In The Future

By Bub 

FutureDoors will open with either a push OR a pull sparing patrons the embarrassment of not knowing which technique to employ, unfortunately they will also criticize your weight.

FutureCalculators will have a button whose function is roughly in between addition and subtraction.

FutureEgypt will be ruled by sentient pyramids that force each other to manufacture tinier and tinier humans.

FutureWater will cease to be the secret cause of all forms of cancer.

FuturePhoneBooths will take pennies, and also exist.

FutureObamaCare will save millions of peoples’ lives, yet still serve as a scapegoat for relieving suppressed racist angst.

FutureCheese will be self-aware and feel excruciating pain as you eat it.

FutureSex/LoveSounds, the album ,will continue to be a grim reminder of how humanity lost its way.

FutureNinjas will become so stealthy that even they will not know what they are up to and lead to their eventual obsolescence due to ineffectualness.

FutureFootball will end its latent homo-eroticism and become a two hour long televised orgy.

FuturePimps force young women into selling legal and medical services to clients and then hand over the profits in exchange for drugs and abstention from physical and mental abuse.

FutureCarpenters die on demand to absolve customers’ sins.

FutureCars will be implemented with ejection seats that will toss its occupants safely into the specialized receptacles in their homes and offices unfortunately the specialized receptacles are designed to explode upon impact.


  1. If this is the future, shine me up. in the future, sign will be replaced with "shine."

  2. This future is so bright that I have to wear FutureShades.

  3. I don't like FutureCheese. I do love everything else, though.


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