’ll have to pass a test at the government Office of Awesomeness. I know you can’t read, but don’t worry - it’s multiple choice. Just make a kick-ass pattern out of the answer ovals and the cooler the picture you make, the better score you get on the test. I’m going to make an eagle being crucified on a cross made out of flying-V guitars. It’ll be hard to tell what it is though with just the answer bubbles so I’ll get a D. I‘m kind of nervous now, I hope they still let me prank call McDonalds to order a ‘McFuckYou‘…
Tip 3. Butter. You will need to get strong to protect your family and squirrels from predators so you need to bulk up. The best way to do that is with nature’s super food, “butter”. Just take a spoon and dig into that tub like it was a giant bowl of crushed up freezie-pops. It will taste gross at first, and then you will throw up, and then it will not taste any better. But an hour after you eat it your muscles will grow bigger than Rob Van Dam’s. How do you think he got so big in the first place? My dad told me it was steroids, which is just a fancy term for injecting butter into your veins with a needle.
You shouldn’t have to go that far though, needles are hard to find since you’d have to take the bus all the way over by the methadone clinic and then climb back into the dumpster behind the Sav-A-Lot next door. Remember how bad you scraped your knee the last time? Don’t bother - you can just eat it, snort it or smear it all over your body to the same effect.
Tip 4. Beanie Babies. In The Future Beanie Babies will become the universal currency. Money will no longer have value since there will be a world-wide food shortage where we are forced to eat it and it doesn’t taste very good. Beanie Babies on the other hand are surprisingly delicious, especially the pig one, the turtle one, and the knock-off chicken one you made out of chicken nuggets. People will have special belts made to carry them around that will have hooks to attach each Beanie Baby to. The richest men in the world will look like giant packs of tiny rabid animals when they walk. Feral dogs will attack and eat them. It will not be a very efficient system. But it will be all we are left with after the bloody war between Total Nonstop Action Wresting and World Wrestling Entertainment that kills 99% of the world’s population of humans and cripples 99% of the world’s squirrels. So stock up on Beanie Babies to combat the upcoming food shortage and practice getting bitten by dogs so it will hurt less when you get eaten, or it will hurt the same but you will be used to it so it wont be as big a deal.
So those are the Four Bs of the B’apocalypse - Batteries, Being Awesome, Butter, and Beanie Babies. I know you will have a hard time remembering them so you can give yourself a homemade tattoo by cutting the letters into your skin with a steak knife and then coloring them in with permanent markers. I know you can’t spell so just draw pictures. You can make a picture of Taz to represent ’Being Awesome’. Good luck, and may you bleed quickly when the feral dogs come.