Sincerely "Sarah" (4-19-12)

By "Sarah"

What is the future like?  I am writing you from 1999.  Are we dead?  IS Y2K AS BAD AS EVERYONE SAYS?  I’m really scared of it.  I have more bottled water than common sense.

Dear Y2Kay,

Praise be to ~. In the future we have to start every correspondence, written or otherwise, with “Praise be to ~”. Oh, the ~ I mentioned is the symbol we use to represent our current Planet Owner. We aren’t allowed to type its name (especially on such out-dated machinery!). But, when pronounced it sounds something like the 1999 Chinese slang word for “strong urine stream”. Look that up … online! Hahahaha you guys still have “online”. The future is so cool. The current Planet Owner is from the Typewriter Galaxy. Yeah, an alien. Big whoop. It’s the second extra terrestrial that’s been Planet Owner. The first was from the Microwave Galaxy and was a total pushover. Now ~ has all us Earthlings on rigorous schedules. There is no day or night any more because no one needs sleep! Praise be to ~ and WAKEY EYES, a product we ingest every 6 work cycles. Darkness to us just means it’s break time to hunt for dinner. I guess, back in 1999 or something you guys hunted for your dinner all the time? I forget. It’s so long ago I think that’s what you did. So, that’s still the same. We hunt and gather. Anyways, what is Y2K? It looks like the symbol for “hugs not permitted”. A word of advice, if you have access to water, find some way to purify and contain it in a small device you can carry with you. There’s hardly any now. Praise be to ~.


Dear Sarah,
I am an atheist, but my two best friends are Scientologist and Christian.  Sometimes when my Scientologist friend Ron isn’t around, my Christian friend John will make fun of his religion as nonsensical.  How do I explain to him that while I agree, it is not that much more outrageous than his own beliefs in Christianity?  Scientology only seems weirder because so few people believe it, those people are emotionally damaged celebrities, and a big part of the ideology involves dropping hydrogen bombs on people who were by volcanoes.
-Atheist Annie

Dear Athiest Annie,

Praise be to ~. THREE ORGANIZED RELIGIONS?! Preposterous. If I were you I’d sit down with Ron and John and talk about the pros of fermented tofu instead, because GUESS WHAT?! Planet Owner ~ now insists that all of us Earthlings follow Transistor Radioism. It’s some organized religion that none of us really get but have to follow. It was super cool on Earth for a while when everyone was allowed to believe what they wanted – seriously, we came a long way – but then aliens invaded and weird shit happened and all of a sudden it was like, “You have to believe in Transistor Radioism – OR ELSE!” and we were all like, “Ooooookaaay… ?” but were too distracted with our new spacesuits to really care. People do still make jokes about Scientology, though. Praise be to ~.

Please send water,

Hi Sarah,
I’m going to a Phish show pretty soon and I have never done any drugs.  What drugs have you done?  I am planning on doing some at this show; I hear Phish shows are better on drugs.  I am going to get my jam on, if you know what I mean.
Phish Phyllis

Dear Phish Phyllis,

Praise be to ~. I have done a lot of drugs. Every 6 work cycles I take a dose of WAKEY EYES so that I do not need to sleep and can constantly be working, eating, or working. I’m sure whatever a Phish Show is, it will be better on drugs because I cannot imagine a world where I am not on drugs all the time! Other drugs I have done include:

POTTY STOPPER: Don’t waste time – sweat out waste!
WHAT MEMORY?: For those times when you know too much.
LOVE BUGS: One for procreation, Two for recreation ;-)

I do not know what you mean by “get my jam on”; I recognize jam as an ancient dessert placed on bread. Enjoy it on drugs! Just, if you take two LOVE BUGS, have a WHAT MEMORY? ready. Praise be to ~.



  1. Holy shit. If this is what the future is like, send me back to 1999!

  2. I'm glad we still will have emoticons in the future. And drugs. I can't wait to take drugs, besides the ones I have to take to make sure I cannot maintain an erection and the one I take to make me confused inside of Walmart.

    Great article, Sarah. It is truly insane and you are an insane person.

  3. Haha! I love this!! I took too many POTTY STOPPERS and it gave me a distended abdomen and urethra!!!


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