Showing posts with label The Future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Future. Show all posts

Sincerely "Sarah" (4-19-12)

By "Sarah"

Sarah!
What is the future like?  I am writing you from 1999.  Are we dead?  IS Y2K AS BAD AS EVERYONE SAYS?  I’m really scared of it.  I have more bottled water than common sense.
-Y2Kay

Dear Y2Kay,

Praise be to ~. In the future we have to start every correspondence, written or otherwise, with “Praise be to ~”. Oh, the ~ I mentioned is the symbol we use to represent our current Planet Owner. We aren’t allowed to type its name (especially on such out-dated machinery!). But, when pronounced it sounds something like the 1999 Chinese slang word for “strong urine stream”. Look that up … online! Hahahaha you guys still have “online”. The future is so cool. The current Planet Owner is from the Typewriter Galaxy. Yeah, an alien. Big whoop. It’s the second extra terrestrial that’s been Planet Owner. The first was from the Microwave Galaxy and was a total pushover. Now ~ has all us Earthlings on rigorous schedules. There is no day or night any more because no one needs sleep! Praise be to ~ and WAKEY EYES, a product we ingest every 6 work cycles. Darkness to us just means it’s break time to hunt for dinner. I guess, back in 1999 or something you guys hunted for your dinner all the time? I forget. It’s so long ago I think that’s what you did. So, that’s still the same. We hunt and gather. Anyways, what is Y2K? It looks like the symbol for “hugs not permitted”. A word of advice, if you have access to water, find some way to purify and contain it in a small device you can carry with you. There’s hardly any now. Praise be to ~.

~,
“Sarah”



Dear Sarah,
I am an atheist, but my two best friends are Scientologist and Christian.  Sometimes when my Scientologist friend Ron isn’t around, my Christian friend John will make fun of his religion as nonsensical.  How do I explain to him that while I agree, it is not that much more outrageous than his own beliefs in Christianity?  Scientology only seems weirder because so few people believe it, those people are emotionally damaged celebrities, and a big part of the ideology involves dropping hydrogen bombs on people who were by volcanoes.
-Atheist Annie

Dear Athiest Annie,

Praise be to ~. THREE ORGANIZED RELIGIONS?! Preposterous. If I were you I’d sit down with Ron and John and talk about the pros of fermented tofu instead, because GUESS WHAT?! Planet Owner ~ now insists that all of us Earthlings follow Transistor Radioism. It’s some organized religion that none of us really get but have to follow. It was super cool on Earth for a while when everyone was allowed to believe what they wanted – seriously, we came a long way – but then aliens invaded and weird shit happened and all of a sudden it was like, “You have to believe in Transistor Radioism – OR ELSE!” and we were all like, “Ooooookaaay… ?” but were too distracted with our new spacesuits to really care. People do still make jokes about Scientology, though. Praise be to ~.

Please send water,
“Sarah” 


Hi Sarah,
I’m going to a Phish show pretty soon and I have never done any drugs.  What drugs have you done?  I am planning on doing some at this show; I hear Phish shows are better on drugs.  I am going to get my jam on, if you know what I mean.
Love,
Phish Phyllis

Dear Phish Phyllis,

Praise be to ~. I have done a lot of drugs. Every 6 work cycles I take a dose of WAKEY EYES so that I do not need to sleep and can constantly be working, eating, or working. I’m sure whatever a Phish Show is, it will be better on drugs because I cannot imagine a world where I am not on drugs all the time! Other drugs I have done include:

POTTY STOPPER: Don’t waste time – sweat out waste!
WHAT MEMORY?: For those times when you know too much.
LOVE BUGS: One for procreation, Two for recreation ;-)

I do not know what you mean by “get my jam on”; I recognize jam as an ancient dessert placed on bread. Enjoy it on drugs! Just, if you take two LOVE BUGS, have a WHAT MEMORY? ready. Praise be to ~.

Sincerely,
“Sarah”


In The Future



By Bub 

FutureDoors will open with either a push OR a pull sparing patrons the embarrassment of not knowing which technique to employ, unfortunately they will also criticize your weight.


FutureCalculators will have a button whose function is roughly in between addition and subtraction.


FutureEgypt will be ruled by sentient pyramids that force each other to manufacture tinier and tinier humans.


FutureWater will cease to be the secret cause of all forms of cancer.


FuturePhoneBooths will take pennies, and also exist.


FutureObamaCare will save millions of peoples’ lives, yet still serve as a scapegoat for relieving suppressed racist angst.


FutureCheese will be self-aware and feel excruciating pain as you eat it.


FutureSex/LoveSounds, the album ,will continue to be a grim reminder of how humanity lost its way.


FutureNinjas will become so stealthy that even they will not know what they are up to and lead to their eventual obsolescence due to ineffectualness.


FutureFootball will end its latent homo-eroticism and become a two hour long televised orgy.


FuturePimps force young women into selling legal and medical services to clients and then hand over the profits in exchange for drugs and abstention from physical and mental abuse.


FutureCarpenters die on demand to absolve customers’ sins.


FutureCars will be implemented with ejection seats that will toss its occupants safely into the specialized receptacles in their homes and offices unfortunately the specialized receptacles are designed to explode upon impact.

Visit Great Grass America Amusement Theme Park!



By Hot Rod 


Here at Great Grass America Amusement Theme Park, the kids can enjoy grass related amusement rides such as 'The Lawnmower', 'The Waterhose' and the 'Role in the Hay' (warning all rides only for those 18 years of age or older).

You can experience the hands on history of lawn maintenance at the exhibit 'A History of Lawnmowers', narrated by Viggo Mortensen, which starts with a single flint stone, and chattel Jew slaves; and ends with the Deluxe John Deere Lawnmaster and your choice of Guatemalan or Nicaraguan day laborers.

From there you can proceed to the 'Grass of the Future' exhibit which begins in the near distant future - 2016 - where grass has become enslaved by the soaring defecit and overly-burdensome tax code, not to mention Obamacare. Grass no longer has the will to grow and instead uses its fertilizer to get high and lay around until it collects its next stimulus check and gets AIDS to be cared for by the taxpayer. In 2020, grass rallies behind Sarah Palin's vision of America, and becomes re-energized by free market forces and is now taller, whiter, and blonder than ever. Grass lives happily ever after in gated communities for the next thousand years. In the year 3020 the Great Grass Wars between the gaseous grass from Neptune and the patriotic grass of Earth wipes out half of Earth's human population and nearly 30,000 blades of grass. In the year 911911 grass finally recovers from heartache. And finally in the year 10,000,000 the world as we know it no longer exists. The universe has expanded and retracted until it collapsed back into the single blade of grass that we all came from in the Big Bang.

After you have been electrified by the history - past - and future - of all things grass, you can visit our famous Grass Orchard where we have over 7 kinds of grass. There you will find regular grass, crab grass, blue grass, four kinds of invisible grass, and pure race grass - the grass for racists. You may notice that the latter populates most of the grounds of the park. That's right nigger, stay off the lawn.

If you are famished or parched, visit the Grass Orchard Cafe where we feature an entire menu made from grass. You can have your favorite cud sandwich, freshly chewn; un baguette du catalan made with grass flour and fertilizer; and for the vegetarian try our Peter The Great grass salad featuring three types of grass from the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia, ferungeek, and a delicate soy-sheep's-blood vinaigrette. Top it off with a grass flavored Diet Coke or Shasta!

At the end of your day of fun you have the exciting option of either accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour or becoming a piece of lawn yourself by way of our Grassifying Modulater 5000, equipped with 5000 Japanese blades worthy of heathen pulverizing!

I'm sure after your visit to Great Grass America, you'll have been entertained, you'll know a little more about grass, and you'll know a whole lot more about love and/or being liquefied by a giant blender.

Local Business Showcase: Futuristic Thai

By Bub 



Welcome to Futuristic Thai.

Futuristic Thai is a family style restaurant that serves the palette’s desire for authentic Thai cuisine, and humankind’s wish to know what the future holds in store.

If you have a thirst that only knowledge of the future can quench, have a seat at our battery bar - Minnesota’s first and only full alcoholic bar made out of batteries – while you wait for your table. In the future many things that today are made out of various familiar materials will be made out of batteries. And the slight electric charge emitted by our battery stools will keep you ‘going and going…’ just like that pink bunny who will one day serve as president.


At Futuristic Thai, we set the tone right. In the future, everyone will be millionaires. As you are escorted to your dinner tables you will be literally showered with Thai currency by our house Thai millionaire. No paper napkins here, what is this, the 21st century? Only million dollar bills will be used to wipe things from your body at Futuristic Thai. At Futuristic Thai you will be given a giant pet lizard as will be the fashion three hundred years from now. This lizard is welcome to chew on money scraps or warm its belly on one of our oversized batteries while you enjoy your meal.



For dinner choose from Minnesota’s widest array of authentic Thai cuisine with futuristic influences and attitude. The grains used to make our Drunken Noodles have been genetically modified to be able to actually ingest alcohol to excess causing cellular damage. Try our Millionaire Pad Thai made with strips of giant pet lizard meat, spring onions and topped with chopped million dollar bills and fresh squeezed lime juice. Our House Special is Laksa Soup. Unlike contemporary Laksa recipes, our fish balls contain no fish at all. Instead you will find the most exclusive futuristic ingredients – money paste, coriander and chopped peanuts - stuffed inside a battery casing. This dish will make you feel warm and comfortable. ‘Just like Mom used to make, when she made Laksa Soup three hundred years in the future.’

So if you’re hungry and you are yearning to experience the joys of a simpler lifestyle in a simpler time; if you want to trade in your workaday cares for a house made out of batteries, a giant pet lizard, and millions of dollars worth of delicious Thai food; make it Futuristic Thai.